The Warrior Project addresses Domestic Violence

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WOMEN-LED COLLABORATION TO TACKLE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence is a topic that is very near to my heart. The Warrior Project is live and free and available to those in need in South Africa.

The Warrior Project

• Providing victims with access to information and resources
• Established by Yvonne Wakefield (also founder of Caveat Legal), in collaboration with LawForAll and SweepSouth

Don't wake up an insightful look at the dynamics in a relationship

Don't wake up, by Shauna Kelley - on Kindle

Booktasters does not disappoint. You get the choose from quality books, get a free copy, in exchange for honest review on Amazon.

The final pages of Don't wake up, by Shauna Kelley, had me shaken. It took me a few days to process. Because I have experience of domestic violence and emotional abuse (in a previous life), this book touched so many nerves. My soap box tirades are evidence. The really smarts of this book is the exploration into a relationship, and how much is truth, and how much is perception. Who is the victim, and who is the abuser/manipulator. It is not as clear cut. Perception trumps the truth in the end? Go read this book. I truly recommend it!

Why did she stay for so long?

I haven't taken my soapbox out for a very long time! It's nice to be in a place where I am happy and safe and don't have to worry about going home to an explosive situation! That's possible for all, but only if we do it for ourselves!

I heard a TED talk the other day by Leslie Morgan Steiner about why domestic violence victims don't leave. It resonated so much with me,because a very long time ago in a very different life I was also 'stuck" in such a scenario. For nine years! (What was I thinking?)

The reason why you just don't leave is because it becomes the most dangerous time in your life when you decide to leave. As soon as I decided that I had enough - Finally! Finally! - I announced it to him and to the world. But I started to feel afraid to go home.

When someone shows you a gun with a silencer, when there is no reason to have a silencer... Then you are afraid!

When everything is your fault, although you have done nothing wrong, and you have to say sorry as far as you go. And smile when the person enters the room... I am only learning now about gas-lighting, but at that stage in my life I did not have the words for it! I only realised that he was blaming me for everything that he was to blame for! It worked for a while, as I was so flabbergasted being told that I am wasting our money... In the meantime he was not working, and not contributing!

While I had made a final decision to leave, I had to get my ducks in a row. I decided to tell him that I wanted to try again, but I told my family and friends that it wasn't true, and that I would still be leaving. That's was done to keep myself and my daughter safe! It's strange how many did not believe me, or thought that we had worked it out! It was the most difficult time, but I kept us save by doing the "right" things that would not trigger a violent outburst or make us unsafe.

As soon as we left, it got very dangerous. I had to get an interdict, and had to "hide". It was a difficult time! When you hear about an armed person trying to get into your property, or totally unknown people and friends phoning you and telling you that he has threatened your life! I was very afraid!

But we made it!
18 years later and I don't recognize that person I was, anymore!

Please don't stay!

What Leslie Morgan Steiner also said is that domestic violence flourishes because it is suffered in silence. Do not keep quiet about it! Tell everybody about it!

And ask people for help! People are more than willing to help, but can't help you when you don't want to be helped!

That's my contribution for domestic violence this month!
Don't suffer in silence! It's not your fault!


 Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- POWA - There's an app for helping you get out of a dangerous situation

- Protect you children by not staying

POWA - there's an app for helping you get out of a dangerous situation

POWA GBV app

There is nothing as frustrating than knowing about a person who is stuck in an abusive relationship, and can't seem to make the decision to quit. There is nothing that friends and family can do before she calls on them to help her. Most of the time the reasons why you should not stay is more, but it is very difficult to see it in that situation! We also do not protect our children by staying, but by moving out!

Shaney at You baby and I wrote such a powerful story about women abuse and how terrible afraid they are for a woman in their family. They can't do anything because she is staying! I also know of a women who feels she is stuck, but her children and friends are standing ready to help her.

Just ask!

Please!

Protect your children by not staying

Keep them save from domestic violence #ChildProtection

It is National Child Protection Week this week. We hear about so many violent situations our children are subjected and exposed to. I don't even want to go there, because as a mother you can't stand it when you hear our children are getting hurt.

I also saw some domestic violence cases being reported on in social media. Of women so scared and so lonely and ostracized that they are prisoners in their own homes. I only hope that they will get the courage to leave the situation.

It is never a good idea to stay!
It is never good for the children to stay!
It always gets worse!

