Why did she stay for so long?

I haven't taken my soapbox out for a very long time! It's nice to be in a place where I am happy and safe and don't have to worry about going home to an explosive situation! That's possible for all, but only if we do it for ourselves!

I heard a TED talk the other day by Leslie Morgan Steiner about why domestic violence victims don't leave. It resonated so much with me,because a very long time ago in a very different life I was also 'stuck" in such a scenario. For nine years! (What was I thinking?)

The reason why you just don't leave is because it becomes the most dangerous time in your life when you decide to leave. As soon as I decided that I had enough - Finally! Finally! - I announced it to him and to the world. But I started to feel afraid to go home.

When someone shows you a gun with a silencer, when there is no reason to have a silencer... Then you are afraid!

When everything is your fault, although you have done nothing wrong, and you have to say sorry as far as you go. And smile when the person enters the room... I am only learning now about gas-lighting, but at that stage in my life I did not have the words for it! I only realised that he was blaming me for everything that he was to blame for! It worked for a while, as I was so flabbergasted being told that I am wasting our money... In the meantime he was not working, and not contributing!

While I had made a final decision to leave, I had to get my ducks in a row. I decided to tell him that I wanted to try again, but I told my family and friends that it wasn't true, and that I would still be leaving. That's was done to keep myself and my daughter safe! It's strange how many did not believe me, or thought that we had worked it out! It was the most difficult time, but I kept us save by doing the "right" things that would not trigger a violent outburst or make us unsafe.

As soon as we left, it got very dangerous. I had to get an interdict, and had to "hide". It was a difficult time! When you hear about an armed person trying to get into your property, or totally unknown people and friends phoning you and telling you that he has threatened your life! I was very afraid!

But we made it!
18 years later and I don't recognize that person I was, anymore!

Please don't stay!

What Leslie Morgan Steiner also said is that domestic violence flourishes because it is suffered in silence. Do not keep quiet about it! Tell everybody about it!

And ask people for help! People are more than willing to help, but can't help you when you don't want to be helped!

That's my contribution for domestic violence this month!
Don't suffer in silence! It's not your fault!


 Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- POWA - There's an app for helping you get out of a dangerous situation

- Protect you children by not staying

Quotes about emotional manipulation

Hero of your own life #quote - Pinterest

I have a friend who seems to be stuck in an emotional manipulative relationship.
She is unhappy, and the relationship is not doing her any good.
She knows it and says she must be going, but she doesn't!

That's all we have been talking about for two years now...

She is worth so much more, but it seems her self-worth has been eroded so much that she can't move!

I so hope she gets herself out of the situation this year!

I though I would collect some quotes and remind her each day how much more her life can be!
(I hope it is not patronising?)


But I feel helpless watching from the sidelines!

Here are some:

- "Stay away from people who make you feel you are hard to love" - extramadness.com

- "You are angry and frustrated when you question your partner about something that's bothering you, because he immediately shifts the focus onto you - it becomes all about your problem with trust or insecurity, while the original question or issue is never addressed." - psychopathsandlove.com

- "If you ever found yourself in the wrong story, leave." - Mo Williams (Loubis-and-champagne)

- "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." - Pin from Sayings and Quotes / Unhealthy love

- "The only solution to a controlling relationship could be to break the repetitive cycle and end it!" - The Telegraph


Do you have any quotes for me?

No, today I will not stand up!

The students are protesting today about change at the North West University. They are doing it under the banner of  "Sal jy opstaan?" #saljyopstaan (Will you stand up?)

I personally won't be standing up today!

As a parent I am extremely grateful that they are finally doing something at the university.

I was appalled at the initiation practices three years back when my daughter started there as a first year. I could not believe that the same initiation practices that we were subjected to in 1985 were still being practices at a higher education institution. I complained at that stage, but was told that it is not initiation! Orientation is not the same as initiation.
This was/is initiation!
I felt like we had failed our children by allowing them to be subjected to this!

Change is a difficult thing, but it is definitely needed in this case!

I wanted my daughter to study at an institution where they are focused on learning and developing a well-rounded person, but in the first year (and even after that), they were subjected to bully behaviour where they are required to conform to the norm, or being forced out of their residences.

I am also glad to hear that other changes about the language and the culture will be instituted!
You can't keep on living in a bubble!


I am glad that the next generation of students won't be subjected to this!
Thanks North West University!


I know I am not going to be popular by saying this!
But as a parent I have to!

Related posts:

- Initiation still ongoing at university

- Initiation update - as sick as a dog!

Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

Initiation still ongoing at university

Time for the Soap Box:

Each year I hope that they would finally see the light and that they would stop with the practices of initiation at university...

But each year the previous year's first year students are allowed to go off on and bully their fellow students. They are allowed to scare their fellow students shit-less and they are allowed to take a superior stance over the junior students coming into the establishment.

I have heard that it is not as bad at certain institutions, but I have seen and heard again that it is exactly the same our  Student experienced two years ago. I felt at that stage that I had failed my daughter for sending her to this establishment.

I saw on Saturday groups of people dressed in the same clothes. It did not look enjoyable at all jumping after a ball. I heard no laughing. They were just going through the motions!

This group below was walking in groups of three's, holding hands, with seniors walking behind, with a big red emergency bag at her side. Maybe it is good that there is an emergency bag, but what it say that there is a necessity for an emergency bag?

When we walked past a group of juniors, there was this muffled greetings from each of them. Poor girls. They are forced to greet all the seniors with titles.

Yesterday evening the senior had to dress and paint their faces in ugly scary white, red and black and there was a lot of shouting and screaming. This is a tradition apparently to introduce the seniors to the juniors. The poor juniors can't even recognise the seniors with their war paint, and they are targeted when they are really tired already.

It is bullying and abuse!

It is not necessary! 

