Why did she stay for so long?

I haven't taken my soapbox out for a very long time! It's nice to be in a place where I am happy and safe and don't have to worry about going home to an explosive situation! That's possible for all, but only if we do it for ourselves!

I heard a TED talk the other day by Leslie Morgan Steiner about why domestic violence victims don't leave. It resonated so much with me,because a very long time ago in a very different life I was also 'stuck" in such a scenario. For nine years! (What was I thinking?)

The reason why you just don't leave is because it becomes the most dangerous time in your life when you decide to leave. As soon as I decided that I had enough - Finally! Finally! - I announced it to him and to the world. But I started to feel afraid to go home.

When someone shows you a gun with a silencer, when there is no reason to have a silencer... Then you are afraid!

When everything is your fault, although you have done nothing wrong, and you have to say sorry as far as you go. And smile when the person enters the room... I am only learning now about gas-lighting, but at that stage in my life I did not have the words for it! I only realised that he was blaming me for everything that he was to blame for! It worked for a while, as I was so flabbergasted being told that I am wasting our money... In the meantime he was not working, and not contributing!

While I had made a final decision to leave, I had to get my ducks in a row. I decided to tell him that I wanted to try again, but I told my family and friends that it wasn't true, and that I would still be leaving. That's was done to keep myself and my daughter safe! It's strange how many did not believe me, or thought that we had worked it out! It was the most difficult time, but I kept us save by doing the "right" things that would not trigger a violent outburst or make us unsafe.

As soon as we left, it got very dangerous. I had to get an interdict, and had to "hide". It was a difficult time! When you hear about an armed person trying to get into your property, or totally unknown people and friends phoning you and telling you that he has threatened your life! I was very afraid!

But we made it!
18 years later and I don't recognize that person I was, anymore!

Please don't stay!

What Leslie Morgan Steiner also said is that domestic violence flourishes because it is suffered in silence. Do not keep quiet about it! Tell everybody about it!

And ask people for help! People are more than willing to help, but can't help you when you don't want to be helped!

That's my contribution for domestic violence this month!
Don't suffer in silence! It's not your fault!


 Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- POWA - There's an app for helping you get out of a dangerous situation

- Protect you children by not staying

Protect your children by not staying

Keep them save from domestic violence #ChildProtection

It is National Child Protection Week this week. We hear about so many violent situations our children are subjected and exposed to. I don't even want to go there, because as a mother you can't stand it when you hear our children are getting hurt.

I also saw some domestic violence cases being reported on in social media. Of women so scared and so lonely and ostracized that they are prisoners in their own homes. I only hope that they will get the courage to leave the situation.

It is never a good idea to stay!
It is never good for the children to stay!
It always gets worse!

My plea is to all mothers stuck in this situation to get out as soon as possible. Make your plans! There will be a safe time to leave! Take your children with you! Ask for help! There will be people in your family and your community who will help you!

You don't know how frustrating it is for the people on the sidelines seeing you suffering and not being able to help! They will step up when you are ready! But they can't help you when you don't ask and when you think you can handle it on your own.

Think of your children! Is this the way you want them to grow up? Living with violence, physical and emotional?

I am so glad I left a previous life! I asked for help! I saved myself and my daughter! Things get better, much sooner than you think! Now it is only a blip in my past, and we are living a life with hope and wonder! To be afraid in your own home is not a way of life!


Would you help someone asking you to help when they are stuck in a domestic violence situation?


There are resources to contact:

Child Protection Week

POWA Get Help

How do you know that you are caught in a domestic violence situation?

The month of October is a month where we reflect on domestic violence.
There are always ALWAYS other options available to us!

You don't have to live like this!!

Sometimes we ignore the signs, and we say to ourselves that it is not so bad!
He's sorry and he won't do it again!
Until the next time when it's worse...

Please! You are worth more than he makes you feel! You are worth getting out of there, and living the life you  planned for yourself!


