The first bleep

Mieka at 8 weeks

The heartbeat is the sound of a horse galloping very fast! That’s what it sounded like when we first heard it at the gyne’s offices. The first ultrasound scan at 8 weeks. That was in May 2008.


It was the most wonderful sound in the whole wide world!

We had lost a baby only four months back. We had a check-up at eleven weeks, and the little dot did not move or bleep! It was the most horrifying deafening sound of all! Nothing!

So you can imagine our apprehension when we sat again in the doctor’s offices… Saying to each other that we would not want to go through this again if there was something wrong… It was too stressful and painful!

That bleep is by far the most beautiful sound in the whole wide world. I heard the sob from my husband as I was wiping the tears from my eyes!

We also could not relax this time around until I heard the confirmation over the telephone at 18 weeks…

The amniocentesis test showed a perfectly healthy baby girl! Joy! Your father said his only thought was of you being perfectly healthy. (He was in a business meeting at the time.) It was only later that it struck him that I said a “girl”! He had to phone me back to confirm!

We were so excited to hear that all was well! I am sure that we wouldn’t have parted with you in any case. Even if they told us that something was wrong! I started to feel you kicking at 14 weeks, and I knew right from the start that you were a girl! You were part of the family already…

Today, we are still excited about you being in our lives!

Thanks for choosing us as your family!

You are our perfect little girl!

Mieka with Arnia

New Fountain

I found this on my computer. I was just commenting last week on the thorn tree in our garden, and how it reminds me of new beginnings and the rhythm of life. We went through a very traumatic experience, but now we have Mieka to celebrate life with. Her name in Japanese translates to “new fountain”.

Ode to the unborn baby
4-2-2008
You could have been 14 weeks already. A unique human being was becoming our son. But on the 4th of January 2008 you were dead already. No life. You were only a very small peanut on the sonar screen.
It is one of the toughest things that ever happened to me, and it seems like it is something to shy away from. Very few people ask you how you are feeling, and even less people make a commentary about your precious life!
You had life. We had a new life in our midst, and we were starting to live a new life with you in mind.
I feel guilty to have felt those negative emotions in the beginning. We were not really ready for a new life. Would we ever be ready?
I feel guilty for having sensed your maleness and for feeling negative to bring someone into the world which I do not understand.
But I miss you! Intently!
We have continued with our lives. I have taken only two days from work, and even felt guilty about taking the time.
But I miss you the whole time: In the morning when I get up, and I feel my empty belly. My breasts that have returned to normal; it aches for you. During the day, at work, I think of you constantly. I do continuous searches on the Internet. To try and understand what could have gone wrong. Where did we lose you?
No! No, I am not coping well! You may think that! I am smiling, but it does not reach my heart.
I miss you!!!

Summertime

How wonderful to enjoy the glorious sunshine. Our garden is growing and it is even showing up with lovely flowers, although not with much help from our side. (Sigh) We have been neglecting it since I got pregnant the first time in October 2007. The bump and tiredness first got in the way, and now Mieka is getting/demanding all the attention. When I walk past the umbrella thorn tree in the corner in our garden, it is with a sense of sweet remembrance. We bought the tree a day after we discovered that the baby did not grow, and I miscarried. I still think it was a boy. It was sad and traumatic at the time. But now we have Mieka, our beautiful baby girl of 8 months, and we are feeling very fortunate. Strange how things begin and end, and sometimes the endings feel too hard to handle. But after a while we realize we are laughing and smiling again. It was winter and now it is summer again… Thank you, Universe!