5 Things you would not have experienced without being a parent

Being a parent is one of the most difficult things in life!

Who knew that the older you get, the less you think you know anything about this parenting journey? I even have a claim on a child we successfully managed to raise, but that doesn't guarantee anything! (You would think that I would have the know-how! Not so!)

Raising the Little M has made me realize that each of them comes with a different manual. Some of the manuals are definitely more easier to understand!

As a mom I am always thinking about what I could have done better, or different.

I wanted to compile a random list of some of the parenting woes that comes with being a parent. Who think of this when they start with their parenting journey?


5 Things you did not think about before becoming a parent

- You have to attend school meetings, revues, concerts, parenting evenings as well as hang around the school endlessly waiting for activities to end. Who knew you would go back to school?


- You not only have to get yourself out of the door in the mornings, but the little ones as well. Each successful drop-off at school with children fully clothed, with a packed school bag and a lunch box should get a medal. (How do parents with multiple children manage?) It is an accomplishment, and we should praise ourselves more for just doing this!

- You worry constantly about your child when they have no friends, and also when they have friends. What can you do to help them in getting friends? What can you do when the girl politics are making her miserable?

- You are always searching for misplaced stuff that's not yours! In the house. Going back to places. At school. Maybe life is preparing us for our own later years?

- How many times have you longed for that lunch box that got sent to school that comes back intact? Those times that you have emptied your purse at the last minute and you did not make your own lunch? Too many times!


Do you have any other points I can add to this list?

Would I change any of this?
No! But it helps to get it out of the system!

KEEP CALM

A coaching session by The Joyful Mother

Sometimes I see something in my browsing travels (maybe it was on Facebook?) and I respond and forget where I got it from...

Having responded to Sigrid Kjeldsen of The Joyful Mother fame was such a blessing. I had to fill in her parenting questionnaire which she is going to use in her new book for 2015.

For that I got a 45 minute coaching session through Skype.
We exhausted all my parenting questions.

I had mostly questions about discipline, tantrums and my own impatience.
Our nearly 6-year old is very headstrong and she can get very angry. I still feel that we are not always handling her melt-downs in the best way.

I took away the following from the session:

The keyword is Loving Leader: 

- What would love do now?
- Where do love go? 

We as parents are in service of our children. It is our job to support them emotionally.
There is no need to understand the emotional outburst, but to make space for it.

- Accept it! There is no reason to resist it!
- Cultivate an energy to create a safe space.
- Only start talking when they have calmed down.
- To ask: how does that make you feel? - To help them feel validated in their emotions.

My energy impact my children's well-being:
"I am the loving leader of my home!"

About patience:

To be centered/feeling grounded.
Focus energy on the present moment!
Connects to inner wisdom/love!

Do not focus on what is not working, but focus on what is working! (We have a choice!)

To become curious!

How can you parent your children to be the best parent for them?
Drop the preconceived ideas of parenting.
Trust my child to show me the way!
Accept what is, and accept my child. (Do not expect them to react the way you would react!)

----------------

Thanks Sigrid!

Thank you Sigrid @TheJoyfulMother for the great coaching session last night! Learnt much about #parenting #lovingleader #energy
— Karen du Toit (@karentoittoit) November 19, 2014

Trust

Week 4 of the Weekly Parenting Poetry Workshop by Lauren Wayne of Hobo Mama.
The theme of this week is Trust.

Trust 


to let go of you

each day
each milestone

to believe
to know
to be thankful

you are your own person
on your own
                            journey


I am only
                    your guide
                    your mentor
                    your safety net

                    your parent

I will be here
               for you

Little Missy
"A girl bird"
24-3-2013

Top 5 Apps for Busy Moms

I am always checking out new apps and got this guest post suggestion which I am happy to publish. Especially if it states  that it helps "busy moms.
(Although, I think it is an oxymoron! Do we get moms who are not busy?)

I have linked to the iTunes stores, but see most of these apps are avaliable on all devices.


The Top 5 Apps for Busy Moms

Our lives are much busier than they were even 20 years ago, and moms are busier than ever.
Many moms raise kids, work, and run their households, all while trying to live their own lives. Fortunately, cell phones are helpful for anyone with a life on the go. They help people stay connected, and with apps, help people complete their day to day tasks.

Thousands of cell phone apps exist that help people accomplish their goals, and here are the top 5 apps for busy moms like yourself.

The Weather Channel

It is pertinent for a busy mother to be prepared for anything. Every single mom should have the Weather Channel app - this is the perfect app to open up first thing in the morning. It allows you to display the current temperature, as well as the short- and long-term weather forecast. The app also allows you to get the weather forecast from wherever you are. Any busy mom who runs around all day needs to know the weather forecast in order to plan their (hopefully dry) day.

Cozi

This is a wonderful app for anyone who has a lot on their plate, but especially mothers. It's so useful that you may even end up grabbing for this app more often than you need the phone itself! It's great for making to-do lists, setting reminders, shopping lists & also the family calendar - this one is key too, because notice that it's for the family. This is different from most calendars, which are only meant for one person and their appointments.
 