If you answer YES to any of these questions, you are a domestic violence victim.

* Has your partner or ex-partner ever hit you or physically hurt you?

*Has he ever threatened to hurt you or someone close to you?

*Does your partner ever try to control you by threatening to hurt you or your family?

*Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to? Has he ever refused to practice safe sex?

*Has he/she ever tried to restrict you freedom or keep you from doing things that were important to you? (like going to school, working, seeing your friends or family)

*Does your partner frequently belittle you, insult you, and blame you?

*Do you feel controlled or isolated by your partner?

*Do you ever feel afraid of you partner? Do you feel like you are in danger? Is it safe for you to go home?

*Is your partner jealous? Does he frequently accuse you of infidelity?



You don't have to stay a victim. You CAN get out of there!!

A long long time ago in a different lifetime I also could say yes to many of these questions!
I got out of there, and I have never looked back!
I now know that I was only one who could change things!
Nobody else could help me before I decided I wanted help!


I found the questions here: Womanspace: Screening Questions
(There are tons of websites on the Internet)

Word cloud: Wordclouds

Bullying: We are stronger than we think!

I was alerted to Elsa’s website, Stronger than you think, by Lynette (A work in Progress) who is her sister. Elsa’s daughter disappeared with a friend, and was only found 4 days later. (This is of course great news!)
All because of bullying at school!

They knew that her daughter was unhappy and that she was bullied, but they were hoping to sort it out with the school. This did not have a satisfactory result.

Elsa has learnt a couple of lessons along the way. I am also worried about the girl politics at school and the fact that little girls can be so mean to each other! We get feedback on a daily basis about the ugly things the little girls say to each other! It makes Little Miss very unhappy!

Elsa wrote me the following, and she agreed that I can share it on my blog:

“Since I started making noises about the prevalence of bullying and what I perceive to be the inability or unwillingness of the school staff to deal with it, I have had a lot of responses from all over the world... it is quite overwhelming.

I am hoping that the website I am setting up will be a place where people can find encouragement, support and maybe some help/advice for dealing with their own situations. 

Three of my four children have had to deal with bullies. My son has been the only one subjected to physical bullying. We spent quite a bit of time on phone calls to and meeting with the principal and teachers. Unfortunately there was very little done about it, but we most certainly made a lot of noise. My son is no longer being bullied. Not because they stopped being bullies but because he started Muay Thai which has given him the confidence to stand up for himself.

Both my daughters were subjected to verbal bullying directly and through the spreading of rumours as well as cyber bullying. My eldest dealt with it by facing up to them, but my youngest is a marshmallow who could not deal with it at all - she became so paranoid that she no longer felt safe at home, even. She ran away with a friend and was missing for 4 days. It was hell. Since her return we have moved her to a private school and she is also seeing a counsellor. We are hopeful that she will be able to deal with any new problems in the future. 

I am sorry to hear that your daughter already has to deal with other mean kids. I unfortunately don't have any fool proof answers as to how to stop it. Emma (my youngest) was teased and insulted daily when she was that age. It broke my heart. Unfortunately the only thing I could do was to counsel her not to resort to the same bad behaviour, to avoid the nasty girls as much as she could and to tell the teacher when she felt she couldn't cope with it. My husband and I raised the matter with the school several times and insisted that something be done about it, with no noticeable results. Eventually they found someone else to pick on and left her alone. There is no feeling of victory in that, is there?

As a parent, you have the right to insist that the adults where your child is attending keep her safe. You may be able to reach out to the parents of the children involved - hopefully they will be receptive. Quite often they are not, but it is worth a try. You can also look into your legal rights and whether you can involve the police.

I thought I would mention to you what a friend of mine's gorgeous child is doing, because I think it is a brilliant idea.  She started a colouring-in club at her school (she is 9). This provides a place for children who do not feel safe during break times to get together and participate in activities. She started the club about a month ago and now has 21 children who regularly participate. Her mother, I and a few other people are providing the supplies. It is inexpensive and effective. So at least for now those little ones are safe from their tormentors.”


