Don't wake up an insightful look at the dynamics in a relationship

Don't wake up, by Shauna Kelley - on Kindle

Booktasters does not disappoint. You get the choose from quality books, get a free copy, in exchange for honest review on Amazon.

The final pages of Don't wake up, by Shauna Kelley, had me shaken. It took me a few days to process. Because I have experience of domestic violence and emotional abuse (in a previous life), this book touched so many nerves. My soap box tirades are evidence. The really smarts of this book is the exploration into a relationship, and how much is truth, and how much is perception. Who is the victim, and who is the abuser/manipulator. It is not as clear cut. Perception trumps the truth in the end? Go read this book. I truly recommend it!

Quotes about emotional manipulation

Hero of your own life #quote - Pinterest

I have a friend who seems to be stuck in an emotional manipulative relationship.
She is unhappy, and the relationship is not doing her any good.
She knows it and says she must be going, but she doesn't!

That's all we have been talking about for two years now...

She is worth so much more, but it seems her self-worth has been eroded so much that she can't move!

I so hope she gets herself out of the situation this year!

I though I would collect some quotes and remind her each day how much more her life can be!
(I hope it is not patronising?)


But I feel helpless watching from the sidelines!

Here are some:

- "Stay away from people who make you feel you are hard to love" - extramadness.com

- "You are angry and frustrated when you question your partner about something that's bothering you, because he immediately shifts the focus onto you - it becomes all about your problem with trust or insecurity, while the original question or issue is never addressed." - psychopathsandlove.com

- "If you ever found yourself in the wrong story, leave." - Mo Williams (Loubis-and-champagne)

- "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." - Pin from Sayings and Quotes / Unhealthy love

- "The only solution to a controlling relationship could be to break the repetitive cycle and end it!" - The Telegraph


Do you have any quotes for me?

Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

Rose with thorns

It is very difficult navigating the relationship arena when you are young. You still have to define and find yourself, while negotiating in a relationship with another person on the same path of self-definition.

That was true for me! Because of that I made the "mistakes" in my relationships, and made the wrong choice in my first marriage partner. (Now I don't think of it as mistakes any more, but as valuable life lessons.)
I would not have become the person I am now, and have been where I am now, had it not been for these "detours" in my life!

Of course, I am sharing my "wisdom" with my daughters!

It seems my eldest has a good shot of her own wisdom. She has picked up most from her interactions with the unfather, who is a very emotional manipulative person.

The boyfriends in her life does not get a chance to treat her badly.
She does not allow it!

On Friday night she changed the arrangements to make it easier for the the boyfriend to come and pick her up. He flipped, and said that she can't change the arrangements as she wish. He also came and gave back her books she has loaned him, and broke off the relationship. She shrugged, and said that was it!
When the boyfriend wanted to continue as usual on Saturday, by ignoring the previous night's altercation, she wanted nothing more to do with him. He has been sending flowers and chocolates, and continues to bug her with requests to stay his girlfriend! But he has not said he is sorry!

She says she does not take back ex-boyfriends!

I am proud of her! I think it shows that she is extremely smart with regards relationships.

If this guy gets mad about a small arrangement being changed, and then not apologising... What would happen when there are bigger issues at stake?
Something is not right there?

I wish I had her "smarts" when I was young!

(Sketch: Little Missy's sketch of her sister)

Passive Aggressive is another kind of violence

WordItOut word cloud: Passive Aggressive behaviour

Definition:

"Put simply passive aggressive behaviour is silent aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.
A passive aggressive individual doesn't always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". – Counselling Directory

Examples that I have experienced:

            -   “Forgetting” to pass on an invite.
- Saying that you will do something and not doing it.

-          - Not paying on time.

-          - Coming late on a regular basis.

-          - Accepting an invite, and phoning to cancel at the last moment.

-          - No response at all to an invite.

-          - Not prepared at all for guests that have been invited.

-          - Only starting to make food when the guests arrive, and spending the whole time in the kitchen while they are there.

-          - It is always somebody else’s fault!

-          - When confronted about passive aggressive behaviour the person does not own up to it.

It is usually very subtle, and only after a number of occurrences do you actually start to realise that something more is at play!

It is strange that passive aggressives do these things out of a deep sense of unworthiness, but the more they exhibited this kind of behaviour, the more people withdraw from them...

The unfather who died the previous week also paid his maintenance late every month, and his ex-wife had to stress while waiting on him... The final passive aggressive act! The maintenance money was not paid, the school fees and forms for next year was not sorted as he had promised... We hope that his will was sorted before he died! 

What legacy is he leaving behind?

It is violence. Violence against your own family members when you try to leverage relationships by being passive aggressive!

