The Warrior Project addresses Domestic Violence

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WOMEN-LED COLLABORATION TO TACKLE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence is a topic that is very near to my heart. The Warrior Project is live and free and available to those in need in South Africa.

The Warrior Project

• Providing victims with access to information and resources
• Established by Yvonne Wakefield (also founder of Caveat Legal), in collaboration with LawForAll and SweepSouth

Why did she stay for so long?

I haven't taken my soapbox out for a very long time! It's nice to be in a place where I am happy and safe and don't have to worry about going home to an explosive situation! That's possible for all, but only if we do it for ourselves!

I heard a TED talk the other day by Leslie Morgan Steiner about why domestic violence victims don't leave. It resonated so much with me,because a very long time ago in a very different life I was also 'stuck" in such a scenario. For nine years! (What was I thinking?)

The reason why you just don't leave is because it becomes the most dangerous time in your life when you decide to leave. As soon as I decided that I had enough - Finally! Finally! - I announced it to him and to the world. But I started to feel afraid to go home.

When someone shows you a gun with a silencer, when there is no reason to have a silencer... Then you are afraid!

When everything is your fault, although you have done nothing wrong, and you have to say sorry as far as you go. And smile when the person enters the room... I am only learning now about gas-lighting, but at that stage in my life I did not have the words for it! I only realised that he was blaming me for everything that he was to blame for! It worked for a while, as I was so flabbergasted being told that I am wasting our money... In the meantime he was not working, and not contributing!

While I had made a final decision to leave, I had to get my ducks in a row. I decided to tell him that I wanted to try again, but I told my family and friends that it wasn't true, and that I would still be leaving. That's was done to keep myself and my daughter safe! It's strange how many did not believe me, or thought that we had worked it out! It was the most difficult time, but I kept us save by doing the "right" things that would not trigger a violent outburst or make us unsafe.

As soon as we left, it got very dangerous. I had to get an interdict, and had to "hide". It was a difficult time! When you hear about an armed person trying to get into your property, or totally unknown people and friends phoning you and telling you that he has threatened your life! I was very afraid!

But we made it!
18 years later and I don't recognize that person I was, anymore!

Please don't stay!

What Leslie Morgan Steiner also said is that domestic violence flourishes because it is suffered in silence. Do not keep quiet about it! Tell everybody about it!

And ask people for help! People are more than willing to help, but can't help you when you don't want to be helped!

That's my contribution for domestic violence this month!
Don't suffer in silence! It's not your fault!


 Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- POWA - There's an app for helping you get out of a dangerous situation

- Protect you children by not staying

How do you know that you are caught in a domestic violence situation?

The month of October is a month where we reflect on domestic violence.
There are always ALWAYS other options available to us!

You don't have to live like this!!

Sometimes we ignore the signs, and we say to ourselves that it is not so bad!
He's sorry and he won't do it again!
Until the next time when it's worse...

Please! You are worth more than he makes you feel! You are worth getting out of there, and living the life you  planned for yourself!


If you answer YES to any of these questions, you are a domestic violence victim.

* Has your partner or ex-partner ever hit you or physically hurt you?

*Has he ever threatened to hurt you or someone close to you?

*Does your partner ever try to control you by threatening to hurt you or your family?

*Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to? Has he ever refused to practice safe sex?

*Has he/she ever tried to restrict you freedom or keep you from doing things that were important to you? (like going to school, working, seeing your friends or family)

*Does your partner frequently belittle you, insult you, and blame you?

*Do you feel controlled or isolated by your partner?

*Do you ever feel afraid of you partner? Do you feel like you are in danger? Is it safe for you to go home?

*Is your partner jealous? Does he frequently accuse you of infidelity?



You don't have to stay a victim. You CAN get out of there!!

A long long time ago in a different lifetime I also could say yes to many of these questions!
I got out of there, and I have never looked back!
I now know that I was only one who could change things!
Nobody else could help me before I decided I wanted help!


I found the questions here: Womanspace: Screening Questions
(There are tons of websites on the Internet)

Word cloud: Wordclouds

Quotes about emotional manipulation

Hero of your own life #quote - Pinterest

I have a friend who seems to be stuck in an emotional manipulative relationship.
She is unhappy, and the relationship is not doing her any good.
She knows it and says she must be going, but she doesn't!

That's all we have been talking about for two years now...

She is worth so much more, but it seems her self-worth has been eroded so much that she can't move!

I so hope she gets herself out of the situation this year!

I though I would collect some quotes and remind her each day how much more her life can be!
(I hope it is not patronising?)


But I feel helpless watching from the sidelines!

