A coaching session by The Joyful Mother

Sometimes I see something in my browsing travels (maybe it was on Facebook?) and I respond and forget where I got it from...

Having responded to Sigrid Kjeldsen of The Joyful Mother fame was such a blessing. I had to fill in her parenting questionnaire which she is going to use in her new book for 2015.

For that I got a 45 minute coaching session through Skype.
We exhausted all my parenting questions.

I had mostly questions about discipline, tantrums and my own impatience.
Our nearly 6-year old is very headstrong and she can get very angry. I still feel that we are not always handling her melt-downs in the best way.

I took away the following from the session:

The keyword is Loving Leader: 

- What would love do now?
- Where do love go? 

We as parents are in service of our children. It is our job to support them emotionally.
There is no need to understand the emotional outburst, but to make space for it.

- Accept it! There is no reason to resist it!
- Cultivate an energy to create a safe space.
- Only start talking when they have calmed down.
- To ask: how does that make you feel? - To help them feel validated in their emotions.

My energy impact my children's well-being:
"I am the loving leader of my home!"

About patience:

To be centered/feeling grounded.
Focus energy on the present moment!
Connects to inner wisdom/love!

Do not focus on what is not working, but focus on what is working! (We have a choice!)

To become curious!

How can you parent your children to be the best parent for them?
Drop the preconceived ideas of parenting.
Trust my child to show me the way!
Accept what is, and accept my child. (Do not expect them to react the way you would react!)

----------------

Thanks Sigrid!

Thank you Sigrid @TheJoyfulMother for the great coaching session last night! Learnt much about #parenting #lovingleader #energy
— Karen du Toit (@karentoittoit) November 19, 2014

Timeout in Review

Timeout

This week I downloaded  the third disciplining app of  10 iPhone apps that help with discipline, Timeout - Ultimate Discipline Tool.

This is a very simple and easy app to use.

As it is also not the ultimate disciplining route that we want to go, this won't be used very much in our household.

It is only as a very last last last resort!


Steps to use the disciplining app:

1. Select the time that time-out should last. Usually a minute for each year of age of the child. Press the button "Start". (I don't think it should be more than that?)

2. The next screen is the one on top of this post.
The time starts ticking off with the car going forward. The settings can be changed here, and the time added on. (Although, I don't think we should go that route!)

3. As soon as the car reaches the end, and the time has clicked off to 0:00, it goes to the third and final screen on the app.

4. A smiley face with the sound of cheers!


> I think this will help Mom and Dad, more than the children, to keep to the required time-out time, and not to keep the children in suspense.

>> It will help to redirect negative energy. The mere fact that we change the scenery for a few minutes with the help of an app that gives a "cheer" at the end!

>>> 4 minutes (the time I will use for my toddler of 4) is a very long time when you look at it.
It is more than enough time to break the spiralling negativeness.

>>> I paid $0.99 (R7,99) for this, which is very reasonable.


I give this app a rating of  6/10 for the cute car driving forward, and for the cheering when time-out has been completed!



Related post:

10 iPhone apps that help with discipline

KidChart - disciplining app number 2 under investigation

KidChart

I downloaded KidChart, the second of 10 iPhone apps that help with discipline.
I have to download the apps on my iPad, since I don't have an iPhone, but it seems to work just as well!

- KidChart is a very simple and easy app to use on the go!

- As a parent who like a more positive parenting approach, I would only try to focus on the smiley face, but the user could use it both ways.

- I like the fact that you can add behaviours as you go along.

- The app generated a very nice certificate which I like, attached with the specifics in a next view.

- You are able to share the accomplishments via email or Facebook.

- What I don't like is that you only get the wording when you share. Not the attached certificate. It would have given it an extra edge. It would also ensure that other people know where it is coming from. Now you only get an update with no explanation.

- You are also able to link it to DropBox, which helps to keep the accomplishments safe.

- It stores the "certificates" and "warnings" by date so that it is possible to reflect on it later. That gets a thumbs up from me!

I don't think I will use this app that much, but I will let you know in future when I change my mind.

I have send feedback to the developers about including the certificate with more information.

I give this app a rating of 5/10


Related posts:

- 10 iPhone apps that help with discipline

- Caught being Good - List

Caught being Good - List

Caught being Good

Following on last week's post 10 iPhone apps that help with discipline, I am going to look into each app separately.
I want to investigate to see if it's really helpful towards a more positive parenting approach towards discipline.

