Don't wake up an insightful look at the dynamics in a relationship

Don't wake up, by Shauna Kelley - on Kindle

Booktasters does not disappoint. You get the choose from quality books, get a free copy, in exchange for honest review on Amazon.

The final pages of Don't wake up, by Shauna Kelley, had me shaken. It took me a few days to process. Because I have experience of domestic violence and emotional abuse (in a previous life), this book touched so many nerves. My soap box tirades are evidence. The really smarts of this book is the exploration into a relationship, and how much is truth, and how much is perception. Who is the victim, and who is the abuser/manipulator. It is not as clear cut. Perception trumps the truth in the end? Go read this book. I truly recommend it!

Why did she stay for so long?

I haven't taken my soapbox out for a very long time! It's nice to be in a place where I am happy and safe and don't have to worry about going home to an explosive situation! That's possible for all, but only if we do it for ourselves!

I heard a TED talk the other day by Leslie Morgan Steiner about why domestic violence victims don't leave. It resonated so much with me,because a very long time ago in a very different life I was also 'stuck" in such a scenario. For nine years! (What was I thinking?)

The reason why you just don't leave is because it becomes the most dangerous time in your life when you decide to leave. As soon as I decided that I had enough - Finally! Finally! - I announced it to him and to the world. But I started to feel afraid to go home.

When someone shows you a gun with a silencer, when there is no reason to have a silencer... Then you are afraid!

When everything is your fault, although you have done nothing wrong, and you have to say sorry as far as you go. And smile when the person enters the room... I am only learning now about gas-lighting, but at that stage in my life I did not have the words for it! I only realised that he was blaming me for everything that he was to blame for! It worked for a while, as I was so flabbergasted being told that I am wasting our money... In the meantime he was not working, and not contributing!

While I had made a final decision to leave, I had to get my ducks in a row. I decided to tell him that I wanted to try again, but I told my family and friends that it wasn't true, and that I would still be leaving. That's was done to keep myself and my daughter safe! It's strange how many did not believe me, or thought that we had worked it out! It was the most difficult time, but I kept us save by doing the "right" things that would not trigger a violent outburst or make us unsafe.

As soon as we left, it got very dangerous. I had to get an interdict, and had to "hide". It was a difficult time! When you hear about an armed person trying to get into your property, or totally unknown people and friends phoning you and telling you that he has threatened your life! I was very afraid!

But we made it!
18 years later and I don't recognize that person I was, anymore!

Please don't stay!

What Leslie Morgan Steiner also said is that domestic violence flourishes because it is suffered in silence. Do not keep quiet about it! Tell everybody about it!

And ask people for help! People are more than willing to help, but can't help you when you don't want to be helped!

That's my contribution for domestic violence this month!
Don't suffer in silence! It's not your fault!


 Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- POWA - There's an app for helping you get out of a dangerous situation

- Protect you children by not staying

Ten ways to love your man

Relationship advice

It's September, and it's a great new season to start afresh with relationships.
Hubby and I do not even find the time for date nights anymore...
Checking my calender right away! Even though the budget is tight, we can still make a plan?

I needed to hear this today!
Maybe also you?

Janice Windt from Working Mothers Expo has great advice:

We know what it's really like. When you have young kids, a job to hold down and a house to run, it's not easy to find the time or energy to love your man...

But the truth is that we believe the most important thing you can do for your kids is love your man. And we mean LOVE. We mean look up to him, build him up in your children's eyes and let them see love modeled in your relationship. They will not see it anywhere else. They are more likely to experience the exact opposite in the world, their friends' homes and lives, everywhere really.

         Love is hard to find and hard work to keep... so let's get started.

Ten Ways To Love Your Man
1) Tell him he is awesome...

 Read more: 10 Ways to love your man 



The Working Mothers Expo, in partnership with MiWayLife, brings together everything working mothers need under one roof. It will be from 4-6 November 2016 at the Sandton Convention Centre.
The MCs are Elana Afrika and Claire Mawisa.

The Working Mothers Expo Tickets are available at Computicket now!




Disclaimer: I will be getting tickets to attend The Working Mothers Expo in November.

She will never forget this day!

Friend politics

Yesterday she told me "I will never forget this day!"
It was a rough day for Little Miss!

The little girls make us crazy with their relationship issues.

We saw a lot of it on the camp at Vredefort Dome this weekend.

Little Miss told me the previous day that her friend were forcing her to go where she wanted to go. By physically turning her around and pushing her... Little Miss told her that she should stop or she won't be playing with her anymore...

