Reconstructed families are not for sissies

Merging new families are a totally different ball-game than only merging two lives. It is not only the two lives, but the lives of children that are being merged into the package deal.

WITH the extra baggage of ex-partners and ex-periences!

Luckily I married a very responsible adult who made it easy for us to work through the pitfalls of a second marriage. I agree that it also was much easier for me having the child, and that he had to make much more of an adjustment...

My husband showed me how it should be done! I am very grateful to him and that he showed my daughter how a husband and father should behave in a marriage.

There are a few things that help when before plunging into an undertaking of this nature:

-    Make sure you agree on how you are going to handle the children.
-    Lots and lots of talk on discipline before the time.
-    It is much easier to leave the discipline to the biological parent.
-    My husband taught me that the non-biological parent needs to get involved 100% as a parent.
-    The original reluctance of the children dissipates when they feel that the other person cares for them, and takes on the role of another parent in the household.
-    Both partners need to be adults.
-    Always show a united front to the children. (Handle your differences away from the children.)
-    Handle all children equally. E.g. when you give money to your own children, also give the same amount to the other children.
-    Love them all!
-    Try not to bad-mouth the ex-partners in front of the children.
-    Try to make sure that the children get a space of their own and feel part (welcome) in the home.
-    Involve all the children in the decision-making when it concerns the whole family.
-    Attend all the functions and award evenings of ALL the children.
-    Love them, even though they are not your own. Love is a verb, and not an emotion! It is a decision!
-    Spend special time with each of them on a regular basis.
-    Enjoy them!


Do you have more tips for a reconstructed family?

Doing the egg-dance – in a reconstructed family

Funny how the same conflicts creep up on us again… And how we get caught up in it, although we try to stay as far from it as far as possible. But is not always possible when you are a mother, and you are implicated by your relationship as a mother. Reconstructed families are not for sissies, I tell you!


(Even Powerwoman sometimes wants to go and hide in the cupboard when the “bombs” explode!)

The teen, who blames it on PMS (that bad bad monthlies), opened her mouth once again. We were all busy with the daily evening chores/bores, and we were all very tired. Mondays are the worst! We are the most exhausted after a lovely lazy weekend, and we struggle to get into the Grind again. (Don’t you find it the same with Mondays as well?)

Hubby had one too many back-chats, and he reacted!

Luckily I am married to an adult. We are able to work through our differences! I do the egg-dance, not trying to take sides. But I DO see both of the viewpoints, and understand where both are coming from. I don’t feel that I am successful with the egg-dance, but I do try… If I say I want to stay out of the conflict, it is also not acceptable…

And I understand – by default I am a mother, and responsible for behaviour of child. (The joys of motherhood! Smile)

Mother-in-the-middle has to talk to the teen, and she has to put up a united front with the Hubby! I have to remind the teen of how much her other Dad is doing for her – he doesn’t complain about driving her around. His pocket is open with regards to her, and he even makes her school lunches for her in the mornings. He treats her as his own daughter! (I’ve got a great Hubby!)

That is much more than she can say about her absent Dad...

I have to agree with Hubby as well that he has to be able to ask the teen to help out. He grounded her for the rest of the month. (Shame!)

I think we are doing it better as time goes on… We can sort out the conflict the same day. With tears! But we can go on and laugh again the same night!

Doing the egg-dance… doing the egg-dance…



Related post:


Reconstructed families and relationships

Reconstructed families and relationships

The diplomacy of relationships in reconstructed families is a minefield of politics. Huh? Too much of a mouth full, but that’s what we are dealing with in the combination of new family units. Divorced parents with your kids and my kids and our kids. Recipes for conflict situations…
In our situation it is only my kid, and our kid, but it is still… I should call it, ultimately difficult!
There was an altercation between the teen and her stepdad (we never call him that, he is Pa Dries – something which Arnia herself decided to call him a year ago). The teen got upset about a small little word “Please” which was not used. And then it exploded. I usually try to stay out of the altercations, but sometimes you have to step in for your children. Although I am being called “undermining”, I feel that I can’t leave her to fend for herself.
A big star goes to Dries for being the adult and sometimes saying sorry when it is needed.
I was thinking that in reconstructed families you learn more about respect for each other, and taking each other’s feelings into account. It is something which would not always automatically happen in normal families (if there is such a thing as normal). We have to be more diplomatic towards each other. Not a bad thing for a child to learn when they are growing up.
The question is: How far do you let it go as a parent when the other parent tries to discipline the children in a manner that is alien to your own way of discipline? I have read that the other parent is supposed to leave the discipline to the biological parent. I think it has got some merit, but I also like the idea of a united front which the parents should have. What do you think about discipline in reconstructed families?

Inspiring: Lauren de Swardt of Kids Emporium

Lauren de Swardt of Kids Emporium

I always love hearing stories of success and entrepreneurial spirit. Of course it is even greater when it is a woman who started her nationwide Kids Emporium when she was only 22.  This was 13 years ago. Kids Emporium has also launched their online store this year, as well as opened up an international store in Surrey in the UK.