Here are some:

- "Stay away from people who make you feel you are hard to love" - extramadness.com

- "You are angry and frustrated when you question your partner about something that's bothering you, because he immediately shifts the focus onto you - it becomes all about your problem with trust or insecurity, while the original question or issue is never addressed." - psychopathsandlove.com

- "If you ever found yourself in the wrong story, leave." - Mo Williams (Loubis-and-champagne)

- "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." - Pin from Sayings and Quotes / Unhealthy love

- "The only solution to a controlling relationship could be to break the repetitive cycle and end it!" - The Telegraph


Do you have any quotes for me?

Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

Rose with thorns

It is very difficult navigating the relationship arena when you are young. You still have to define and find yourself, while negotiating in a relationship with another person on the same path of self-definition.

That was true for me! Because of that I made the "mistakes" in my relationships, and made the wrong choice in my first marriage partner. (Now I don't think of it as mistakes any more, but as valuable life lessons.)
I would not have become the person I am now, and have been where I am now, had it not been for these "detours" in my life!

Of course, I am sharing my "wisdom" with my daughters!

It seems my eldest has a good shot of her own wisdom. She has picked up most from her interactions with the unfather, who is a very emotional manipulative person.

The boyfriends in her life does not get a chance to treat her badly.
She does not allow it!

On Friday night she changed the arrangements to make it easier for the the boyfriend to come and pick her up. He flipped, and said that she can't change the arrangements as she wish. He also came and gave back her books she has loaned him, and broke off the relationship. She shrugged, and said that was it!
When the boyfriend wanted to continue as usual on Saturday, by ignoring the previous night's altercation, she wanted nothing more to do with him. He has been sending flowers and chocolates, and continues to bug her with requests to stay his girlfriend! But he has not said he is sorry!

She says she does not take back ex-boyfriends!

I am proud of her! I think it shows that she is extremely smart with regards relationships.

If this guy gets mad about a small arrangement being changed, and then not apologising... What would happen when there are bigger issues at stake?
Something is not right there?

I wish I had her "smarts" when I was young!

(Sketch: Little Missy's sketch of her sister)

Have we failed our children? - Initiation

To take them to higher institutions of learning that still carry on with the age-old initiation practices of bullying and emotional abuse?

I have to tell my first year that it is not as bad as it seems, although I despised the practices years ago when I was subjected to it.

The bullying stays the same!

I feel that I have failed my child!

I have entrusted my child to be taken care of in a residence where they are subjected to violent practices I would never have done to my own child.

Now apparently I have given “permission” for seniors who are only two to three years older to subject my daughter to tyranny!

They call it “Ontvangs- en Bekendstelling” (Welcome & Introduction), but it’s far from the truth!

• She is afraid to walk in her own residence because of the verbal abuse they are subjected to when encountering a senior or House Committee (HC) member.
• She is afraid to go to the toilet!
• She does not get enough sleep, and that has been the case for two weeks now.
• After they have finished with them - subjected them to all kinds of abusive rituals – they have to “prepare stuff” for the following day. Usually after 12 at night!
• They are forced to look down when encountering a senior, but they have to know all of the senior’s names (without looking at them)!
• They are forced to address the entire senior corps as Sir or Miss.
• I have to look at status updates such as “Hate this place!”; “Hate this! I am so over this crap!”; “No sleep for me tonight!”; “Do not want to go to the residence!”
• She said they were told that they would be in big trouble if they complain!
• They are not allowed to go anywhere without permission, and they are kept busy 24/7 with stuff such as “flowers” folding for the upcoming Rag on Saturday.

This is definitely not orientation, but initiation!

It doesn’t help to tell me that one day she will look back and laugh at this! 

This is not how a society should treat its “first year’s”!

Why can’t all the parents stand up and say “enough is enough”?

We don’t want our children subjected to this!

Instead we are scared to become a lone voice for fear of our child being victimized!

I am so sorry, my child!

I have thought we have moved past this!

This is happening at NWU Potchefstroom at the residences.

Judging by Twitter and the newspapers it is happening at other universities as well…

We have not evolved at all!

Related post:
Orientation seems a lot like initiation

Reasons why you should not stay

It is time to Speak Out #SpeakOut

I have committed to take part in the worldwide Speak Out campaign organized by Kirstin at Wanderlust_Lust.

Speak Out is an "event is to bring awareness to the cause and encourage victims of domestic violence to speak out and seek help"

Domestic violence  is a "silent" type of violence. To the outside world it is not always visible.
The victims sometimes believe the abuser that they had a part in their abuser acting out on his frustration.... They also feel ashamed to admit that the situation is a situation of domestic violence.

In a previous life I was in an emotional abusive situation where it took me very long to realize that I could not change the situation or the person. I could only  change myself, and save us from having to live in an emotional roller coaster that went nowhere but down...