Thanks Elsa!

I was just reminded again that we can’t ignore these things or tell our children to ignore it!
We have to act and to help them to handle the bullies! I love the idea of a colouring club!


Elsa is based in Australia, but the problem of bullying is a worldwide one!
You can help Elsa by sending details of where to get help in your own country:
elsa @ stronger than you think .me
Elsa's website is also going live next Tuesday, and it will be worth checking out more stories, including an interview with Kitty who started the colouring club at her school.


Related post: 

- iSchool giving Young SA a Voice to speak out against gender based violence #endGBV

Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

Walk away

Culprit chasing off

We witnessed a scene yesterday. It was through the window of a restaurant, and we did not know if we were supposed to duck, or to keep on watching to see what was going to happen...

Cars came to a screeching halt in the parking area. A young boy (I don't think he is a man, especially judging by his behaviour) jumped out of his car (the yellow car without number plates).
He was wildly waving his arms, and brandishing a gun in the one hand at the family in the white Merc (see car in back of photo).

His girlfriend was running around the car, and pushing and shoving him back into the car, while he was running towards the other car with the gun! She managed to get him back in the car, and they chased off!

It was very scary! As easy as that to wave a gun at other people...

The only thing I could tell my eldest daughter: If you ever ever find yourself in such a situation... Where guns are being used to threaten other people...

Walk away immediately! Get out of the car, and walk off! Phone somebody else to come and fetch you!

Walk away!

She totally agrees with me!
She said that she would not even tolerate a gun in her home!

It was very scary!

I wore black, and I will be doing it again

I know it doesn't help the people who have died, and the people who have been raped...
But I wore black last Friday!
Powerwoman on her soapbox again!

I believe that it does not really help marching against something, and that it actually just keep on focusing on the negative! Mother Theresa also said that she would always march for peace, but not against violence.

But I wore black in solidarity with everybody who thought and pleaded and shouted against the senseless murders and the senseless rapes of women. Women who most recently got a face through Reeva Steenkamp and Anene Booysen.

Sometimes we need to speak out against something! Something that is not right! Something that is not working in our society!
How can we stand by and only watch when these things are happening?

Some of us are "luckier"or "smarter", and we think we won't be confronted with it.
I was one of them!

I did not know when I got married that I would be afraid in my own home...
That I would put up a fake smile because I was shown a gun with a silencer...
That I would go in hiding because I was afraid of my life and the life of my child...
That I had to tip-toe around my own words, afraid that the wrong word could trigger a violent verbal outburst that would explode...

That's why I am an advocate for initiatives like Speak Out.

There are reasons why you should not stay, and the earlier you acknowledge them and make a decision to not put up with unacceptable behaviour, the better for all!

We are all stronger than we think we are! We can say no! We can walk out! We can stand up, and we can speak out!

We can only make a difference in our own lives, and the lives of those we touch, but one step at a time!
We can do better than this!

We can show our children there are better ways!
Our girls should not tolerate abusive behaviour from their partners.
Our boys should not be shown the way to handle life is with guns and violence!

The only way is by living the way we want to see the world!
We cannot stay in an abusive relationship, and then try teaching our daughters differently!
We cannot keep guns, and live aggressively, and not show compassion. And then think our boys will do it differently!

It starts with us...

Bum up and go the same as dealing with DV

I do not get bored with status updates about how many kilometres you have done, or how many press-ups you have done.

I get insanely, green, dark-green, purple jealous!!!

Because I know how pleased you are and should be about yourself!
And how much good you have packed into that exercise.

Meanwhile, back at the Bum in the chair, I am Slump-Sister!
And not feeling good at all about myself!

It struck me today that not exercising is the same as being stuck in domestic violence.