About fathers and unfathers

A father died very unexpectedly last Saturday.


He left behind three children from a previous marriage that now has to go on in life without his presence…

(Stuff like this really happens!)

No matter what the circumstances at the time, it will leave a mark…

It made me think about another father who has written himself out of his daughter’s life. Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

The questions that needs to be asked:

• Would it made a positive impact in her life when she reconnects with him again?
• Would she be less scared of him this time around?
• Would she be able to not tippy-toe around him when she is with him?
• Would she be able to do her own teenage and student things when she is with him, or will he still demand 24/7 attention?
• Did he change his behaviour?
• Did he go for anger management counseling?\
• Does he work?
• Does he contribute financially towards his new family?
• Does he contribute financially to help her with her studies?
• Did the emotional manipulation come to an end?
• Would the daily conversation be about a future of possibilities – for her and more in general?
• Would I feel that she is going into a safe environment?

I cannot answer “yes” on any of these questions!

(The unfather does not understand that it is in the power of his hands to change! No, it is always somebody else who is to blame!)

The question: Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

No, and No again!

(Picture: Microsoft clip art)

Three things that I do not forgive!

Ever! I slot it all under the heading of domestic violence!

(I am aware that women can also be guilty...)

• Cheating on your wife

When you overstep the boundaries of the promise you made to each other, you violate the relationships with your wife AND your children.
Even though you patch it up again, the relationship will never be the same again...

• Treating your wife badly, especially when she needs you the most!

The whole range of domestic violence comes to play here – emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, threats, violence, discolouring the atmosphere as soon as you walk in the door, not helping with the kids...

• Not contributing financially towards your own children!

I have written about this before: Time for the soapbox - financial responsibilities.

 
I do not forgive you and I do not like you!
(I am black-and-white like that)

We don’t have to be quiet about domestic violence!
It is not acceptable! Never!
We should not let the perpetrators get away with it by being hush-hush!



This is it, from Powerwoman for today!

Depression – I feel sorry for the people living with the depressed

When I hear or see that somebody is depressed, my sympathy lies with the people living with that person!  Because I was in a similar situation eons ago, in a previous life...

I by no means want to lessen the feelings or the validity of the depressed! I believe depression to be one of the most life-sucking diseases there is!

The fact is that the people surrounding that person cannot do much to ease the suffering of the person. They cannot lift him up. They cannot kick him into his senses! They cannot tell him to shake it off! They are totally helpless! It is a depressing situation to be in! For the people surrounding that person!

The depressed person goes into a vortex of black hopelessness. If you are not careful, you get sucked into it as well!

I remember feeling as hopeless as the depression! I was becoming depressed myself. I went to a psychologist to ask how to handle the situation. She suggested medication, but I felt that it did not address the problem, but the symptoms of the problem...

The only other option she gave me was to run on a treadmill to get rid of my anger. Anger - that was what my emotions turned into! Anger that could not be vented! Because poor little depressed person! He cannot deal with it! He cannot work because of it! He cannot be blamed! Because it is the Depression!

You can imagine my feelings about “Depression”! Insert a couple of expletives here!!

I remember running and running on that treadmill! Somehow it did not work! The depression and all of it symptoms stuck with us!

In the end I had to get rid of the “problem”.  I had to change “my” life! I could not change somebody else’s life! I had to get out of the situation! I had to save “me”!

That’s why I still feel much more sympathy towards the people impacted by the depressed person!


But I have the utmost of respect for the depressed person who works with his depression, and who wants to get better! The person who do not want to stay in the dark cauldrons of his mind, but who reach out for help!
It is one of the hardest things to do!  To work with self! I salute you!

(Photo: Montecasino Bird Gardens)

The evening WHINE

We don’t see that much of the famous toddler tantrum anymore, but something a bit more nerve-wracking has taken its place. The Whine! It is a refinement on the throw-on-the-floor tantrum!

Especially the evening whine! The worst of the worst kind of psychological manipulation.

“Anything, please tell us what you want! We will give it to you! Just stop the whining! Anything!” (Yes, sometimes we do!)

The Toddler is tired! She knows what she wants!

This! No, this! No matter what! Nothing is quite to her wants or specifications! And when something falls on the floor, it is total whine-mode! (I have even seen her drop the stuff on purpose... What's up with that?) Even if we tell her to just pick it up...

She does not let up!

It does not help when we are as tired as she is...

It is not the screeching tantrum that Lisa at Lady RubyRay is talking about, but it is relentless...

Please send a whole bucket of patience! 
What do you do with the whine?