I came to the realization that a person very seldom change, and 99% of the time it is not worth to try and stay in a situation that is not healthy or safe for you and the children.
I now advise anyone to get out sooner rather than later. The violence escalates, and your safety gets more precarious with time...

Reasons why you should not stay:

- You are worth more than he has made you come to believe!
- You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy. (If one person affects the emotional and physical well-being of the other people around him in a negative way, does it make sense to stay with him?)
- Your children are entitled to be happy!
- You and your children should be able to feel safe in your own home. 
- You owe it to your children to show them that this is not acceptable behaviour!
- You should not have to tippy-toe around a person!
- You are entitled to peace in your own home.
- You should not have to feel unworthy/unloved/incapable/diminished in your role as wife, mother and partner.
- It is definitely not your fault! (If you are made to believe it is, it is time to re-evaluate your situation!)
- Next time is worse than the previous incident! (Get out!)
- The "sorry" is not reflected in behaviour, or only for a very short period!
- When there is always somebody to blame, and responsibility for own bad behaviour is not acknowledged!
- You want to stay alive! You want your children to stay alive!
- You should not become and feel depressed because of another person and his actions.
- When you find that your future looks bleak with this person!

Get out! Get out! Get out!


Please do not feel that you have made you bed and you have to lie in it!

You have the power to say no, to speak out about it, and to get out of there!
Your family and your friends and people around you will help you!
There are many organizations who will help you!

Reach out and get out! Domestic violence is not acceptable!

Thanks to Kristin who has organized #SpeakOut.
She has put up a linky with all the powerful posts from around the world.
She has included links when you are in an abusive relationship right now.

Do you have more reasons why she should not stay?

Passive Aggressive is another kind of violence

WordItOut word cloud: Passive Aggressive behaviour

Definition:

"Put simply passive aggressive behaviour is silent aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.
A passive aggressive individual doesn't always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". – Counselling Directory

Examples that I have experienced:

            -   “Forgetting” to pass on an invite.
- Saying that you will do something and not doing it.

-          - Not paying on time.

-          - Coming late on a regular basis.

-          - Accepting an invite, and phoning to cancel at the last moment.

-          - No response at all to an invite.

-          - Not prepared at all for guests that have been invited.

-          - Only starting to make food when the guests arrive, and spending the whole time in the kitchen while they are there.

-          - It is always somebody else’s fault!

-          - When confronted about passive aggressive behaviour the person does not own up to it.

It is usually very subtle, and only after a number of occurrences do you actually start to realise that something more is at play!

It is strange that passive aggressives do these things out of a deep sense of unworthiness, but the more they exhibited this kind of behaviour, the more people withdraw from them...

The unfather who died the previous week also paid his maintenance late every month, and his ex-wife had to stress while waiting on him... The final passive aggressive act! The maintenance money was not paid, the school fees and forms for next year was not sorted as he had promised... We hope that his will was sorted before he died! 

What legacy is he leaving behind?

It is violence. Violence against your own family members when you try to leverage relationships by being passive aggressive!

About fathers and unfathers

A father died very unexpectedly last Saturday.


He left behind three children from a previous marriage that now has to go on in life without his presence…

(Stuff like this really happens!)

No matter what the circumstances at the time, it will leave a mark…

It made me think about another father who has written himself out of his daughter’s life. Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

The questions that needs to be asked:

• Would it made a positive impact in her life when she reconnects with him again?
• Would she be less scared of him this time around?
• Would she be able to not tippy-toe around him when she is with him?
• Would she be able to do her own teenage and student things when she is with him, or will he still demand 24/7 attention?
• Did he change his behaviour?
• Did he go for anger management counseling?\
• Does he work?
• Does he contribute financially towards his new family?
• Does he contribute financially to help her with her studies?
• Did the emotional manipulation come to an end?
• Would the daily conversation be about a future of possibilities – for her and more in general?
• Would I feel that she is going into a safe environment?

I cannot answer “yes” on any of these questions!

(The unfather does not understand that it is in the power of his hands to change! No, it is always somebody else who is to blame!)

The question: Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

No, and No again!

(Picture: Microsoft clip art)

Three things that I do not forgive!

Ever! I slot it all under the heading of domestic violence!

(I am aware that women can also be guilty...)

• Cheating on your wife

When you overstep the boundaries of the promise you made to each other, you violate the relationships with your wife AND your children.
Even though you patch it up again, the relationship will never be the same again...

• Treating your wife badly, especially when she needs you the most!

The whole range of domestic violence comes to play here – emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, threats, violence, discolouring the atmosphere as soon as you walk in the door, not helping with the kids...

