I wore black, and I will be doing it again

I know it doesn't help the people who have died, and the people who have been raped...
But I wore black last Friday!
Powerwoman on her soapbox again!

I believe that it does not really help marching against something, and that it actually just keep on focusing on the negative! Mother Theresa also said that she would always march for peace, but not against violence.

But I wore black in solidarity with everybody who thought and pleaded and shouted against the senseless murders and the senseless rapes of women. Women who most recently got a face through Reeva Steenkamp and Anene Booysen.

Sometimes we need to speak out against something! Something that is not right! Something that is not working in our society!
How can we stand by and only watch when these things are happening?

Some of us are "luckier"or "smarter", and we think we won't be confronted with it.
I was one of them!

I did not know when I got married that I would be afraid in my own home...
That I would put up a fake smile because I was shown a gun with a silencer...
That I would go in hiding because I was afraid of my life and the life of my child...
That I had to tip-toe around my own words, afraid that the wrong word could trigger a violent verbal outburst that would explode...

That's why I am an advocate for initiatives like Speak Out.

There are reasons why you should not stay, and the earlier you acknowledge them and make a decision to not put up with unacceptable behaviour, the better for all!

We are all stronger than we think we are! We can say no! We can walk out! We can stand up, and we can speak out!

We can only make a difference in our own lives, and the lives of those we touch, but one step at a time!
We can do better than this!

We can show our children there are better ways!
Our girls should not tolerate abusive behaviour from their partners.
Our boys should not be shown the way to handle life is with guns and violence!

The only way is by living the way we want to see the world!
We cannot stay in an abusive relationship, and then try teaching our daughters differently!
We cannot keep guns, and live aggressively, and not show compassion. And then think our boys will do it differently!

It starts with us...

Bum up and go the same as dealing with DV

I do not get bored with status updates about how many kilometres you have done, or how many press-ups you have done.

I get insanely, green, dark-green, purple jealous!!!

Because I know how pleased you are and should be about yourself!
And how much good you have packed into that exercise.

Meanwhile, back at the Bum in the chair, I am Slump-Sister!
And not feeling good at all about myself!

It struck me today that not exercising is the same as being stuck in domestic violence.

You are the only person that can change the situation!

- You can complain until your hair falls out and your toes turn orange. It will not change the situation.

- You can feel sorry for yourself. You can cry. It will not change the situation.

- You can tell the priest, the psychologist, your family and friends about your bum deal. It will not change the situation!

- You can stay! It will not change the situation!

How to deal with domestic violence:

- You need to make the ultimatums!
- You have to act if things does not change.
- You have to get out of there! 

Of course it is not easy, but is it possible.
Staying there is also a decision!

-------

So, I lifted my bum today:

20 minutes of rolling hills on level 3 gave me 7 kilometres.
100 arm exercises (don't know what you call it), and 30 sit-ups!

Better than staying on my chair during lunch-time!

Blog directory of healing through storytelling

Kristin Brumm over at Wanderlust is busy compiling a directory of blogs that addresses issues of struggle and trauma.
It is a directory of blogs by people healing through sharing their stories through blogging.

I have written before about her haunting of words as she deals with her own struggle through writing, after a divorce and domestic violence led to the discovery of child pornography in her home, and the subsequent fleeing of her family home to keep her children safe.

Healing through storytelling - Blog Directory

The issues that are being addressed:
- Addiction
- Grief and loss
- General Medical
- Mental Health
- Trauma and abuse

The compilation of these was inspired by the following post:
The healing power of storytelling.

I still sometimes get out my soapbox to raise issues with regards domestic violence, emotional abuse and unfathers, but it is so much part of previous life, that I feel as if it happened to somebody else...

Time and change do make a difference!

I wish I had something like this to consult when I had to go through tough times, but it is nice to know that these are available.

It is always good to know that you are not alone!
Somebody else has dealt with the same issues already!

If you know of  any blogs that can add to this directory, please notify Kristin so that she can add it to the list!

Thanks Kristin!

The haunting of words

Today, as in most other days, I have been thinking about a "brave" woman who has had to go in hiding for the safety of her children.
"Brave" because she doesn't have another option but to be brave!

And she has been writing!
Haunting words of beauty and of shock and of finding herself!

Of having to go through a series of excisions, of being a dead woman, and being silenced.
But she found her voice again, even going to the media to tell her story.

A story of finding violence in her own home. A story of finding that her partner was not the person she thought he was. A story from violence to healing.

I am just appalled that a person who threatens the safety of his wife and children are allowed to walk free in the streets. Even two years after the violence and the 18000 pornographic images have been discovered on his computer. The divorce had gone through in the meantime and joint custody has been awarded to them.

She had to take her children and run...

This is not a third world country we are talking about. It is in America. Where the laws and the justice system are supposed to be better?