I have downloaded the Caught being Good app already, and "tested" it for the week.

I realised immediately that it needs a list of "Good" behaviour before we can use this app. I cannot just spin it every time we feel like it. The Toddler also loves the action of spinning, and she would happily press the button to spin continuously...


List of Good Behaviour for a Toddler:

- Allowing adults to talk without interruptions;

- Speaking nicely in the car driving to and from school (no screaming or whining):

- Going to the toilet on her own (including the washing of hands);

- Eating her food on her own (she does not have to finish it, but there must be some indication that she made an effort to tasting everything on her plate);

- Listening to her Teacher;

- Finishing an extra-mural class without asking Mom/Dad to hold her hand (we are looking on);

- Any feedback we get that she has been good!;

- Dressing herself;

- Well-mannered behaviour with friends, for example giving others a turn as well;

- A "Please" and "Thank you" without prompting;

- Saying "Hello" and "Goodbye" to people;

- "Good" age-related behaviour at venues/restaurants/shows - I do not expect the toddler to sit quietly for hours on end.

- Doing some small tasks such as the packing away of her toys.

- Helping out in the house, such as washing of dishes.

Do you have any more ideas for good behaviour?

Caught being Good -
rewards can be added or deleted

I like the fact that we can add rewards as we go along, and that we can change it accordingly.
I also like the fact that we can bank some of the rewards that are not possible to act on immediately, such as going to a movie!

I give this app a rating of  8/10.


Next week I will look at hAPPy family.


Related post:

10 iPhone apps that help with discipline

10 iPhone apps that help with discipline

I was alerted by Maureen Denard of FindaNanny.net about her article on 10  iPhone apps that can be used for disciplining techniques.

As we are still struggling with the Terrible Tantrums, I always welcome positive parenting ideas for handling discipline.

I don't have an iPhone, but the Ipad can be used just as successfully to download the apps.

I haven't tried all the apps yet, but I am looking forward to try out each one of them.

The write-up against each app is by Maureen Denard.

10 iPhone apps that help with discipline:

Positive Parenting Practices – "This $3.99 app is geared towards parents who espouse a more lenient, gentle approach to discipline. Positive Parenting Practices is more than an app detailing disciplinary methods, offering valuable insights into the motivation behind kids’ problem behavior and real-life solutions."

KidChart – "Charts are great tools for tracking kids’ accomplishments, chores and behavior. Unfortunately, they’re also rather difficult to carry in your pocket. That’s where this $0.99 app comes in, putting the power of a full-sized paper chart at your fingertips. KidChart is also an effective way to monitor kids’ daily behavior for later discussion, when cooler heads allow for constructive conversation."

hAPPy Family – "Encouraging positive behavior on the go is easy with this powerful app, which rewards kids with collectible marbles, ocean animals, treasures, insects or candy when they make the right choices."

iGrounded – "Teenagers are notorious for pushing boundaries a bit too far in a bid to assert their burgeoning independence. A game of consequences that you’re able to edit and modify to suit your teen’s individual needs, iGrounded is available in the app store for $0.99."

iReward – "The customizable motivational charts provided by this $4.99 app are designed for use by parents, caregivers and educators to reward good behavior. Traditional rewards, like gold stars, are among the options offered by this simple but powerful application."

Timeout – Ultimate Discipline Tool – "Tracking the length of a timeout to provide kids a visual representation of how long they are sentenced to this punishment is a snap with this application. The app isn’t loaded with extra features, but it does deliver exactly what it promises."

Tymoot – "Designed by a parent for parents, Tymoot is a $0.99 app that helps you create and set timeout timers. However, there’s a bit more to this one than meets the eye due to the Wheel of Discipline feature that allows your children to spin the virtual wheel in order to be “sentenced” to one of eight customizable punishments."

Caught Being Good – "The free CAUGHT BEING GOOD app takes the spinning wheel of chance approach to rewarding kids for undirected good behavior. You can change, add or remove any reward, and also set the probability of a particular one appearing. Surprising your child with an unsought reward for good behavior that you have not requested or directed is an effective method of encouraging her to continue on the right path, even when she doesn’t think you’re there to see her."

Positive Discipline – "Rather than a traditional punishment and rewards systems, the Positive Discipline approach relies upon a motivational system that helps kids to develop strong moral fiber, character and a sense of self-reliance. Encourage a sense of connection with the respectful, encouraging tone that motivates kids to make the right decisions in their daily lives, autonomously."

