Monday, 6 September 2010

Dysfunctional Dad

I get the following message on Sunday from the woman married to the teen’s dad (the X – Cancelled One). Powerwoman has been on my soapbox in my head again ever since...

The message (translated):

...this sms I am sending which nobody knows about, but to ask you, no to implore you to ask Arnia to soften her heart towards her dad. I do not expect or ask that she spends weekends or holidays. I also have children and know that at this age they’ve got their own lives. I ask for making contact... coffee, or a restaurant meeting here and there. I know he has made mistakes. But I also know the one thing that kills him and that is not seeing his child. Please, Karen, you are a parent just as I am, and I am sure you can imagine what pain he must go through by not seeing is child. I would not be able to handle it, would you be able to? I could have send Arnia a sms, but I am sending this to you because we are the parents no matter how old they get. Please talk to her, and answer my sms. Thanks.
I did not answer her, and I am not going to. There are so many things at play here. At first glance you would think “Poor Dad!” BUT! There are REASONS why some children do not want to have contact with their dads.

Arnia decided all on her own at age 15 and a half (she is now 17) that she only wants to see her dad when he’s made some changes in his life. A very scared young lady sat at that time next to me, and read out some things that need to change. She came up with her own list. She decided enough was enough after he had his wife by the throat after her night out. She was in tip-toe mode around her dad, and had to make sure she gave him 100% attention, or she got some sort of repercussion! Events when she was being thrown around for “not given attention” (his own words) to him; just a few days after she had her appendectomy. Or having to listen to rants and raves when he had to pick her up when she was out with friends...

She asked that he be her Dad and not her friend. That he goes for anger management counselling, and see a therapist. She asked that he gives her time to be with her friends, and not complain when he as to pick her up. The dad saw it as demands which he is not obliged to fulfil. “Children can’t make demands on parents!” (Yes, they can!)

He has never tried to make things better. Or to change! Everything must come from the other party. It seems as if he is the wronged person, but in reality he has created his own mess. I support my daughter for her decision. The X does not contribute in any way towards his daughter. He and his wife say that money and love has got nothing to do with each other. I disagree! How wonderful to have all the fun and the good times with your children, and not contribute towards the stuff that is needed...

Why should his wife speak on his behalf? Why does he not make an effort and try to make things better? Why does he not start making a monetary contribution towards his daughter?

No, it is still all about HIM, the narcissist!


  1. Oh Yes kids will make demands......since birth they demand! LOL.

  2. Sounds like both of you are making exactly the right decision... still upsetting though, I imagine.

  3. Sounds like both of you are making exactly the right decision. Still, it must be upsetting though, I imagine. Strength and honour!

  4. Sterkte vir almal van julle! Hoop dinge word uitgesorteer.

  5. Oh she (and he) can not just make demands like that! (And I am talking about the parents). You and Arnia are 100% correct in your thinking.

  6. Your poor daughter. How sad that she is in a position of having to be the stronger, more mature one in this situation. You and your daughter are both absolutely right. He is a bully and a narcissist. Sadly, he will probably never come around and be accountable. He has found someone new to push around.

  7. Your daughter sounds SO strong and wise. Good for her for standing up for what is right. As I had posted earlier in another post, I am a late mom (41) with a 22 month old toddler and a 9 year old step-daughter. I find it interesting the similarities. My 9 year old's name is Anya. She went through a similar desire in hoping that she could live with us and not her mom, for a while. We unfortunately did not have the power to help her with that desire since she was so young, but luckily things are better now. I applaud you for helping your daughter to have such wisdom and strength!


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