You can read her ongoing story on Wanderlust!

Thinking of you, Kristin!

Also with the knowing that there are so many woman without a voice, who have been fighting on their own for the safety of their precious children..

Reasons why you should not stay

It is time to Speak Out #SpeakOut

I have committed to take part in the worldwide Speak Out campaign organized by Kirstin at Wanderlust_Lust.

Speak Out is an "event is to bring awareness to the cause and encourage victims of domestic violence to speak out and seek help"

Domestic violence  is a "silent" type of violence. To the outside world it is not always visible.
The victims sometimes believe the abuser that they had a part in their abuser acting out on his frustration.... They also feel ashamed to admit that the situation is a situation of domestic violence.

In a previous life I was in an emotional abusive situation where it took me very long to realize that I could not change the situation or the person. I could only  change myself, and save us from having to live in an emotional roller coaster that went nowhere but down...

I came to the realization that a person very seldom change, and 99% of the time it is not worth to try and stay in a situation that is not healthy or safe for you and the children.
I now advise anyone to get out sooner rather than later. The violence escalates, and your safety gets more precarious with time...

Reasons why you should not stay:

- You are worth more than he has made you come to believe!
- You owe it to yourself and your children to be happy. (If one person affects the emotional and physical well-being of the other people around him in a negative way, does it make sense to stay with him?)
- Your children are entitled to be happy!
- You and your children should be able to feel safe in your own home. 
- You owe it to your children to show them that this is not acceptable behaviour!
- You should not have to tippy-toe around a person!
- You are entitled to peace in your own home.
- You should not have to feel unworthy/unloved/incapable/diminished in your role as wife, mother and partner.
- It is definitely not your fault! (If you are made to believe it is, it is time to re-evaluate your situation!)
- Next time is worse than the previous incident! (Get out!)
- The "sorry" is not reflected in behaviour, or only for a very short period!
- When there is always somebody to blame, and responsibility for own bad behaviour is not acknowledged!
- You want to stay alive! You want your children to stay alive!
- You should not become and feel depressed because of another person and his actions.
- When you find that your future looks bleak with this person!

Get out! Get out! Get out!


Please do not feel that you have made you bed and you have to lie in it!

You have the power to say no, to speak out about it, and to get out of there!
Your family and your friends and people around you will help you!
There are many organizations who will help you!

Reach out and get out! Domestic violence is not acceptable!

Thanks to Kristin who has organized #SpeakOut.
She has put up a linky with all the powerful posts from around the world.
She has included links when you are in an abusive relationship right now.

Do you have more reasons why she should not stay?

Passive Aggressive is another kind of violence

WordItOut word cloud: Passive Aggressive behaviour

Definition:

"Put simply passive aggressive behaviour is silent aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.
A passive aggressive individual doesn't always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". – Counselling Directory

Examples that I have experienced:

            -   “Forgetting” to pass on an invite.
- Saying that you will do something and not doing it.

-          - Not paying on time.

-          - Coming late on a regular basis.

-          - Accepting an invite, and phoning to cancel at the last moment.

-          - No response at all to an invite.

-          - Not prepared at all for guests that have been invited.

-          - Only starting to make food when the guests arrive, and spending the whole time in the kitchen while they are there.

-          - It is always somebody else’s fault!

-          - When confronted about passive aggressive behaviour the person does not own up to it.

It is usually very subtle, and only after a number of occurrences do you actually start to realise that something more is at play!

It is strange that passive aggressives do these things out of a deep sense of unworthiness, but the more they exhibited this kind of behaviour, the more people withdraw from them...

The unfather who died the previous week also paid his maintenance late every month, and his ex-wife had to stress while waiting on him... The final passive aggressive act! The maintenance money was not paid, the school fees and forms for next year was not sorted as he had promised... We hope that his will was sorted before he died! 

What legacy is he leaving behind?

It is violence. Violence against your own family members when you try to leverage relationships by being passive aggressive!

About fathers and unfathers

A father died very unexpectedly last Saturday.


He left behind three children from a previous marriage that now has to go on in life without his presence…

(Stuff like this really happens!)

No matter what the circumstances at the time, it will leave a mark…

It made me think about another father who has written himself out of his daughter’s life. Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

The questions that needs to be asked:

• Would it made a positive impact in her life when she reconnects with him again?
• Would she be less scared of him this time around?
• Would she be able to not tippy-toe around him when she is with him?
• Would she be able to do her own teenage and student things when she is with him, or will he still demand 24/7 attention?
• Did he change his behaviour?
• Did he go for anger management counseling?\
• Does he work?
• Does he contribute financially towards his new family?
• Does he contribute financially to help her with her studies?
• Did the emotional manipulation come to an end?
• Would the daily conversation be about a future of possibilities – for her and more in general?
• Would I feel that she is going into a safe environment?