You are the only person that can change the situation!

- You can complain until your hair falls out and your toes turn orange. It will not change the situation.

- You can feel sorry for yourself. You can cry. It will not change the situation.

- You can tell the priest, the psychologist, your family and friends about your bum deal. It will not change the situation!

- You can stay! It will not change the situation!

How to deal with domestic violence:

- You need to make the ultimatums!
- You have to act if things does not change.
- You have to get out of there! 

Of course it is not easy, but is it possible.
Staying there is also a decision!

-------

So, I lifted my bum today:

20 minutes of rolling hills on level 3 gave me 7 kilometres.
100 arm exercises (don't know what you call it), and 30 sit-ups!

Better than staying on my chair during lunch-time!

The haunting of words

Today, as in most other days, I have been thinking about a "brave" woman who has had to go in hiding for the safety of her children.
"Brave" because she doesn't have another option but to be brave!

And she has been writing!
Haunting words of beauty and of shock and of finding herself!

Of having to go through a series of excisions, of being a dead woman, and being silenced.
But she found her voice again, even going to the media to tell her story.

A story of finding violence in her own home. A story of finding that her partner was not the person she thought he was. A story from violence to healing.

I am just appalled that a person who threatens the safety of his wife and children are allowed to walk free in the streets. Even two years after the violence and the 18000 pornographic images have been discovered on his computer. The divorce had gone through in the meantime and joint custody has been awarded to them.

She had to take her children and run...

This is not a third world country we are talking about. It is in America. Where the laws and the justice system are supposed to be better?

You can read her ongoing story on Wanderlust!

Thinking of you, Kristin!

Also with the knowing that there are so many woman without a voice, who have been fighting on their own for the safety of their precious children..

Threats from our toddler

37 months on Saturday and she knows how to make a threat!


“I am going to tell my sister!”
(The sister who is now at varsity.)

Then it gets more violent after that, because she tells us what her sister is going to do with us…

With guns and knives…

It’s funny, but also NOT!

Where does she get the language? Because it is not how we speak to her or each other…

A sad reflection of our society today?

Too much TV?

Bad TV?

Bad parenting?

We find that being a 3-year old is a very aggressive age!


The year is in full swing and its back to tiny gymnastics again! She missed the classes, and I could see the improvement from the previous year.

Tiny Tumbles

The Toddler met her new cousin, and we had a whole discussion about the family hierarchy.

“Sunet is my baby!”
Dad: “No, she is Elise & Karel’s baby! She is your cousin!”
“She is MY cousin, not yours!”
Dad: “Of course, because I am her uncle!”
“She is not Clarisse’s cousin!”
Dad: “No, she is Clarisse’s sister!” and so on...

She also did not want me to take the baby home!

Welcome, Sunet!

We had a very relaxing weekend with our toddler, and there was time to do some decorating in her room, thanks to Mr Price!

Pinocchio turned out to be a scary bed-time story, because she woke up screaming about the growing nose last night!
Back back in the shelve with Bambi...

Monday, and missing the little face her again!


How was your weekend?


Related post:
Some toddler stuff

Passive Aggressive is another kind of violence

WordItOut word cloud: Passive Aggressive behaviour

Definition:

"Put simply passive aggressive behaviour is silent aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.
A passive aggressive individual doesn't always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". – Counselling Directory

Examples that I have experienced:

            -   “Forgetting” to pass on an invite.
- Saying that you will do something and not doing it.

-          - Not paying on time.

-          - Coming late on a regular basis.

-          - Accepting an invite, and phoning to cancel at the last moment.

-          - No response at all to an invite.

-          - Not prepared at all for guests that have been invited.

-          - Only starting to make food when the guests arrive, and spending the whole time in the kitchen while they are there.

-          - It is always somebody else’s fault!

-          - When confronted about passive aggressive behaviour the person does not own up to it.

It is usually very subtle, and only after a number of occurrences do you actually start to realise that something more is at play!