Rich Kids – Behavior & Reward Contracts for Child Discipline – "This $2.99 app combines positive reinforcement parenting tactics with a method of teaching the fundamentals of financial responsibility that helps kids grow into the well-rounded, well-adjusted adults they were meant to become. Suggested for kids between the ages of three and 15, Rich Kids is an effective tracking and incentive tool."

I think all of these apps need to be tested in your own family environment, with the input from the child. The more buy-in from the child, the more successful it will be. Of course the buy-in should be from the parents as well!

I like the Caught being Good app for being able to customise the rewards and being able to "bank" some of them until possible to complete or buy the reward! I also like the fact that the focus is on catching out being good, and not focusing on the negative!

I will let you know how it works!

The article from Maureen Denard is here: 10 iPhone apps that help with discipline

Positive Parenting - status update as a parenting mantra

Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on WordItOut

 I saw this today at Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook.
This is a status update I want to be reminded of quite frequently.

I want to call it my parenting mantra.


Respect me so I could respect others

Forgive me so I could forgive others

Listen to me so I could listen to others

Do not beat me so I wouldn't beat others

Do not humiliate me so I wouldn't humiliate others

Talk to me so I could talk to others

Do not laugh at me

Do not offend me

Do not ignore me

Love me so I could love

I am learning about life from you

What to do with a strict teacher?

The Toddler is going to get a strict teacher the following year. I was hoping and planning that it would only happen when she was four, but the day care has decided to move her into the strict teacher’s class when she is three.

I am planning to move her to a new day care when it happens...

I have been so happy with the day care this year. I had some issues the previous year, with the Toddler getting hurt, and being in a class with only an assistant teacher.

They started this year in a new class! Only six of them, and I could see that it made a difference in the Toddler’s life. She started to sing and scrabble more at home! (Some more “lights” came on!)

During the holidays they moved her to a new class because it was felt that the six should be more up to date with the rest of the group. The reason is to integrate better next year. The Toddler is now with a group of about 15. She is extremely happy there!

The problem is the strict teacher next year!

From the beginning I said I would not let my child go to her. She screams at the children. She gives them hidings (although it is not allowed!). She has also said some pretty disturbing things to children, such as when we drop them off: “Your mother still loves you very much!” (WTF!)

She has told a friend’s girl that she makes the worst sketches in the world!

The day care owner is aware of this lady’s shortcomings. She told me that she has sent her home on a couple of occasions when she heard her screaming at the children. But she feels that this teacher is very good with keeping to the learning guidelines. She also spends lots of her time helping some of the children to catch up.

My question is: Do I allow my child to be subjected to this lady’s inability to control her own anger, and also her seemingly lack of insight into the child’s psyche? The other questions: Does learning take place in a place of hostility? Or should my child learn to handle different types of authority figures? Is it too soon to subject her to this at the age of three?

While writing this, it seems I have made up my own mind already...

What are your thoughts about strict teachers? Do some children handle it better than others?

Related post:
Day care woes and first report card

Adult tantrums

Now that I see The Tantrum on a fairly regular basis, I realize that there are most lots of adults who did not get a hold on them when they were young!

Don’t we all get the occasional tantrum when we

• “AAARGGG!”-scream

• Throw a book/cup/etc.

• Bang a door/desk/keyboard.

• Go into a raging monologue?

Is it possible to learn how to handle our emotions and to get a grip on that emotional outburst!
Of course, yes!

That’s why we have such a responsibility in the toddler years to teach our children how to handle that overflowing bursts of emotions.

I think that by trying to put a lid on it, we do not deal with it correctly. Putting a lid on it is when we punish the toddlers and prevent them from going through the whole process. Sometimes it is good to let them rage...
We should also try to teach them how to channel it. There are so many great articles available of strategies. Dionna at Code Name Mama wrote a great guest post at Good Goog about parenting strategies which sums it up for me! It is not about disciplining, but about loving and honouring the development phase in which the child finds himself at!

I am of the opinion that if we approach it in this way we will have less Tantrum Queens and Tantrum Kings around us!

What do you think? Do we go into emotional overdrive because we were not allowed to have those tantrums when we were young?




Related post:
How to survive the terrible tantrum

Disciplining the Naughties

I was reading HT’s blog post about her decision to do things differently with her girls from now on – to teach them respect for other people... We sometimes have to back-track, and do things differently with regards to parenting.