It does not say a whole lot about us as a society! 

Why can't the juniors be welcomed in a happy stress-free environment?

Why do they have to be bullied into submission?

I don't understand it! At all! 

I wore black, and I will be doing it again

I know it doesn't help the people who have died, and the people who have been raped...
But I wore black last Friday!
Powerwoman on her soapbox again!

I believe that it does not really help marching against something, and that it actually just keep on focusing on the negative! Mother Theresa also said that she would always march for peace, but not against violence.

But I wore black in solidarity with everybody who thought and pleaded and shouted against the senseless murders and the senseless rapes of women. Women who most recently got a face through Reeva Steenkamp and Anene Booysen.

Sometimes we need to speak out against something! Something that is not right! Something that is not working in our society!
How can we stand by and only watch when these things are happening?

Some of us are "luckier"or "smarter", and we think we won't be confronted with it.
I was one of them!

I did not know when I got married that I would be afraid in my own home...
That I would put up a fake smile because I was shown a gun with a silencer...
That I would go in hiding because I was afraid of my life and the life of my child...
That I had to tip-toe around my own words, afraid that the wrong word could trigger a violent verbal outburst that would explode...

That's why I am an advocate for initiatives like Speak Out.

There are reasons why you should not stay, and the earlier you acknowledge them and make a decision to not put up with unacceptable behaviour, the better for all!

We are all stronger than we think we are! We can say no! We can walk out! We can stand up, and we can speak out!

We can only make a difference in our own lives, and the lives of those we touch, but one step at a time!
We can do better than this!

We can show our children there are better ways!
Our girls should not tolerate abusive behaviour from their partners.
Our boys should not be shown the way to handle life is with guns and violence!

The only way is by living the way we want to see the world!
We cannot stay in an abusive relationship, and then try teaching our daughters differently!
We cannot keep guns, and live aggressively, and not show compassion. And then think our boys will do it differently!

It starts with us...

Three things that I do not forgive!

Ever! I slot it all under the heading of domestic violence!

(I am aware that women can also be guilty...)

• Cheating on your wife

When you overstep the boundaries of the promise you made to each other, you violate the relationships with your wife AND your children.
Even though you patch it up again, the relationship will never be the same again...

• Treating your wife badly, especially when she needs you the most!

The whole range of domestic violence comes to play here – emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, threats, violence, discolouring the atmosphere as soon as you walk in the door, not helping with the kids...

• Not contributing financially towards your own children!

I have written about this before: Time for the soapbox - financial responsibilities.

 
I do not forgive you and I do not like you!
(I am black-and-white like that)

We don’t have to be quiet about domestic violence!
It is not acceptable! Never!
We should not let the perpetrators get away with it by being hush-hush!



This is it, from Powerwoman for today!

Time for the soapbox – financial responsibilities

It is 16 days of No Violence against Women and Children-time again. Of course, Powerwoman has to get on her soapbox. Especially after I heard of another sorry excuse of a dad who does not take care of his financial responsibility towards his child...

As you all know by now, I feel very strongly about dads who use violence of any sort against their families. In another life in another time I was caught up in an emotional manipulative relationship! That’s why I have an X... The X also did not contribute financially towards his daughter up until today.

To withhold money from your wife and from your children is a form of violence. To manipulate your “loved ones” (do you really love them?) by threatening financial repercussions is VIOLENCE against them. To not pay for your child when you are divorced from the mother is violence against the mother AND his own child. His own flesh and blood!

The sorry-excuse-of-a -dad of a friend’s child only has to pay R300 South African rands (42.74 USD; 27.35 GBP) in a month. It only buys about one bag of nappies and a can of formula!  That is absolutely nothing. Then they don’t pay the maintenance, but complains about access to their children. And the poor mother has to juggle her finances, cope on her own with the child 24/7, AND has to be available for whenever the dad feels he wants to see the child...

Somewhere the equation does not add up!

When you decide to have a child, you also decide to take care of that child. Don’t you? But somehow it does not seem as logical for some people. They can just shrug it off, and say that “money does not have anything to do with love!” Yes, I have heard that argument a number of times! Unbelievable!

In these 16 days of no Violence against Women and Children I want people to also think of the financial violence that’s happening all around us. It does not show up in bruises, and tell-tale signs of domestic abuse. In the end it is violence in a very physical way! Children are deprived of the best we want to give them. They are deprived of opportunities because we can’t pay for everything! Our children are deprived in a very physical way!

Does it not make the sorry-excuses-for-dads feel guilty? I hope it does!

Related posts:
Soap Box tirades
Powerwoman on her soapbox again

Lost children

I was booked off sick for two days. It did me a whole lot of good! I actually got to read a whole book by Aher Arop Bol, The lost boy. In the past 20 months I did not get that much time for book reading. My book stack is growing and growing of books to be read!

Aher Arop Bol is the real life story of a Sudanese refugee boy who lost his parents and landed up in refugee camps in Sudan with his uncle when he was three or four. He had to fend for himself for fifteen years. He made his way through Africa in search for education, and always for word of his parents. He got some education in the camps, also in Zimbabwe, and lastly in South Africa. He met Sannie Meiring in Pretoria who helped him to write the book.

Of course, I bawled my eyes out! I am looking through the haze of my contact lenses right now!

I am thinking today of all the children who have lost their parents, and who struggle for survival every day. As long as there are refugees, there are stories like these for each and every one of them. But the children get to me the most!

We have a small little person in our lives that we only want the best for. Our lives revolve around her! Who look after all these children without parents to fend for them? It touched me that Aher Arap Bol said that the kindness of strangers helped him to survive. I hope we will be able to BE some of those strangers when presented with the same situation... (Look more closely to the people selling that stuff on the street corners.)

(Powerwoman on her soapbox-post)