Today, the same friend told her that she is not her friend anymore. She ignored Little Miss and played with another friend in front of her, taunting her.

Little Miss had no friends for the school breaks. She said she cried a lot!

She said she will never forget this day!

Little Miss is definitely not the innocent one! She can't expect her friend to keep on playing with her when she told her the previous day she wasn't playing with her! I told her that she also cannot be prescriptive with her friendships, and to tell them what they should and shouldn't do! Also that she should have more than one special friend, and that she should play with a group of friends...

But I had a very sad little girl with me tonight!
Little Miss also told me this morning that she can't wait for 6 days to pass. Apparently there is a week's block on the friendship. (I only heard about it today.) But luckily she's got an old friend willing to play with her who also had a fall-out with her regular friends....


Just this week Sharon of The Blessed Barrenness also had an issue with mean girls...

Grey hairs!
I KNOW why it's grey!

How do we help them negotiate this minefield of relationships? I always try to teach to be the friend you want your friends to be! I hope it sinks in!

Looking at the related posts below, it seems this is a recurring theme!
Sigh! SIGH! SIGH!

But maybe this is the way the girls learn how to negotiate relationships with their friends, and we should welcome it and try to teach with each episode?


Related posts:

- Girl politics and how to teach them to not be bullies

- The heartache of girl politics

- Bullying, we are stronger than we think

- Little girls can be so mean!

Little girls can be so mean

She has a best best friend, a BFF, a favourite buddy she loves so much!

But this little girl has been mean to her since they became friends when she was only three. They were in the same class for two years, before we sighed a sigh of relief in the beginning of this year when they were finally split into separate classes. But they still see each other on the playground, and at after care...

Sometimes they play for days and everything is fine! Until the other girl decides that she's had enough, and she shuns our little girl. She tell her that she ugly and "eew" and do not want to play with her any more.
It seems that she has the upper hand in the friendship and that she calls the shots.

It breaks my heart! I have been feeling sad for her since yesterday afternoon when she told me that she was walking all on her own on the playground and the friend and nobody else wanted to play with her...

My daughter tells me that she knows she is a bully, but she still wants to play with her!

She makes plans the whole time of how to get the friend back:
She will invite her to her party, and she will be able to sleep over at our place.
She will give her the best cake at the party.
She will arrange a play date.
She will give her some of her lunch box.
(And I know she does that, because I had to ask the teacher to make sure that the other girl does not take all her food!)

A friend send me this pin today, without knowing about the most recent unhappiness! The four steps sounds like a very good idea that I am going to try!

Little Girls can be mean (Pinterest)

THE FOUR STEPS

Observe. Watch your child as a social being in a new way and how she responds to conflict
Connect with your child. “I notice that when your friend Katie leaves, you start fighting with your brother a lot. Are you sad that she’s leaving?” Help your daughter begin to notice things. You want to give empathy but NO problem solving. You’re setting yourself up as her partner. You’re becoming a team.
Guide. When you really are connected, together brainstorm and list all the things you can do to deal with the bully. All your ideas are valuable – even sending the bully to the moon. Write up a whole list of possibilities. What this does makes it seem like there are many solutions. That it’s not an insolvable problem.
Support the Act. Help your daughter choose one of two things herself that she’s going to do. Then role play what she’ll do. P.S. SHE chooses – NOT YOU says Anthony because your daughter is building inner strength inside herself. If the idea doesn’t work, go back to the list and choose another.

                                                                                - Imagination Soup 


Related posts:

- 42 months multiplied with cute

- The first feedback in Grade RR

Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

The brain knows about love

Yesterday, when I went to pick up the Little Missy at school, two boys came from behind and called out to her and waved to her.

She waved back, smiling.
She explained: "They like me!"

I asked her later how she knows that they like her. Did they tell her?
"No, my brain told me!"

Rose with thorns

It is very difficult navigating the relationship arena when you are young. You still have to define and find yourself, while negotiating in a relationship with another person on the same path of self-definition.

That was true for me! Because of that I made the "mistakes" in my relationships, and made the wrong choice in my first marriage partner. (Now I don't think of it as mistakes any more, but as valuable life lessons.)
I would not have become the person I am now, and have been where I am now, had it not been for these "detours" in my life!

Of course, I am sharing my "wisdom" with my daughters!

It seems my eldest has a good shot of her own wisdom. She has picked up most from her interactions with the unfather, who is a very emotional manipulative person.

The boyfriends in her life does not get a chance to treat her badly.
She does not allow it!