• Not contributing financially towards your own children!

I have written about this before: Time for the soapbox - financial responsibilities.

 
I do not forgive you and I do not like you!
(I am black-and-white like that)

We don’t have to be quiet about domestic violence!
It is not acceptable! Never!
We should not let the perpetrators get away with it by being hush-hush!



This is it, from Powerwoman for today!

Depression – I feel sorry for the people living with the depressed

When I hear or see that somebody is depressed, my sympathy lies with the people living with that person!  Because I was in a similar situation eons ago, in a previous life...

I by no means want to lessen the feelings or the validity of the depressed! I believe depression to be one of the most life-sucking diseases there is!

The fact is that the people surrounding that person cannot do much to ease the suffering of the person. They cannot lift him up. They cannot kick him into his senses! They cannot tell him to shake it off! They are totally helpless! It is a depressing situation to be in! For the people surrounding that person!

The depressed person goes into a vortex of black hopelessness. If you are not careful, you get sucked into it as well!

I remember feeling as hopeless as the depression! I was becoming depressed myself. I went to a psychologist to ask how to handle the situation. She suggested medication, but I felt that it did not address the problem, but the symptoms of the problem...

The only other option she gave me was to run on a treadmill to get rid of my anger. Anger - that was what my emotions turned into! Anger that could not be vented! Because poor little depressed person! He cannot deal with it! He cannot work because of it! He cannot be blamed! Because it is the Depression!

You can imagine my feelings about “Depression”! Insert a couple of expletives here!!

I remember running and running on that treadmill! Somehow it did not work! The depression and all of it symptoms stuck with us!

In the end I had to get rid of the “problem”.  I had to change “my” life! I could not change somebody else’s life! I had to get out of the situation! I had to save “me”!

That’s why I still feel much more sympathy towards the people impacted by the depressed person!


But I have the utmost of respect for the depressed person who works with his depression, and who wants to get better! The person who do not want to stay in the dark cauldrons of his mind, but who reach out for help!
It is one of the hardest things to do!  To work with self! I salute you!

(Photo: Montecasino Bird Gardens)

Taking back the power by speaking out

Time for the soapbox again. There is nothing that upsets me more than a house where there is domestic violence. It can take so many forms, but you know in your heart something is wrong when you are scared going back to your own home! When there is somebody that makes you being afraid for your own and your children’s welfare.

Two bloggers have spoken out his week. Kristin at Wanderlust in Australia found herself in such a situation that she was frozen into silence for two months. But she decided to speak out, because she realized that by keeping quiet she is relinquishing her own power. Her family have been subjected to real physical violence, and they haven’t seen her husband since...  She writes a very powerful post about domestic violence and her realization that it is all about being in control.

Closer to home Melany at SuperMom also spoke about her fear for her son being targeted by emotional abuse... 

It is very upsetting to hear such stories!  It also touches me deeply because I was in such a situation in my previous life! Someone controlling your whole life! Someone who demands that the world revolves around himself. But he does not take responsibility for his actions/inactions on the rest of the family. When he realizes he is losing control, and trying to keep it by threatening your existence... More than ten years later and I still get the jitters when thinking about it. Especially when my own daughter is too afraid to even ask her own Dad for a signature... Even today it makes me very angry!

I am proud of mothers/women standing up by speaking out, saying “Enough!”

Soap box tirades

Emotional abuse is not on! I think it is the worst kind of abuse! Because you can’t show the wounds! I have been stewing now for days with a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It was part of my previous life, and today I go into full battle mode when there is even the slightest breeze of emotional manipulation in the air!
Why do we keep quiet when we are caught up in the game? Do we need to play out the drama until we finally realize that it is not on? Or are we too proud or too ashamed to admit we are not being treated as we should be? I think that has been my reason for putting up with it for so long! Ten years, but ten years has passed since then as well. (Wow! It shows my age.) When I hear of a friend who has been subjected to it as well, I am amazed at how much the modus operandi shows similarities.
Partners that tell you and make you feel crap, AND tell you that you’re thinking are wrong. Partners who do not do their share, but make you feel guilty when you try to hold everything together. Partners who prevent you from being with your friends and family and wants to have 100% of you all of the time…
Enough of the bad stories! I am kicking the soap box back underneath the bed. Powerwoman do not dwell on the past for too long. Everybody has to make their own decisions about how long they want to play in their dramas! Thank goodness for friends and family who help you through the bad times! (I support you too, friend!)
Now my drama is about babies and dogs and teenagers and trying to cope with being a working mother and wife! Peanuts for Powerwoman! (Wink-wink, smile)
I wonder what type of dramas we keep playing that we could have stopped long ago?