My plea is to all mothers stuck in this situation to get out as soon as possible. Make your plans! There will be a safe time to leave! Take your children with you! Ask for help! There will be people in your family and your community who will help you!

You don't know how frustrating it is for the people on the sidelines seeing you suffering and not being able to help! They will step up when you are ready! But they can't help you when you don't ask and when you think you can handle it on your own.

Think of your children! Is this the way you want them to grow up? Living with violence, physical and emotional?

I am so glad I left a previous life! I asked for help! I saved myself and my daughter! Things get better, much sooner than you think! Now it is only a blip in my past, and we are living a life with hope and wonder! To be afraid in your own home is not a way of life!


Would you help someone asking you to help when they are stuck in a domestic violence situation?


There are resources to contact:

Child Protection Week

POWA Get Help

How do you know that you are caught in a domestic violence situation?

The month of October is a month where we reflect on domestic violence.
There are always ALWAYS other options available to us!

You don't have to live like this!!

Sometimes we ignore the signs, and we say to ourselves that it is not so bad!
He's sorry and he won't do it again!
Until the next time when it's worse...

Please! You are worth more than he makes you feel! You are worth getting out of there, and living the life you  planned for yourself!


If you answer YES to any of these questions, you are a domestic violence victim.

* Has your partner or ex-partner ever hit you or physically hurt you?

*Has he ever threatened to hurt you or someone close to you?

*Does your partner ever try to control you by threatening to hurt you or your family?

*Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to? Has he ever refused to practice safe sex?

*Has he/she ever tried to restrict you freedom or keep you from doing things that were important to you? (like going to school, working, seeing your friends or family)

*Does your partner frequently belittle you, insult you, and blame you?

*Do you feel controlled or isolated by your partner?

*Do you ever feel afraid of you partner? Do you feel like you are in danger? Is it safe for you to go home?

*Is your partner jealous? Does he frequently accuse you of infidelity?



You don't have to stay a victim. You CAN get out of there!!

A long long time ago in a different lifetime I also could say yes to many of these questions!
I got out of there, and I have never looked back!
I now know that I was only one who could change things!
Nobody else could help me before I decided I wanted help!


I found the questions here: Womanspace: Screening Questions
(There are tons of websites on the Internet)

Word cloud: Wordclouds

Quotes about emotional manipulation

Hero of your own life #quote - Pinterest

I have a friend who seems to be stuck in an emotional manipulative relationship.
She is unhappy, and the relationship is not doing her any good.
She knows it and says she must be going, but she doesn't!

That's all we have been talking about for two years now...

She is worth so much more, but it seems her self-worth has been eroded so much that she can't move!

I so hope she gets herself out of the situation this year!

I though I would collect some quotes and remind her each day how much more her life can be!
(I hope it is not patronising?)


But I feel helpless watching from the sidelines!

Here are some:

- "Stay away from people who make you feel you are hard to love" - extramadness.com

- "You are angry and frustrated when you question your partner about something that's bothering you, because he immediately shifts the focus onto you - it becomes all about your problem with trust or insecurity, while the original question or issue is never addressed." - psychopathsandlove.com

- "If you ever found yourself in the wrong story, leave." - Mo Williams (Loubis-and-champagne)

- "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." - Pin from Sayings and Quotes / Unhealthy love

- "The only solution to a controlling relationship could be to break the repetitive cycle and end it!" - The Telegraph


Do you have any quotes for me?

Domestic violence is a dance of avoidance for the victim

No more!

After I saw the movie Safe Haven on Sunday night about a women escaping out of a domestic violence situation, I was again struck by the way she had to try and sidestep the pending violent situation. But no matter what she did, it escalated!

I wrote a guest post on Blog Share Connect this week about domestic violence, because I learnt some valuable lessons in a previous lifetime...

Read here: Domestic violence is mostly about trying to avoid the violence

Women's rights in the month of August

Strong Women #quote on Pinterest

Here's to strong women everywhere for the month of August!

And even though you think you are not strong, believe that you are!



The Student pulled out her soapbox, and I so love that she gets this:

"...the responsibility of the extent of the abuse, does not only lie with the abuser, but with you and how much you will allow until you say: ENOUGH!"

Read here:

Millenium Lady: Women's rights in the month of August





So proud of the strong woman she is!

Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

Walk away

Culprit chasing off

We witnessed a scene yesterday. It was through the window of a restaurant, and we did not know if we were supposed to duck, or to keep on watching to see what was going to happen...