On Friday night she changed the arrangements to make it easier for the the boyfriend to come and pick her up. He flipped, and said that she can't change the arrangements as she wish. He also came and gave back her books she has loaned him, and broke off the relationship. She shrugged, and said that was it!
When the boyfriend wanted to continue as usual on Saturday, by ignoring the previous night's altercation, she wanted nothing more to do with him. He has been sending flowers and chocolates, and continues to bug her with requests to stay his girlfriend! But he has not said he is sorry!

She says she does not take back ex-boyfriends!

I am proud of her! I think it shows that she is extremely smart with regards relationships.

If this guy gets mad about a small arrangement being changed, and then not apologising... What would happen when there are bigger issues at stake?
Something is not right there?

I wish I had her "smarts" when I was young!

(Sketch: Little Missy's sketch of her sister)

Relationships end

We wish we could spare our children from the heartache, and we wish we could take it away...

We can't, and we can only say we are sorry! For both parties!

We came to love the boyfriend just as much, and it is very very sad when you realize your relationship with a special person has also come to an end!

We know it will be better, and we know you will move on!
We have gone through it as well, and we know how much it must hurt right now!

Thinking of you both!!


(Sketch by Mieka of her parents on their wedding day ;-) )

World Peace

"I want World Peace!"

;-) Of course!


But the only place I can make it happen is within myself, and around me!

I can happily say that I have peace in my life, and that my family and my home is a place of peace.
With great thanks to a wonderful Hubby who makes this possible as well!

I love a word for carrying so much meaning.

Peace is a state of being.
Peace is having equilibrium.
Peace is an atmosphere that permeates its surroundings.
Peace is the serenity in relationships.
Peace is the place we go to after a busy day.
Peace is the calm within calamity.
Peace is a blessing  I can share.

Peace is a CHOICE!

I got this word for my birthday last year, and I love looking at it everyday!

Peace is my word for 2013!

The year has already ticked off one month, but eleven months are still a long way to go.
I am still feeling that this year has gotten out of the starting block without me, but I am catching up...

Peace!


What is your word for this year?


Related post:
My word: Sorted

Reconstructed families are not for sissies

Merging new families are a totally different ball-game than only merging two lives. It is not only the two lives, but the lives of children that are being merged into the package deal.

WITH the extra baggage of ex-partners and ex-periences!

Luckily I married a very responsible adult who made it easy for us to work through the pitfalls of a second marriage. I agree that it also was much easier for me having the child, and that he had to make much more of an adjustment...

My husband showed me how it should be done! I am very grateful to him and that he showed my daughter how a husband and father should behave in a marriage.

There are a few things that help when before plunging into an undertaking of this nature:

-    Make sure you agree on how you are going to handle the children.
-    Lots and lots of talk on discipline before the time.
-    It is much easier to leave the discipline to the biological parent.
-    My husband taught me that the non-biological parent needs to get involved 100% as a parent.
-    The original reluctance of the children dissipates when they feel that the other person cares for them, and takes on the role of another parent in the household.
-    Both partners need to be adults.
-    Always show a united front to the children. (Handle your differences away from the children.)
-    Handle all children equally. E.g. when you give money to your own children, also give the same amount to the other children.
-    Love them all!
-    Try not to bad-mouth the ex-partners in front of the children.
-    Try to make sure that the children get a space of their own and feel part (welcome) in the home.
-    Involve all the children in the decision-making when it concerns the whole family.
-    Attend all the functions and award evenings of ALL the children.
-    Love them, even though they are not your own. Love is a verb, and not an emotion! It is a decision!
-    Spend special time with each of them on a regular basis.
-    Enjoy them!


Do you have more tips for a reconstructed family?

My Bipolar Friend

Depression always lurks nearby... If you do not have depression, you know somebody who have...

I had to live with it in a previous life: Depression - I feel sorry for the people living with the depressed

Even though I do not have the Big D (and never will), I sometimes get the downers, or go depro for a while. We all go there! What makes the difference, is that I can  talk myself out of it... But I get an inkling of how it must be to suffer from depression.

I have a bipolar friend, and it has become increasingly difficult to talk to her. I have been phoning her for months where she do not pick up the phone, or return my calls. When I finally get to speak to her, I can hear that she is reticent in exchanging any information about her well-being. I do not know if she is in a UP or DOWN phase, but usually the UP phase is noticable by lots of creative thinking, no sleeping and lots of over-the-top ideas! The DOWN phases I usually don't know about it, only after the fact...

I find it very frustrating, and I have given up to try and talk to her. But I will always be here when she wants to talk again...