I have made a decision that I want to use a different parenting technique with regards to disciplining. The natural or attachment parenting way makes just so much more sense to me now that I am older. I want to reward and focus on the positive, and not punish by hitting or by any physical means.

But the old bad habits seem to seep in if we don’t check them. Whenever Mieka got hurt, I slapped or hit the “guilty” object: “Naughty chair!” She caught on very quickly, and were hitting as well. It is a technique, and it works short term...

“Naughty floor!” Slap-slap!

“Naughty table!” Slap-slap!

Dries remarked that it is actually not very nice, especially when she started to hit us as well!

“Naughty Papa!”

I had to conquer! It does not work when we try to instil a discipline where violence is not part of it, but we are hitting at stuff when it is “Naughty!”

It was not at all difficult to change everything to “Kissing”!

She hits her head: “Poor Mieka, let me kiss the head!”

Kisses showered! And it works magically, every time!

Scary! We have to be very vigilant with regards to our way of doing things. What else do I do “wrong”, or fall back into default mode? Retorical question to self! It needs to be answered every now and again.

What have you caught yourself doing “wrong” with regards to parenting?

How to handle a biting toddler, or not?

The day care told me last week that the toddler bit three of her class mates last week.


Horrors! (Our little angel?)

I immediately felt like I had to apologise. I also tried to find out what sparked the aggression. I know there is a “bully girl” with them. The babies are always crying around her. What about her? Was she not involved? Apparently the “bully girl” is much better now. (What are they saying? Is Mieka the bully now?)

I could only muster: “We have never seen this behaviour at home.” (We haven’t!)

But what do you do?

- Talk to her, telling her nicely that it is not nice to bite her friends. Not likely! She will only look at me with those innocent blue eyes...

- Biting her when she bites you? This is the advice that most people give. I am not comfortable with it at all! (The lesson: I am teaching you: violence with violence!)

- Giving her loads of attention. (Check!)

- Teaching her with positive reinforcements that it is not acceptable behaviour to hurt other people. (Check!) At the moment she still thinks it is funny to hit at us in play, not understanding the impact. This is part of the development level where she is.

- I think it is one of the most important things to learn sympathy and empathy, and it is something to be taught!

Luckily Mieka hasn’t done it again, and thumbs crossed I won’t feel like I have to explain again at the day care.

How do you handle a biting toddler?

Clicker training #8: Crazy, psycho dog got her certificate

The dog completed her clicker training, and got a diploma certificate awarded to her:

“This certifies that
Petite Peu
Has successfully completed

Puppy 2

And is hereby awarded this diploma by

The Eukanuba Puppy School

For extremely gifted pooches”

Yeah, right! ;-)

But I must give credit. I never thought we would be able to get her to do most of the things that we are now able to get her to do with treats.

The teen and the boyfriend took the dog through her last training, while we were watching. The dog was sitting and watching them intently (mostly because she knows there’s food involved – but that’s what it is all about), and did most of the commands very well. She did not respond at all when the teen only had to call out the commands without the hand signal. She gave them a blank look, and that was that... Very funny!

The trainer called her crazy and psycho dog, again.

We will not be going back for the advanced training. It is possible that she would be able to advance from where she is now. But we have had enough, for now! We want our Saturdays back to ourselves. We think we accomplished most what we set out to do. If only to understand our little bit of a dog a little bit better... She is a bit of crazy, but she is our bit of crazy!

I have learnt something about behaviour as well, which can be successfully used for the toddler as well. Catch them doing something well, and reward that. Ignore the rest!

Dog (owners) clicker training

The dog (actually us) got her first clicker training on Saturday. We thought she was unmanageable and it turns out she is very smart! We bought a Miniature Pinscher, but we got more of a Dachshund in the deal. The constant yapping is a good indication of the mix between the two breeds! Unfortunately you cannot give back a dog like you give back faulty equipment, so we are stuck with her. (And we love those big brown eyes too much in any case). But we had to make a plan to make her more pleasant to be around with…
She was spayed as well on Thursday, and when we got her back, she was the pleasurable dog we always wanted. Shame! It must have hurt, but we enjoyed her lying quietly with us on Thursday evening. Arnia even kept her in her room for the night, but by Friday morning she was her bouncy self again. (What other operations can we send her for? Smile)
I am very impressed with the clicker training. After 30 minutes Arnia got her to sit and to lie down. And we are seeing a remarkable change in her behaviour already! Not the all-over-the-place mad dog we were getting fed-up with! The secret is apparently to catch the dog doing the thing you want them to learn. The dog’s bum hits the ground; click-food. Now Petite Peu sits whenever she is around us. The promise of food works every time.
I was contemplating of incorporating the clicker training in my disciplining of Mieka as well. If it works for dogs, it will surely work for kids as well? Rather catch them doing positive things, than focusing on disciplining the negative…

Related post:

The dog

The Shriek!