It is strange that passive aggressives do these things out of a deep sense of unworthiness, but the more they exhibited this kind of behaviour, the more people withdraw from them...

The unfather who died the previous week also paid his maintenance late every month, and his ex-wife had to stress while waiting on him... The final passive aggressive act! The maintenance money was not paid, the school fees and forms for next year was not sorted as he had promised... We hope that his will was sorted before he died! 

What legacy is he leaving behind?

It is violence. Violence against your own family members when you try to leverage relationships by being passive aggressive!

About fathers and unfathers

A father died very unexpectedly last Saturday.


He left behind three children from a previous marriage that now has to go on in life without his presence…

(Stuff like this really happens!)

No matter what the circumstances at the time, it will leave a mark…

It made me think about another father who has written himself out of his daughter’s life. Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

The questions that needs to be asked:

• Would it made a positive impact in her life when she reconnects with him again?
• Would she be less scared of him this time around?
• Would she be able to not tippy-toe around him when she is with him?
• Would she be able to do her own teenage and student things when she is with him, or will he still demand 24/7 attention?
• Did he change his behaviour?
• Did he go for anger management counseling?\
• Does he work?
• Does he contribute financially towards his new family?
• Does he contribute financially to help her with her studies?
• Did the emotional manipulation come to an end?
• Would the daily conversation be about a future of possibilities – for her and more in general?
• Would I feel that she is going into a safe environment?

I cannot answer “yes” on any of these questions!

(The unfather does not understand that it is in the power of his hands to change! No, it is always somebody else who is to blame!)

The question: Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

No, and No again!

(Picture: Microsoft clip art)

Time for the soapbox – financial responsibilities

It is 16 days of No Violence against Women and Children-time again. Of course, Powerwoman has to get on her soapbox. Especially after I heard of another sorry excuse of a dad who does not take care of his financial responsibility towards his child...

As you all know by now, I feel very strongly about dads who use violence of any sort against their families. In another life in another time I was caught up in an emotional manipulative relationship! That’s why I have an X... The X also did not contribute financially towards his daughter up until today.

To withhold money from your wife and from your children is a form of violence. To manipulate your “loved ones” (do you really love them?) by threatening financial repercussions is VIOLENCE against them. To not pay for your child when you are divorced from the mother is violence against the mother AND his own child. His own flesh and blood!

The sorry-excuse-of-a -dad of a friend’s child only has to pay R300 South African rands (42.74 USD; 27.35 GBP) in a month. It only buys about one bag of nappies and a can of formula!  That is absolutely nothing. Then they don’t pay the maintenance, but complains about access to their children. And the poor mother has to juggle her finances, cope on her own with the child 24/7, AND has to be available for whenever the dad feels he wants to see the child...

Somewhere the equation does not add up!

When you decide to have a child, you also decide to take care of that child. Don’t you? But somehow it does not seem as logical for some people. They can just shrug it off, and say that “money does not have anything to do with love!” Yes, I have heard that argument a number of times! Unbelievable!

In these 16 days of no Violence against Women and Children I want people to also think of the financial violence that’s happening all around us. It does not show up in bruises, and tell-tale signs of domestic abuse. In the end it is violence in a very physical way! Children are deprived of the best we want to give them. They are deprived of opportunities because we can’t pay for everything! Our children are deprived in a very physical way!

Does it not make the sorry-excuses-for-dads feel guilty? I hope it does!

Related posts:
Soap Box tirades
Powerwoman on her soapbox again

Taking back the power by speaking out

Time for the soapbox again. There is nothing that upsets me more than a house where there is domestic violence. It can take so many forms, but you know in your heart something is wrong when you are scared going back to your own home! When there is somebody that makes you being afraid for your own and your children’s welfare.