Grocery iQ

This app is GREAT for mothers, especially because it's basically available on every platform you can imagine. It allows you to scan prices of products when shopping so that you can get clued in on what you're getting for your money. Is that cereal a bargain, or simply a crafty way of making it look like you're getting a steal? Find out with this app!
 

Whole Foods Market Recipes

Whole Foods Market Recipes is a terrific app for anyone who wants to enjoy a healthy diet. The best thing about this app is the ability to sort based upon dietary preference. The user can sort for gluten free recipes, high fiber recipes and many other types. Kids are picky too, so luckily this app can make everyone happy, especially a busy mom cooking for many.

Kindle

The Kindle app is a great app for the busy mom. A lot of times moms do not have time to enjoy themselves. With the Kindle app, a mom can read her favorite books while waiting to pick up her kids or in those few precious minutes of alone time. The Kindle app is also great to read recipes, pdf files or magazines. Anyone on the go should look into the Kindle app, and perhaps the best thing about is that if you skip buying hard-copies of books, you have more room for storage and less to clean!

Thousands and thousands of applications exist for all phone platforms. There are also apps for all types of users and preferences. Nobody knows the importance of time management more than a single mom.

These apps will not only save a single mom time, they will also save her money!


Jessie Hughes writes about parenting, working from home and more. Her favourite piece is on the Top 10 iPhone Apps for Teachers.


Do you have any apps that you cannot live without?

Positive Parenting - status update as a parenting mantra

Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on WordItOut

 I saw this today at Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond on Facebook.
This is a status update I want to be reminded of quite frequently.

I want to call it my parenting mantra.


Respect me so I could respect others

Forgive me so I could forgive others

Listen to me so I could listen to others

Do not beat me so I wouldn't beat others

Do not humiliate me so I wouldn't humiliate others

Talk to me so I could talk to others

Do not laugh at me

Do not offend me

Do not ignore me

Love me so I could love

I am learning about life from you

Are we allowed to say our children are cute?

Of course, yes!


I used to get irritated by parents telling me about their kids and how wonderful/cute/clever/funny they are. I would think to myself: they are the parents and they had a hand in it. They are surely just bragging!

Now I know better! We as parents are the ones that are the most amazed at our kids! We can’t believe they are as wonderful/cute/clever/funny as they are. Where did it happen? Not because of us?

Most of the times we are just asking ourselves! Where did she learn this? We had no hand in it! We did not model this behavior!

It surprises us endlessly that we have these amazing human beings within our midst! There is nothing that makes us more boring enlightened talkers than speaking about our kids!

I promise I will listen to all of your cute! children’s stories, because I know now that your children are really really very cute! Because my kid is! ;-)

What do you think? Are we allowed to say our children are cute?

Bad parenting for survival

Do you sometimes retrace your steps at the end of the day and think: “I was a bad parent today! Tomorrow I will have to do better!?”

Days when:

• The Toddler falls asleep in my arms before she had her bath. I should have seen the signs earlier that she was tired and acted accordingly.

• The Toddler had more un-food to eat than the real thing. I realises that she did not have her 10 categories of food groups to eat. (I sometimes get excited about just one of the groups that she eats!)

• I give up about trying cutting her toe nails. The finger nails are already an issue; with lots of screaming. But the toe nails are just murder! I usually leave it for another day...

• I sometimes mostly allow the Toddler to eat a sweet or crisps while we have to run through the shops after I pick her up at day care in the afternoons. She’s hungry. I need to pick up a few things and need to do it at neck-breaking speed! We all know that it influences their eating behaviour on a major scale. (Refer back to point 2)

• We switch on the television or a DVD when we are too tired for running around or amusing The Toddler!

"Bad parent!" (Not even Powerwoman can make this look better!)
Tomorrow I will do better!

Please tell me you get days like these when you try to survive by being a bad less than exemplary parent?
Surviving what? Parenthood, of course!

Just an ordinary mother

About Mommy blogs and the Internet. We know things we did not know we had to know about being mothers and parenting and babies and toddlers. And when we don’t know, we can ask a whole worldwide community of knowledgeable mothers! Mothers have so many choices now.

 I find myself feeling guilty most of the times when I read about all the high aspirations of parenting methods. There are the Authentic Parenting style, the Natural Parents, and the Attachment Parenting websites. Unschooling dot com and Gentle Disciplining. Code Name Mama has even decided not to expose her child to the whole Santa myth, and her arguments are very sane.

Then the guilt tripping sets in. Maybe we should do it another way!? The green parents also make me wish I could be a better greenie!

I try most of the times just to juggle being a mother, and to work as well!

Sometimes we are so tired when we get home, we declare it a McD’s night out. Horrors, yes! We feed our children a McDonald’s hamburger every now and then. I even ask for the toy that comes with the food because I think it is some of the cutest toys ever. Now I hear it encourages bad eating habits... Guilty!

We do Christmas with Santa because we think it is a whole lot of fun! And it cultivates a special family tradition for the little one.

Luckily we also get validation of some of our parenting styles. Sometimes when the baby (now toddler) is more in our bed, I think about all the benefits of co-sleeping and don’t stress about it. The same with spanking which we don’t do – gentle disciplining takes care of that!