I want to say to her:
- I value your friendship!
- I miss you!
- I am really interested in your well-being, and when I ask about how everyone is doing, I am really concerned about you!
- I miss having a conversation with you!

I will be here, waiting for that call...

Dear Auntie

Why do we always know what the problem is with other people and their relationships, but we can’t see our own relationship mishaps?

Why do we always long for the person we cannot have?

Why do we make fools of ourselves for a person who tells us that they are not interested?

Why do we waste so much of our precious time and thoughts on a person clearly not worthy of it?

Why do we not listen to our friends when they tell us that he/she is no good for us?

Why do we put more value in insights of a psychologist than our own friends and family who has been telling us the truth all along?

Why do we cry over someone not interested?

Why don’t we mourn the “relationship” and move on in life?

Why don’t we open up to new people and possibilities?

Why do we like it so much to cling to our pain bodies?




Why are we such fools in love?

Holiday in Paradise - Yes, we can do it!

Break-away in Dullstroom in Mpumalanga. This is Paradise!

I am of the opinion that if a couple can survive a holiday together, they can do life together! Nothing magnifies differences in couples more than being 24/7 in each other's company, and getting to agree on activities to do...


Major conflict points:

- Packing

While busy packing and getting everything into bags, Hubby starts putting it into the car already. The stuff that gets remembered later on, all lands up in 100 little bags that needs to be carried and sorted at the holiday destination. It drives me crazy!

- Driving

It is very difficult to be a back seat driver when I am not allowed to even whisper a warning! He has seen the problem already! Best to catch a bit of shut-eye...

- The holiday

My best holiday involves around books and sleeping. Not always fun activities for the rest of the family!

Getting to agree on activities can be a logistical nightmare...

- The Personalities & quirks

The Toddler runs around like a wound-up mouse, and wants to do This/No, that!/No, No, This!

The Teen wants to read, and she reminds us that she's got homework to do... We can't stay out for too long! But then she complains about not having any "inspiration" when sitting down to doing it. And then not doing it!

I want to sleep! Sleep again! And read!

Hubby conjures up winning recipes for the braai (barbecue). We have had trout, as well as pork fillets with olives already! (I am lucky, I KNOW!)

But, we get to listen to the 100-days cough! COUGH, cough-cough, COUGH-GOUGH! Some of the consequences of that work conference three weeks back. (Enough already!)

-

Luckily we are on holiday in Paradise. Dullstroom is a beautiful little town set in between lots of trees, trout fishing dams and Heaven, of course! I love the quiet solitude of the surrounding area and the fire at the end of the day!

Except for all the nigglies we are really having a great time!

We have survived a number of holidays already... Major accomplishment! It is a good indication of us staying together for years to come! (Big smile!)

Happy holidays!

What do you think of relationships and holidays?

Daddy's girl

Daddy is the flavour of the month at this time! Daddy must do everything! He must read the Toddler her story, and he must lie next to her when she goes to sleep... He must make her bottle!

And she wants to go to him the whole time! "Pappa toe!"
Maybe it's got something to do with him going away last week to a conference?

I am not complaining at all! It is a wonderful relationship, and Mum gets a bit of me-time! (Wicked! Wink smile!)

Perfect, it seems!

I am looking forward to a beautiful weekend. Winter is closing in on us, but we are going to enjoy a bit of the warmth of staying indoors, and each other's company!

Hope you have a lovely time as well!

I am linking up with Supermom and her Friend Finding Fridays today.

Reconstructed families and relationships

The diplomacy of relationships in reconstructed families is a minefield of politics. Huh? Too much of a mouth full, but that’s what we are dealing with in the combination of new family units. Divorced parents with your kids and my kids and our kids. Recipes for conflict situations…
In our situation it is only my kid, and our kid, but it is still… I should call it, ultimately difficult!
There was an altercation between the teen and her stepdad (we never call him that, he is Pa Dries – something which Arnia herself decided to call him a year ago). The teen got upset about a small little word “Please” which was not used. And then it exploded. I usually try to stay out of the altercations, but sometimes you have to step in for your children. Although I am being called “undermining”, I feel that I can’t leave her to fend for herself.
A big star goes to Dries for being the adult and sometimes saying sorry when it is needed.
I was thinking that in reconstructed families you learn more about respect for each other, and taking each other’s feelings into account. It is something which would not always automatically happen in normal families (if there is such a thing as normal). We have to be more diplomatic towards each other. Not a bad thing for a child to learn when they are growing up.
The question is: How far do you let it go as a parent when the other parent tries to discipline the children in a manner that is alien to your own way of discipline? I have read that the other parent is supposed to leave the discipline to the biological parent. I think it has got some merit, but I also like the idea of a united front which the parents should have. What do you think about discipline in reconstructed families?