Two bloggers have spoken out his week. Kristin at Wanderlust in Australia found herself in such a situation that she was frozen into silence for two months. But she decided to speak out, because she realized that by keeping quiet she is relinquishing her own power. Her family have been subjected to real physical violence, and they haven’t seen her husband since...  She writes a very powerful post about domestic violence and her realization that it is all about being in control.

Closer to home Melany at SuperMom also spoke about her fear for her son being targeted by emotional abuse... 

It is very upsetting to hear such stories!  It also touches me deeply because I was in such a situation in my previous life! Someone controlling your whole life! Someone who demands that the world revolves around himself. But he does not take responsibility for his actions/inactions on the rest of the family. When he realizes he is losing control, and trying to keep it by threatening your existence... More than ten years later and I still get the jitters when thinking about it. Especially when my own daughter is too afraid to even ask her own Dad for a signature... Even today it makes me very angry!

I am proud of mothers/women standing up by speaking out, saying “Enough!”

Powerwoman on her soapbox again

A work colleague, Paulette Tshiredo, whom I unfortunately only knew from her sunny face in the corridors, has died recently because of domestic violence. Very very sad!! It happened last week at the start of 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children.
I hate this word “Against”. It gives energy to whatever comes after the word, and makes it persists. Therefore I will not say it again!
I know of so many women who found themselves in a position where their power are taken from them, or chiselled away. Sometimes we do not know what to call it, or we do not know how to get out of it. I also found myself stuck in such a situation.
To feel that you are not being treated as you should be or that you know this is not how it is supposed to be in a relationship…
That’s why I have an X (the cancelled one). I came to the realization that the only one who can do something about my situation was I. Which I did with lots of willing help from my family and friends! My daughter has also drawn the line, and I am proud of her for taking a stand!
We MAY say we will not allow a certain type of behaviour, and we are responsible for how people treat us!
I vote for a 16 Days of Activism for Peace and Empowerment to Women and Children! Who votes with me?

Soap box tirades

Emotional abuse is not on! I think it is the worst kind of abuse! Because you can’t show the wounds! I have been stewing now for days with a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It was part of my previous life, and today I go into full battle mode when there is even the slightest breeze of emotional manipulation in the air!
Why do we keep quiet when we are caught up in the game? Do we need to play out the drama until we finally realize that it is not on? Or are we too proud or too ashamed to admit we are not being treated as we should be? I think that has been my reason for putting up with it for so long! Ten years, but ten years has passed since then as well. (Wow! It shows my age.) When I hear of a friend who has been subjected to it as well, I am amazed at how much the modus operandi shows similarities.
Partners that tell you and make you feel crap, AND tell you that you’re thinking are wrong. Partners who do not do their share, but make you feel guilty when you try to hold everything together. Partners who prevent you from being with your friends and family and wants to have 100% of you all of the time…
Enough of the bad stories! I am kicking the soap box back underneath the bed. Powerwoman do not dwell on the past for too long. Everybody has to make their own decisions about how long they want to play in their dramas! Thank goodness for friends and family who help you through the bad times! (I support you too, friend!)
Now my drama is about babies and dogs and teenagers and trying to cope with being a working mother and wife! Peanuts for Powerwoman! (Wink-wink, smile)
I wonder what type of dramas we keep playing that we could have stopped long ago?