Cars came to a screeching halt in the parking area. A young boy (I don't think he is a man, especially judging by his behaviour) jumped out of his car (the yellow car without number plates).
He was wildly waving his arms, and brandishing a gun in the one hand at the family in the white Merc (see car in back of photo).

His girlfriend was running around the car, and pushing and shoving him back into the car, while he was running towards the other car with the gun! She managed to get him back in the car, and they chased off!

It was very scary! As easy as that to wave a gun at other people...

The only thing I could tell my eldest daughter: If you ever ever find yourself in such a situation... Where guns are being used to threaten other people...

Walk away immediately! Get out of the car, and walk off! Phone somebody else to come and fetch you!

Walk away!

She totally agrees with me!
She said that she would not even tolerate a gun in her home!

It was very scary!

I wore black, and I will be doing it again

I know it doesn't help the people who have died, and the people who have been raped...
But I wore black last Friday!
Powerwoman on her soapbox again!

I believe that it does not really help marching against something, and that it actually just keep on focusing on the negative! Mother Theresa also said that she would always march for peace, but not against violence.

But I wore black in solidarity with everybody who thought and pleaded and shouted against the senseless murders and the senseless rapes of women. Women who most recently got a face through Reeva Steenkamp and Anene Booysen.

Sometimes we need to speak out against something! Something that is not right! Something that is not working in our society!
How can we stand by and only watch when these things are happening?

Some of us are "luckier"or "smarter", and we think we won't be confronted with it.
I was one of them!

I did not know when I got married that I would be afraid in my own home...
That I would put up a fake smile because I was shown a gun with a silencer...
That I would go in hiding because I was afraid of my life and the life of my child...
That I had to tip-toe around my own words, afraid that the wrong word could trigger a violent verbal outburst that would explode...

That's why I am an advocate for initiatives like Speak Out.

There are reasons why you should not stay, and the earlier you acknowledge them and make a decision to not put up with unacceptable behaviour, the better for all!

We are all stronger than we think we are! We can say no! We can walk out! We can stand up, and we can speak out!

We can only make a difference in our own lives, and the lives of those we touch, but one step at a time!
We can do better than this!

We can show our children there are better ways!
Our girls should not tolerate abusive behaviour from their partners.
Our boys should not be shown the way to handle life is with guns and violence!

The only way is by living the way we want to see the world!
We cannot stay in an abusive relationship, and then try teaching our daughters differently!
We cannot keep guns, and live aggressively, and not show compassion. And then think our boys will do it differently!

It starts with us...

Bum up and go the same as dealing with DV

I do not get bored with status updates about how many kilometres you have done, or how many press-ups you have done.

I get insanely, green, dark-green, purple jealous!!!

Because I know how pleased you are and should be about yourself!
And how much good you have packed into that exercise.

Meanwhile, back at the Bum in the chair, I am Slump-Sister!
And not feeling good at all about myself!

It struck me today that not exercising is the same as being stuck in domestic violence.

You are the only person that can change the situation!

- You can complain until your hair falls out and your toes turn orange. It will not change the situation.

- You can feel sorry for yourself. You can cry. It will not change the situation.

- You can tell the priest, the psychologist, your family and friends about your bum deal. It will not change the situation!

- You can stay! It will not change the situation!

How to deal with domestic violence:

- You need to make the ultimatums!
- You have to act if things does not change.
- You have to get out of there! 

Of course it is not easy, but is it possible.
Staying there is also a decision!

-------

So, I lifted my bum today:

20 minutes of rolling hills on level 3 gave me 7 kilometres.
100 arm exercises (don't know what you call it), and 30 sit-ups!

Better than staying on my chair during lunch-time!

Blog directory of healing through storytelling

Kristin Brumm over at Wanderlust is busy compiling a directory of blogs that addresses issues of struggle and trauma.
It is a directory of blogs by people healing through sharing their stories through blogging.

I have written before about her haunting of words as she deals with her own struggle through writing, after a divorce and domestic violence led to the discovery of child pornography in her home, and the subsequent fleeing of her family home to keep her children safe.

Healing through storytelling - Blog Directory

The issues that are being addressed:
- Addiction
- Grief and loss
- General Medical
- Mental Health
- Trauma and abuse

The compilation of these was inspired by the following post:
The healing power of storytelling.

