The sketch that helped me understand my child

Wendy Bertagnole webinar about difficult sensory behaviour

I have to share this here. There are definitely other parents who also struggle with the same. I wish I had know about this much earlier. I have felt in my gut that there is more to the behaviour, and that it is not a lack of discipline or a lack of respect. The reason for the continuing melt-downs! The better we understand our child, the better she will be able to understand herself. The better we will also be able to work on the skills necessary to handle her world.

Parenting is a series of negotiations about clothes

It happens every single day! The negotiations about clothes!

It helps a bit that she wears school clothes, or we would never have been in time during the school week! It is worse over the weekend when she has a whole cupboard full of clothes to choose from, and she only wants to wear her favourites that are in the wash. The best meltdowns have been about clothes and what to wear!

This morning she wanted to go without shoes, although it was raining and cold. She has eczema underneath her toes, and it is never a good idea to go without shoes, as it gets very dry and itchy when she goes barefoot.

But that does not matter! We have to tell her each morning it is a better idea to wear her shoes! And it needs a LOT of convincing.

Then the jacket. She never wants to wear a jacket, UNTIL she is freezing! Usually when we have arrived at our destination... Or in the shops at the frozen section... That's why the parents have to drag a jacket along every single time!  (Now if we can only remember it every single time!)

She has always been very particular about her clothes. I called her a Princessionista at nearly three years of age, and she still has very specific ideas about clothes!


Do you also struggle daily with negotiations about clothes, or are you lucky with kids that wear the jacket and shoes?

The three most important things to handle a melt-down

It is no secret that Little Miss has really struggled with melt-downs, and we are not out of the woods yet...

Although it is MUCH better!

Her teachers have always said that she is "over-emotional" or most recently that she is a very "sensitive soul". They seem to manage her very well when it gets too much! (So lucky to have such great teachers!) 

We have also learnt to handle it better!

The 3 most important things to handle a melt-down:

1. She is unable to process the situation. She is not naughty! She needs your help and understanding and sympathy! Sit with her when she allows you or calls to you!

2. It is not about you, the adult/parent! She is not trying to defy you! Don't make it about you!

3. Learn her coping mechanisms, but not while the melt-down is in progress. Discuss coping mechanisms such as time-outs/hitting of cushions/screaming. She gets to choose her own coping mechanism for next time!

What coping mechanism can you recommend for that melt-down of tantrum?

Things a little girl gets upset about, or when she's an asshole

Little Miss has been extremely good on the flight to America. We have been preaching her for months about not throwing tantrums in that confined space... 

The in-flight movies and games and Ouma's colouring book helped tremendously! She also slept quite a bit during the 24-hour one-stop trip. (Huge sigh of relief!)

There has been a few episodes here that got her upset: 

- Not getting anything/something in the shops that she wants. (A couple of times! We are working on it!)

- She had to spend her pocket money immediately. It burned her pocket until it was finished! 

- She does not have anything to wear. (Although she packed the biggest selection of outfits!)

- She cannot decide on the shoes she wants to wear! (She is Six, people!)

- She HAD to put her stuff in a handbag, but not the one she has. A plastic shopping bag saved the day!

- She was upset that her sister did not have a "real" party on her birthday! She said Big Sister did not turn 22 after all. Although it was her sister's wish to celebrate at Hard Rock Café in San Antonio and get a special t-shirt from the shop. It has also been our most expensive restaurant outing so far.

- She accidentally dropped glow sticks at the Rodeo that we could not retrieve...

- She could not play in the stunning children's area at Bibliotech, the first digital library in the world with no books! It is only available to the locals. 

A work in progess...

I hope I do not have to add that much more!

We are also not making excuses for her any more. When she's an asshole, we say so! 

Little Miss, you keep us on our toes! 

(And humble / and feeling like bad parents all the time!)

Sensory issues

I love parenting in this Internet Age. When we have questions, we can ask Dear Old Google, and he always comes up with a great number of solutions or diagnose the "problem".