Powerwoman on her soapbox again

A work colleague, Paulette Tshiredo, whom I unfortunately only knew from her sunny face in the corridors, has died recently because of domestic violence. Very very sad!! It happened last week at the start of 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children.
I hate this word “Against”. It gives energy to whatever comes after the word, and makes it persists. Therefore I will not say it again!
I know of so many women who found themselves in a position where their power are taken from them, or chiselled away. Sometimes we do not know what to call it, or we do not know how to get out of it. I also found myself stuck in such a situation.
To feel that you are not being treated as you should be or that you know this is not how it is supposed to be in a relationship…
That’s why I have an X (the cancelled one). I came to the realization that the only one who can do something about my situation was I. Which I did with lots of willing help from my family and friends! My daughter has also drawn the line, and I am proud of her for taking a stand!
We MAY say we will not allow a certain type of behaviour, and we are responsible for how people treat us!
I vote for a 16 Days of Activism for Peace and Empowerment to Women and Children! Who votes with me?

Facebook rules for relationships

Social networking in the virtual world, aka the Facebook way, makes me think there should be a number of rules as well. I think that being part of a couple still translates to the same thing online as is acceptable in our daily social interactions.
- When both partners of a couple are on Facebook, the request to become friends should be directed to both of the partners at the same time. (It is still frowned upon when the opposite sex partner only be-“friends” the one partner.)
- It is acceptable when only one of the partners is on Facebook, for both of the partners to be-“friend” the other partner.
- It is advisable that the same sexes, being part of couples, mostly communicate with one another or include the other only when it is done simultaneously.
- The only time it is allowed to communicate only to the opposite sex partner of a couple is when congratulations are in order.
- Colleagues of opposite sexes are also allowed to become friends without including the partners.
- I am still not sure what to do when partners split?
o Do you unfriend the guilty partner immediately?
o Do you keep the status quo for a while; while they are still busy sorting out their lives? The possibility exists that they can patch up again.
o Do you only keep the guilty partner as a “friend” to spy on them for the other party? (I would think it is also a social no-no, but girlfriends would gladly do it for one another. Wicked smile)
- It is totally unacceptable to conduct an extramarital affair on Facebook, especially on your Wall for everybody to see. Duh! (But I know of such a case. Or maybe that’s what they tried to achieve – to make it known…)

I am sure there are many more rules to consider. Do you have any ideas, and what do you think of mine? Or am I just too anal...

3K8VKZGKC429

Splits and children

Divorces have a devastating effect on the children. No new revelation!
Arnia believed and hoped for years that I and her dad would get back together again and that we would be a family again. We split up when she was 6 and got divorced the next year. Until she was 12 years of age I was blamed for making the move. But she did not know and understand the reasons for the move, and it was only when she herself was confronted with the reality of the situation that she started to make a mind shift. The reality of the situation was that the X was an emotional manipulator, which sometimes moved in the direction of violent aggression. The X was and is a leach that sucks the people dry around him, and do not positively contribute to any environment. The X also did not contribute financially towards his daughter’s upbringing.
That was our story, but we have moved on. We have a new family life, and that is what this blog is all about. New beginnings, every day!
Yes, sometimes it IS better for the children when the parents split!

Photo: One of our new beginnings!

Splitting of friends

The news of friends splitting up is very upsetting! We feel a sense of shock and loss for them, and for us! Our relationship with them has also been irrevocably changed. No more visits with the two of them together…
It makes us look at our relationship again, realizing that it is very easy to lose sight of “us” in the rush and hum-drum of daily life. I and Dries both pass out at about eight at night. He goes into a comatose state in front of the television, and me with Mieka on the bed. Then we are “done” for the day! We have to meet sometimes during the day for lunch to talk and connect. It works for us.
The realization: this is it! We are not going to get better than this! I know now with hindsight how wonderful it is to be in such a secure and predictable place! Some would call it boring! But it is the final measurement of a happy family life: To be able to look forward every day to go home just to be with the family. At one stage in my life I hated the idea of going home (yes, it was THAT bad), and I can say that it has changed 100% since the day I moved on. And it only got better with Dries in our lives. It is nice to be in such a boring place…
I hope our friends patch things up again. As the Prof of Yvonne’s story admitted – you only swap families when you move on…