I still sometimes get out my soapbox to raise issues with regards domestic violence, emotional abuse and unfathers, but it is so much part of previous life, that I feel as if it happened to somebody else...

Time and change do make a difference!

I wish I had something like this to consult when I had to go through tough times, but it is nice to know that these are available.

It is always good to know that you are not alone!
Somebody else has dealt with the same issues already!

If you know of  any blogs that can add to this directory, please notify Kristin so that she can add it to the list!

Thanks Kristin!

The haunting of words

Today, as in most other days, I have been thinking about a "brave" woman who has had to go in hiding for the safety of her children.
"Brave" because she doesn't have another option but to be brave!

And she has been writing!
Haunting words of beauty and of shock and of finding herself!

Of having to go through a series of excisions, of being a dead woman, and being silenced.
But she found her voice again, even going to the media to tell her story.

A story of finding violence in her own home. A story of finding that her partner was not the person she thought he was. A story from violence to healing.

I am just appalled that a person who threatens the safety of his wife and children are allowed to walk free in the streets. Even two years after the violence and the 18000 pornographic images have been discovered on his computer. The divorce had gone through in the meantime and joint custody has been awarded to them.

She had to take her children and run...

This is not a third world country we are talking about. It is in America. Where the laws and the justice system are supposed to be better?

You can read her ongoing story on Wanderlust!

Thinking of you, Kristin!

Also with the knowing that there are so many woman without a voice, who have been fighting on their own for the safety of their precious children..

Reasons why you should not stay

It is time to Speak Out #SpeakOut

I have committed to take part in the worldwide Speak Out campaign organized by Kirstin at Wanderlust_Lust.

Speak Out is an "event is to bring awareness to the cause and encourage victims of domestic violence to speak out and seek help"

Domestic violence  is a "silent" type of violence. To the outside world it is not always visible.
The victims sometimes believe the abuser that they had a part in their abuser acting out on his frustration.... They also feel ashamed to admit that the situation is a situation of domestic violence.

In a previous life I was in an emotional abusive situation where it took me very long to realize that I could not change the situation or the person. I could only  change myself, and save us from having to live in an emotional roller coaster that went nowhere but down...

I came to the realization that a person very seldom change, and 99% of the time it is not worth to try and stay in a situation that is not healthy or safe for you and the children.
I now advise anyone to get out sooner rather than later. The violence escalates, and your safety gets more precarious with time...

Reasons why you should not stay:

- You are worth more than he has made you come to believe!
- You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy. (If one person affects the emotional and physical well-being of the other people around him in a negative way, does it make sense to stay with him?)
- Your children are entitled to be happy!
- You and your children should be able to feel safe in your own home. 
- You owe it to your children to show them that this is not acceptable behaviour!
- You should not have to tippy-toe around a person!
- You are entitled to peace in your own home.
- You should not have to feel unworthy/unloved/incapable/diminished in your role as wife, mother and partner.
- It is definitely not your fault! (If you are made to believe it is, it is time to re-evaluate your situation!)
- Next time is worse than the previous incident! (Get out!)
- The "sorry" is not reflected in behaviour, or only for a very short period!
- When there is always somebody to blame, and responsibility for own bad behaviour is not acknowledged!
- You want to stay alive! You want your children to stay alive!
- You should not become and feel depressed because of another person and his actions.
- When you find that your future looks bleak with this person!

Get out! Get out! Get out!


Please do not feel that you have made you bed and you have to lie in it!

You have the power to say no, to speak out about it, and to get out of there!
Your family and your friends and people around you will help you!
There are many organizations who will help you!

Reach out and get out! Domestic violence is not acceptable!

Thanks to Kristin who has organized #SpeakOut.
She has put up a linky with all the powerful posts from around the world.
She has included links when you are in an abusive relationship right now.

Do you have more reasons why she should not stay?

Passive Aggressive is another kind of violence

WordItOut word cloud: Passive Aggressive behaviour

Definition:

"Put simply passive aggressive behaviour is silent aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.
A passive aggressive individual doesn't always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". – Counselling Directory

Examples that I have experienced:

            -   “Forgetting” to pass on an invite.
- Saying that you will do something and not doing it.

-          - Not paying on time.

-          - Coming late on a regular basis.

-          - Accepting an invite, and phoning to cancel at the last moment.

-          - No response at all to an invite.

-          - Not prepared at all for guests that have been invited.

-          - Only starting to make food when the guests arrive, and spending the whole time in the kitchen while they are there.