Emoyeni Estate

I was invited to a bloggers’ breakfast in the beginning of July at the lovely Emoyeni Estate, and was struck by this quote:

“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers and the believers and thinkers but most of all surround yourself with those who see greatness within you” – Kids Emporium

This is exactly what Lauren de Swardt has has done with her business. She was looking for the best in products when she was pregnant, and to cater for the little ones when they got older. She has sourced the best products, brands and people through the years to make Kids Emporium the sought-after go-to place for pregnant women and parents.

Kids Emporium combines the practical for easier parenting, but also includes the “style” factor being pregnant and raising children.

Lauren de Swardt

The Kids Emporium website makes me wish for a do-over! (Not really! ;-) There is enough pregnant moms I can spoil, and one day in the distant future I will become a grandmother! (Not soon, though!)
In the meantime the maternity wear, the childrenswear, the travel systems, furniture, décor, toys and gifts are drool-worthy!

I love that Lauren has a reconstructed family of four which she manages to juggle with being a successful business woman as well!
Inspirational! She makes it look easy!

 

Thanks Lauren and Kids Emporium!
It was a treat!

Happy belated birthday, Dear Blog!

I passed the four year Blogoversary mark of this blog, without even giving it a thought!
It was on the 13th of August already!

Happy belated birthday, Dear Blog! You have brought me so much joy!

In blogging years this blog is aged, but it keeps on going...
I am not yet ready to let it go, especially since we have a Little Missy keeping us on our toes with all her sayings and doings.

I also have so much to learn about the ages and the phases that they are going through.
Although we have The Student, and we are supposed to have some Experience or Parenting skills, but we can't fall back on it!
Parenting and children and The Times they are a-changing, all the time!
And we forget so very easily...
And no children are the same!
We can't say that we know how to raise a little one.
It does not come naturally or instinctively!

I get a lot of feedback and wise words and information in the blogosphere! I would not have learnt so much had it not been for this little blog.
Thank you, Dear Blog!

I started as a mom blogging, and I am still on my quest for juggling being a mom, working full-time, trying to continue with my studies, and finding balance at home with a reconstructed family.
One day we will get there!


I am surprised at some of the posts that reached all-time highest stats:

1. Mountain climbing at the Botanical Gardens

2. 5 Tips on how to survive Stork Parties

3. Infant dyschezia translates into not sleeping

4. Tips picked up while camping with the toddler

5. Stuff you allow your toddler to do


Blogging on!

(Photo: Patrick Pretorius)

Life is good! Award

Actually, life IS very good! Especially when you get passed on a “Life is good award”. Thank you very much, WarsawMommy! Even more sunshine for this time of the year!

The questions that accompany this award: (Of course, there is something you have to do! That’s why it’s taken me a week to put up the award and write the post!)

What do you do when you’re bored?

What’s that! Moms don’t know what it means “being bored”! I would love to be bored (to death)! If it would come to pass, I would just sit and enjoy it… OR, read!

Are you an autumn, or a spring?

Autumn. But spring at heart. ;-)

Quick! You’re stuck at an airport for hours, and the only options are crossword puzzle, or an old novel nobody’s ever heard of. Which would you pick?

Being bored! Fabulous! Then the novel.

Jane Austen or Emily Bronte?

Jane Austen.

Do you feel prepared for the five other questions coming your way?

I should have been prepared?

Who’s your hero?

Superman!

In real life – every one of us!

Favourite word?

“Toddler” (I am one-track minded at the moment. Before “toddler” it was “baby”.)

Are you one of those “checklist” people, or are you a “wing it and hope everything goes well” sort of person?

Checklist person. I cannot function without my diary.

What phrase has stuck with you in your life?

‘We are all one.”

If you were to choose between coffee and tea . . . which would you go with?

Coffee! (Even though I know that I must switch to herbal teas for my own health!)

I have to pass this award on to six more people:

1. Cat at Juggling Act of Life. She has a daughter and fraternal twin boys. It sounds very hectic to me! But she takes it all in her stride…
2. Shayne at [Time-Out]. Unfortunately she has gone private with her blog. I enjoy her beautiful photos of her most recent achievements in the kitchen. It sounds divine every time! (I am in awe of everyone who can bake, and who seems to enjoy it while doing it!) I also love her “count-my-blessings” type of posts, or “things I realised”.
3. Yvonne with 2412towers and the funny twisted story of her divorce, and subsequent reconstructed family after a new marriage. It’s a laugh with a tear!
4. Rock Mom at Snuggle Buggle Rock Mom. Love the way she talks about her “shrimp”; of being a single mom; and being so candid about her life.
5. I’m so not a blogger struggles sometimes with the blues, and we get a peek into that side of her personality. Love it that she shares her feelings. The photos are always very beautiful!
6. Simply-Mel. Very candid about her life with kids and her weight loss. Which she actually accomplished quite well!

They make me realize that we are all struggling with the same mundane daily grind, but that LIFE IS GOOD, never mind the small stuff!
Keep going, Life bloggers! :D