Related post:
How to survive the terrible tantrum

Taking back the power by speaking out

Time for the soapbox again. There is nothing that upsets me more than a house where there is domestic violence. It can take so many forms, but you know in your heart something is wrong when you are scared going back to your own home! When there is somebody that makes you being afraid for your own and your children’s welfare.

Two bloggers have spoken out his week. Kristin at Wanderlust in Australia found herself in such a situation that she was frozen into silence for two months. But she decided to speak out, because she realized that by keeping quiet she is relinquishing her own power. Her family have been subjected to real physical violence, and they haven’t seen her husband since...  She writes a very powerful post about domestic violence and her realization that it is all about being in control.

Closer to home Melany at SuperMom also spoke about her fear for her son being targeted by emotional abuse... 

It is very upsetting to hear such stories!  It also touches me deeply because I was in such a situation in my previous life! Someone controlling your whole life! Someone who demands that the world revolves around himself. But he does not take responsibility for his actions/inactions on the rest of the family. When he realizes he is losing control, and trying to keep it by threatening your existence... More than ten years later and I still get the jitters when thinking about it. Especially when my own daughter is too afraid to even ask her own Dad for a signature... Even today it makes me very angry!

I am proud of mothers/women standing up by speaking out, saying “Enough!”

Soap box tirades

Emotional abuse is not on! I think it is the worst kind of abuse! Because you can’t show the wounds! I have been stewing now for days with a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It was part of my previous life, and today I go into full battle mode when there is even the slightest breeze of emotional manipulation in the air!
Why do we keep quiet when we are caught up in the game? Do we need to play out the drama until we finally realize that it is not on? Or are we too proud or too ashamed to admit we are not being treated as we should be? I think that has been my reason for putting up with it for so long! Ten years, but ten years has passed since then as well. (Wow! It shows my age.) When I hear of a friend who has been subjected to it as well, I am amazed at how much the modus operandi shows similarities.
Partners that tell you and make you feel crap, AND tell you that you’re thinking are wrong. Partners who do not do their share, but make you feel guilty when you try to hold everything together. Partners who prevent you from being with your friends and family and wants to have 100% of you all of the time…
Enough of the bad stories! I am kicking the soap box back underneath the bed. Powerwoman do not dwell on the past for too long. Everybody has to make their own decisions about how long they want to play in their dramas! Thank goodness for friends and family who help you through the bad times! (I support you too, friend!)
Now my drama is about babies and dogs and teenagers and trying to cope with being a working mother and wife! Peanuts for Powerwoman! (Wink-wink, smile)
I wonder what type of dramas we keep playing that we could have stopped long ago?

10-year Celebrations

I was reading Yvonne’s blog, about her husband’s infidelity and divorce, when the realization hit me that it’s been 10 years for me as well. On the 29th of August 1999 I walked out of our house with just a few of me and my daughter’s belongings. I was walking out of a marriage where emotional manipulation of a husband who was not working was part of the daily routine. It was a scary time with X (cancelled one) threatening to kill us, and me having to get interdicts against him. We had to hide, and I had to make sure my daughter was safe. Two weeks later when I went to fetch my stuff, X prevented me from taking it. At that stage it was very traumatic to lose everything, but later on I could describe it as one of the most liberating things of my life.
Today it’s 10 years later, and it feels to me as if I am telling stories about a previous life, one from which I reincarnated from.
I remember putting a smile on my face whenever the X came into the room. I was not feeling like smiling at that stage, because usually we were financially cash-strapped with X not working, but I did not want to provoke him. X also showed me his gun after he had put on a silencer. Why do you put a silencer on a gun when you want to shoot at thieves? X also demanded 100% undivided attention, and complained when I watched television or did the washing. I coped by getting into a mode of asking X if I could do the washing or whatever. And in the meantime X was at home, but not contributing financially or doing anything about the daily chores. The things you do for peace…
My daughter came to the same conclusion last year that she did not want to see X as well. It was after X grabbed his current wife by the neck in a fight. I heard in counseling that she also had to ask her dad for permission to go to the toilet or to do her homework. She was on edge the whole time to please X, and he also demanded her undivided attention. She even got a hiding – at 15 years of age - just after she had her appendix taken out for not giving X attention. (X told her that was the reason).

And now, I am married to a wonderful husband, who is working and doing his share at home as well. The ultimate 21st century man! We have been married for 5 years already, we have a beautiful baby daughter together and we have a teenage daughter which brings us great joy! Now my only trials and tribulations are contributed to not sleeping because of the baby, and trying to cope with the loss of grey matter (Brain bubble).
Just now, I had to go and order a new company card. Between last night when I left the building with the card, and this morning when I was responsible for a car queue in the parking area, I had lost the card. And the card was supposed to stay in the car. The mind boggles what I could have done with it…