-          - It is always somebody else’s fault!

-          - When confronted about passive aggressive behaviour the person does not own up to it.

It is usually very subtle, and only after a number of occurrences do you actually start to realise that something more is at play!

It is strange that passive aggressives do these things out of a deep sense of unworthiness, but the more they exhibited this kind of behaviour, the more people withdraw from them...

The unfather who died the previous week also paid his maintenance late every month, and his ex-wife had to stress while waiting on him... The final passive aggressive act! The maintenance money was not paid, the school fees and forms for next year was not sorted as he had promised... We hope that his will was sorted before he died! 

What legacy is he leaving behind?

It is violence. Violence against your own family members when you try to leverage relationships by being passive aggressive!

About fathers and unfathers

A father died very unexpectedly last Saturday.


He left behind three children from a previous marriage that now has to go on in life without his presence…

(Stuff like this really happens!)

No matter what the circumstances at the time, it will leave a mark…

It made me think about another father who has written himself out of his daughter’s life. Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

The questions that needs to be asked:

• Would it made a positive impact in her life when she reconnects with him again?
• Would she be less scared of him this time around?
• Would she be able to not tippy-toe around him when she is with him?
• Would she be able to do her own teenage and student things when she is with him, or will he still demand 24/7 attention?
• Did he change his behaviour?
• Did he go for anger management counseling?\
• Does he work?
• Does he contribute financially towards his new family?
• Does he contribute financially to help her with her studies?
• Did the emotional manipulation come to an end?
• Would the daily conversation be about a future of possibilities – for her and more in general?
• Would I feel that she is going into a safe environment?

I cannot answer “yes” on any of these questions!

(The unfather does not understand that it is in the power of his hands to change! No, it is always somebody else who is to blame!)

The question: Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

No, and No again!

(Picture: Microsoft clip art)

Three things that I do not forgive!

Ever! I slot it all under the heading of domestic violence!

(I am aware that women can also be guilty...)

• Cheating on your wife

When you overstep the boundaries of the promise you made to each other, you violate the relationships with your wife AND your children.
Even though you patch it up again, the relationship will never be the same again...

• Treating your wife badly, especially when she needs you the most!

The whole range of domestic violence comes to play here – emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, threats, violence, discolouring the atmosphere as soon as you walk in the door, not helping with the kids...

• Not contributing financially towards your own children!

I have written about this before: Time for the soapbox - financial responsibilities.

 
I do not forgive you and I do not like you!
(I am black-and-white like that)

We don’t have to be quiet about domestic violence!
It is not acceptable! Never!
We should not let the perpetrators get away with it by being hush-hush!



This is it, from Powerwoman for today!

Depression – I feel sorry for the people living with the depressed

When I hear or see that somebody is depressed, my sympathy lies with the people living with that person!  Because I was in a similar situation eons ago, in a previous life...

I by no means want to lessen the feelings or the validity of the depressed! I believe depression to be one of the most life-sucking diseases there is!

The fact is that the people surrounding that person cannot do much to ease the suffering of the person. They cannot lift him up. They cannot kick him into his senses! They cannot tell him to shake it off! They are totally helpless! It is a depressing situation to be in! For the people surrounding that person!

The depressed person goes into a vortex of black hopelessness. If you are not careful, you get sucked into it as well!

I remember feeling as hopeless as the depression! I was becoming depressed myself. I went to a psychologist to ask how to handle the situation. She suggested medication, but I felt that it did not address the problem, but the symptoms of the problem...

The only other option she gave me was to run on a treadmill to get rid of my anger. Anger - that was what my emotions turned into! Anger that could not be vented! Because poor little depressed person! He cannot deal with it! He cannot work because of it! He cannot be blamed! Because it is the Depression!

You can imagine my feelings about “Depression”! Insert a couple of expletives here!!

I remember running and running on that treadmill! Somehow it did not work! The depression and all of it symptoms stuck with us!

In the end I had to get rid of the “problem”.  I had to change “my” life! I could not change somebody else’s life! I had to get out of the situation! I had to save “me”!

That’s why I still feel much more sympathy towards the people impacted by the depressed person!


But I have the utmost of respect for the depressed person who works with his depression, and who wants to get better! The person who do not want to stay in the dark cauldrons of his mind, but who reach out for help!
It is one of the hardest things to do!  To work with self! I salute you!

(Photo: Montecasino Bird Gardens)