The other day I thought to myself that one of my New Year’s resolutions should be that I should relax about my own parenting style. I am an ordinary mother trying to juggle life! I try to aspire to be more mother and parent and working mother, but I give myself permission to just be ordinary. Sometimes I will live up to my aspirations, sometimes not. I love reading and will keep on reading about all those great parenting styles!

Now I am an ordinary working mother. That is totally OKAY for me!

We don’t listen about having babies

Laura at Harassed Mom asks the question why nobody tells new parents about the bad stuff about having babies. I believe we DO know and hear it - all the warnings and jokes about having babies - but we think it can’t be as bad as they say.

And then it is much worse! The not-sleeping! The LIVE-Changing impact on your carefree lifestyle!  The impact on you budget – for at least the next twenty years. The impact on the parents’ relationship with each other... I could go on and on. We all know and experience the list...

But we don’t care at all! Because we look at this wonderful creature in our lives who have come to enrich it, and we can’t imagine our lives without her!

Look at that face while sleeping... Our Angel!

I know there are mothers who struggle with post-natal depression, and dads who feel threatened by the new intruder. I acknowledge that it could be far worse to be in that position.

Luckily with Mieka, the second time around, we did not have to face this.

The first time around I had to deal with a jealous husband (now an X, the canceled one) who demanded that I spend most of my time with him, and not our new-born daughter (now the teen). Luckily she slept through quite soon. I remember I used to think that I could deal with any baby, but it was much worse dealing with him...

But we get through these times much sooner than we think possible. I would not change having two beautiful daughters in my life! It has been the most rewarding experience and the relationships will continue to enrich our lives!

Thank you that we don’t listen to the doomsayers!

Cuddle at bedtime or cry-it-out babies

The latest research published about babies and sleep has again made me aware that we have been doing it right! Huge sigh of relief! We have not been doing the crying method with regards to sleep. When Mieka cries, we attend to her. We stay with her, and I nurse her, until she falls asleep. It feels right! It feels like the humane thing to do! But we (even ourselves who sometimes put the own barrier on our thinking) get feedback, even when she was very small, that you should let them cry, or not get used to your arms. Or you will have a spoilt baby…


That standard question that you get asked, especially when they are small little babies: “Is she a good baby?” As opposed to “Naughty”? What is that? Because they are more awake, and demand more of your attention, then the assumption is that she is naughty? And when you are sleep-deprived because of nightly wakings, then you are somehow doing something wrong?

Maybe it is something that goes into default mode. Default mode to parenting styles which was the in-thing when we were growing up. I even made the “mistake”, for the sake of peace in my previous life, to let my first-born cry after she was put down. (The teen has got ONE valid reason already when she blames her parents one day at the psychologist.) I cringe now, but at the time I had to please a jealous husband…

Penn State researcher Douglas Teti “examined the role of emotional availability on infant sleep” by putting in cameras in the bedrooms of babies between one month to 24 months.

He found:

• Regardless of a family’s night-time routine: parents who were responsive and warm had fewer night wakings and an easier time drifting off. It makes the child feel safe and secure!
• Scepticism towards sleep training: 1. it does not work! 2. It affects the parent-child relationship itself.

Now I know why it didn’t feel right to pat the baby, NOT look at her, and leave the room, and let them cry for a while before going back in. Still not making eye-contact! (It’s cruel! – my personal view!)

It gets better! Even though we had a bad night last night where Mieka just would not settle (I blame the five o’clock nap she got in the car), she mostly goes to sleep within 20 minutes when she is healthy.

All this too will pass, and we will definitely miss that small little body throwing her legs across us when lying next to us in bed…

The duality of Teen

Patrick Pretorius Photography

Being 17 is a great number. I sometimes forget that they sit in the middle of not being an adult, but also not being a child. They are in “Middle World”, and they have fall-back/forward to being adult, but also being a child.


I feel sometimes exasperatedly guilty when the fall-back is to child, and I did not do my parent part as I should have. For example: We planned for weeks that I take my afternoon last week on Friday to go and sort out the passport for the teen once and for all. The papers were already in the car, completed! I picked Arnia up at school, and we drove straight to Home Affairs. Only there we realized: Arnia did not bring her passport! Swear-worthy moments!! What can you do? Put the car in reverse, and plan an afternoon for another month…

I am the parent! I should have checked! (Guilty as charged!) Yes, she should have checked as well, and I should have reminded her…

For example as well: She comes back from her hockey game last Saturday burnt as red as a beetroot! I have been preaching her since she was very little to always wear her sunscreen. “I forgot!” She says. She is also now on the very strong acne medication where she is not allowed into the sun at all… Guilty as parent: I should have reminded her!

When do you stop preaching, reminding, checking… and whatever parents do?

But then: She is also very responsible now. She has been working through her vacation, and she is now working over weekends as well. She is focused and saving everything for that French tour next year! That is very adult!

Sometimes there is a light flickering at the end of the tunnel… (Tongue in cheek smile)

Related posts:

The secret lives of teens
The Teen is seventeen
Teen update