10-year Celebrations

I was reading Yvonne’s blog, about her husband’s infidelity and divorce, when the realization hit me that it’s been 10 years for me as well. On the 29th of August 1999 I walked out of our house with just a few of me and my daughter’s belongings. I was walking out of a marriage where emotional manipulation of a husband who was not working was part of the daily routine. It was a scary time with X (cancelled one) threatening to kill us, and me having to get interdicts against him. We had to hide, and I had to make sure my daughter was safe. Two weeks later when I went to fetch my stuff, X prevented me from taking it. At that stage it was very traumatic to lose everything, but later on I could describe it as one of the most liberating things of my life.
Today it’s 10 years later, and it feels to me as if I am telling stories about a previous life, one from which I reincarnated from.
I remember putting a smile on my face whenever the X came into the room. I was not feeling like smiling at that stage, because usually we were financially cash-strapped with X not working, but I did not want to provoke him. X also showed me his gun after he had put on a silencer. Why do you put a silencer on a gun when you want to shoot at thieves? X also demanded 100% undivided attention, and complained when I watched television or did the washing. I coped by getting into a mode of asking X if I could do the washing or whatever. And in the meantime X was at home, but not contributing financially or doing anything about the daily chores. The things you do for peace…
My daughter came to the same conclusion last year that she did not want to see X as well. It was after X grabbed his current wife by the neck in a fight. I heard in counseling that she also had to ask her dad for permission to go to the toilet or to do her homework. She was on edge the whole time to please X, and he also demanded her undivided attention. She even got a hiding – at 15 years of age - just after she had her appendix taken out for not giving X attention. (X told her that was the reason).

And now, I am married to a wonderful husband, who is working and doing his share at home as well. The ultimate 21st century man! We have been married for 5 years already, we have a beautiful baby daughter together and we have a teenage daughter which brings us great joy! Now my only trials and tribulations are contributed to not sleeping because of the baby, and trying to cope with the loss of grey matter (Brain bubble).
Just now, I had to go and order a new company card. Between last night when I left the building with the card, and this morning when I was responsible for a car queue in the parking area, I had lost the card. And the card was supposed to stay in the car. The mind boggles what I could have done with it…

Blogging mom2

As a new mom, working, I also feel terribly isolated with regards to connecting to other moms. Most of my friends in the same position are also working full-time and we struggle to get together. That’s another reason for me starting this blog – to understand my own feelings and situation, to connect to other moms and to figure out, while writing, than what I am doing is “right”. If only then “right” for myself and the baby.
Oh, and being the older mom also isolates me… While I am bleary-eyed, lactating, struggling to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes (a whole other story, and yes, I know, by this time it shouldn’t have been a problem) with a baby on the hip, my other friends are focusing on careers and discussing teenagers and holidays. I am also hiding underneath different caps every day because I am graying (I do not get enough time to colour it), and because I am losing hair post-pregnancy. Luckily its winter and the caps do not look out of place. Also, the winter clothes help to cover the post-pregnancy flab. I am putting on weight and keep on telling myself it’s because I am still breast feeding and can’t focus on drastic weight loss dieting. I was very much impressed with myself for not putting on too much weight during the pregnancy, only 10 kilograms, but it was because I did not have any space left for food. Food also did not have any appeal to me. Unluckily, I got my appetite and “space” back. These topics are not exactly interesting, but that’s where I find myself AGAIN. And I love it all over again: the baby has changed our lives AGAIN.
16 years ago I had a baby, Arnia, and now I wonder how I coped with the baby while being married to a narcissist and manipulative man who most of the time could not keep up a job. The X (the cancelled one) is not part of my life anymore, and Arnia has also started to limit her access to her father. His toxic presence has finally pissed her off completely, and I don’t think the relationship will be mended fully again. It is something Arnia has to work out for herself.
For me it’s a previous life, and it sometimes feel as if I have been reincarnated into this life. Totally different. I am now married to Dries, a wonderful caring, providing and supportive husband. Now I can’t belief that I could have been part of a violent partnership. I realized that by staying there I was enabling him to continue his bad behaviour.
That’s why I belief in new beginnings and new lives. It’s possible and much better the next time around. Maybe I am lucky, but I do believe that we create our own destinies and we are doing it continuously by making choices. My choice is to be happy and peaceful and I am that right now!
Arnia told the X and his wife last night that she is happy and peaceful at our home, and she does not have to stress about anything. It tells us that we (me and Dries) are doing something “right”. We are reconstructed, but we are doing it “better”. And that’s all I wish for! With a beautiful baby girl…