I cannot answer “yes” on any of these questions!

(The unfather does not understand that it is in the power of his hands to change! No, it is always somebody else who is to blame!)

The question: Would she feel guilty when her father dies unexpectedly?

No, and No again!

(Picture: Microsoft clip art)

Three things that I do not forgive!

Ever! I slot it all under the heading of domestic violence!

(I am aware that women can also be guilty...)

• Cheating on your wife

When you overstep the boundaries of the promise you made to each other, you violate the relationships with your wife AND your children.
Even though you patch it up again, the relationship will never be the same again...

• Treating your wife badly, especially when she needs you the most!

The whole range of domestic violence comes to play here – emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, neglect, threats, violence, discolouring the atmosphere as soon as you walk in the door, not helping with the kids...

• Not contributing financially towards your own children!

I have written about this before: Time for the soapbox - financial responsibilities.

 
I do not forgive you and I do not like you!
(I am black-and-white like that)

We don’t have to be quiet about domestic violence!
It is not acceptable! Never!
We should not let the perpetrators get away with it by being hush-hush!



This is it, from Powerwoman for today!

Taking back the power by speaking out

Time for the soapbox again. There is nothing that upsets me more than a house where there is domestic violence. It can take so many forms, but you know in your heart something is wrong when you are scared going back to your own home! When there is somebody that makes you being afraid for your own and your children’s welfare.

Two bloggers have spoken out his week. Kristin at Wanderlust in Australia found herself in such a situation that she was frozen into silence for two months. But she decided to speak out, because she realized that by keeping quiet she is relinquishing her own power. Her family have been subjected to real physical violence, and they haven’t seen her husband since...  She writes a very powerful post about domestic violence and her realization that it is all about being in control.

Closer to home Melany at SuperMom also spoke about her fear for her son being targeted by emotional abuse... 

It is very upsetting to hear such stories!  It also touches me deeply because I was in such a situation in my previous life! Someone controlling your whole life! Someone who demands that the world revolves around himself. But he does not take responsibility for his actions/inactions on the rest of the family. When he realizes he is losing control, and trying to keep it by threatening your existence... More than ten years later and I still get the jitters when thinking about it. Especially when my own daughter is too afraid to even ask her own Dad for a signature... Even today it makes me very angry!

I am proud of mothers/women standing up by speaking out, saying “Enough!”

Powerwoman on her soapbox again

A work colleague, Paulette Tshiredo, whom I unfortunately only knew from her sunny face in the corridors, has died recently because of domestic violence. Very very sad!! It happened last week at the start of 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children.
I hate this word “Against”. It gives energy to whatever comes after the word, and makes it persists. Therefore I will not say it again!
I know of so many women who found themselves in a position where their power are taken from them, or chiselled away. Sometimes we do not know what to call it, or we do not know how to get out of it. I also found myself stuck in such a situation.
To feel that you are not being treated as you should be or that you know this is not how it is supposed to be in a relationship…
That’s why I have an X (the cancelled one). I came to the realization that the only one who can do something about my situation was I. Which I did with lots of willing help from my family and friends! My daughter has also drawn the line, and I am proud of her for taking a stand!
We MAY say we will not allow a certain type of behaviour, and we are responsible for how people treat us!
I vote for a 16 Days of Activism for Peace and Empowerment to Women and Children! Who votes with me?

Soap box tirades

Emotional abuse is not on! I think it is the worst kind of abuse! Because you can’t show the wounds! I have been stewing now for days with a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It was part of my previous life, and today I go into full battle mode when there is even the slightest breeze of emotional manipulation in the air!
Why do we keep quiet when we are caught up in the game? Do we need to play out the drama until we finally realize that it is not on? Or are we too proud or too ashamed to admit we are not being treated as we should be? I think that has been my reason for putting up with it for so long! Ten years, but ten years has passed since then as well. (Wow! It shows my age.) When I hear of a friend who has been subjected to it as well, I am amazed at how much the modus operandi shows similarities.
Partners that tell you and make you feel crap, AND tell you that you’re thinking are wrong. Partners who do not do their share, but make you feel guilty when you try to hold everything together. Partners who prevent you from being with your friends and family and wants to have 100% of you all of the time…
Enough of the bad stories! I am kicking the soap box back underneath the bed. Powerwoman do not dwell on the past for too long. Everybody has to make their own decisions about how long they want to play in their dramas! Thank goodness for friends and family who help you through the bad times! (I support you too, friend!)
Now my drama is about babies and dogs and teenagers and trying to cope with being a working mother and wife! Peanuts for Powerwoman! (Wink-wink, smile)
I wonder what type of dramas we keep playing that we could have stopped long ago?