Alas! I thought we were not going to see it. (Margot called it “the era of the one loud shriek”). But here it is. At nearly one year of age. The baby shrieks for EVERY THING! It is not even the hurt cry anymore. It is the unhappy shrieking when something is not going her way. At this stage she is only contented being carried and showed stuff, or walking with her where she wants to go. The rest of the time we have to be very creative to keep the little mind occupied. The Manipulator wants to have it her way!
The question is: How far do we let her get her way? For the outside observer it looks like THE TANTRUM. Maybe it is the tantrum already? This weekend Dries and I said to each other this is a very difficult stage. Not even the constant crying and being awake of the beginning feels as taxing as this. How long does this last? Or will we get immune to it? Is this the battle to win in the power of the wills?
SHRIEEEEK!!!! We are trying to go with the flow, taking it moment by moment… BUT we are too exhausted (because of a lack of sleep, thanks to baby as well) to jump to every demand.
Sorry, Mieka, my girl, we are not able to follow all your commands! Now is the time you are going to learn about boundaries… It is going to be very difficult on you, but on your parents as well…

Sign language for the baby

I have voiced my concern about Mieka who screams and hits at other babies when they come near her. Tasneem, an occupational therapist, suggested that “some children develop conceptual language faster than they develop language ability “. They get frustrated, and that’s why they start to hit. Some throw tantrums. She suggested we could try sign language. It has made me think that it is worth a try. I googled some of information on the Internet, but I am not sure how to learn the signs to the baby. Last night I tried to learn her about the sign for a ball, holding my hand in a round form, and twisting it. I did not get any response.
Mieka waves at us, and she claps her hands when we sing “Handjies klap” (clap the hands), but we are still trying to teach her how to blow kisses to us. She starts to make the b-r-r-r sound while pulling her hand over her mouth when we blow kisses to her.
Do we create our own sign language, or is there a good site out there which could help me? I am not very creative coming up with signs.

(Another photo by grandfather James on Sunday)

The baby is hitting now

We saw a disturbing thing this weekend. Mieka has learnt a behaviour that we do not know where it is coming from. She starts screaming when another baby touches her or her toys. I asked at the crèche, and apparently she is the one who also starts hitting at the other babies when they come too close. She is apparently also the only one exhibiting this behaviour.
Where did she learn to do something like this? She has never seen such behaviour at home. She does not get upset when we play with her toys. There is also no hitting or slapping involved. It must be something that she learnt at the crèche? Some sort of survival thing between the other babies? There are six of them at the crèche. But we are horrified that we have an eleven month old bully in the making. Or is this the result of the woman at the crèche who has been fired for giving a baby a hiding? Maybe she gave Mieka a hiding as well?
How do we unlearn this behaviour? I did not think that she would start with this sort of thing at such an early age.
Or is she a small Joan of Arc in the making, fighting for her rights? Maybe it is only our perspective on the behaviour – a child should be able to fend for herself? Needless to say, we are really worried…

Photo: Mieka on Sunday (taken by her grandfather James)

Naughty baby

I am still on the subject of punishing babies for naughty behaviour. Babies vs. punish vs. naughty behaviour are not supposed to be mentioned in the same context. Am I wrong? I hate it when somebody asks me: “Is the baby good?” What is that? When do you know that your baby is not good? When they cry? When they do not sleep through the night? When they complain? How else are they going to communicate with us if they can’t voice a concern? But I think that is the main reason why somebody could think that a baby needs discipline. I am talking about the person at Mieka’s day care who gave a baby a hiding. She got herself fired for doing that!
Are we still such a violent society, globally, that we think by punishing somebody with violence, we are teaching them to not behave violently? We are truly warped in our thinking. Religion contributes even more, because there is a punishing God who wants us to behave Or else… eternal punishment with a hell-fire! Does it give us a license to start hitting babies from very young? It seems like it! Very strange…
Mieka is a GOOD baby, thank you very much! I can’t imagine a time when I will classify her as being hit-ready. Maybe it is because I am an older mom, but I will definitely do my discipline differently than when I was younger. What do you think about disciplining babies?