(But it can also lead to over-analysing and worrying! I know!)

I do think our Little Miss has some sensory issues. I have expressed my concerns before. She still get emotional melt-downs or tantrums. 

I have even taken it up in an email with the OT, but she just said it is very difficult to distinguish between auditory sensitivity and just being emotional. She assured me that hearing sensitivity is a real thing that many people are struggling with and that there is much that one can do about it. The auditory nerve has a very strong connection with the limbic system (emotional brain) which makes it sometimes difficult to distinguish whether a child is sensitive about the emotional and whether they are emotional about the sensitivity to sounds. She said that it is important to address the core of the problem! Totally agree, but now how do I get to the core?

I have observed that we are always in a tap-dance with regards clothes and how it feels/bothers her! There is always something about being hungry/not hungry, thirsty, hot/cold, noise around her! She really keeps us on our toes! I also try to sort out the clothes and issues as much as possible, because I know that it can put a severe damper on her going forward and doing something constructive. I imagine myself at school with clothes that bothers me (for example) and then I can't hear what the teacher says... 

It feels to me as if it is getting worse, or maybe it is just because she is able to express herself better! 

I can now understand why she used to not sleep so much when she was little. There must have been something bothering her. I am sooooo glad that I did not let her cry, and I am sooooo glad about the extended breastfeeding. Something that we did do that we do not have to beat ourselves up about! 

On a positive note: Little Miss got a great report card, and we are seeing her teacher for five minutes tonight! I will ask for some feedback from her. I was reluctant to raise a flag from the beginning of the year, and did not say anything to the teacher about her being young for her age group... 

This parenting thing is not for sissies! 

You cannot say because you have successfully raised one human being you have got it figured for the rest! They are all their own persons with their own "manuals", writing them as we go along!

I am writing this down for you, Little Miss! (Six years and four months today!)

We are trying to understand you! 

(I hope you won't be an angry person for life!)

Fighting fire with fire?

Little Hoots "wisdom"

It happened last week.

We were driving home, and she was thirsty and could not wait another second.
She was dying, for sure!

We asked her to wait for five minutes until we got home...

There was a very loud melt-down in the back of the car...

Hubby turned up the volume of the music in the car...

After a while we heard the following from the back:
"My teacher says you don't have to jump in the fire when your friends are doing it!"

----

We got home, and she drank two sips from the glass of water. (Of course!)

Not a lekker day!

"Lekker" = not exact translation, but "Nice"


This is the standard reply that we have been getting for the past two weeks.

Little Miss has an issue each day. And as soon as there is an "issue", the day is spoilt!

Melancholic personality? Hope not!
(Even writing this makes me feel that putting it out there will label it for her and us.)
But how do you teach a little one not to see the dark in everything? That the glass is half full, and not empty?

Is it possible to teach them to see the bright side, when they are constantly in drama mode and having some sort of crisis which ruins the whole day?


Some of the issues this past week:

- Her best friend did not want to play with her!

- Her best friend was mean to her.

- She had a bee sting in her hand.

- She hurt her toe.

- Mom forgot to put in her homework book. (No, I did not! It was in her bag.)

- I did not put in her dress for after-care and she could not put on her school dress again. Her friends teased her, and ran away. She had to make do with her jersey and stretch pants. (Unfortunately I did! Feeling very bad!)

- The sun did not come out yesterday. It was raining!

- Her friend broke her toy.

- She was tired. (We really stick to the 8 op'clock rule to get her into bed, but she struggles to go to sleep, and can't get up in the mornings.)

- She lost some of her stationary at school.

- She lost her socks / water bottle / clothes at school...


And it does not help to tell her to see things differently... It's not so bad! Never!


I saw this on Kidspot this month, and will definitely try some of these to help brighten her spirits! It seems like good advice!
11 questions that teach kids to be happy

Will let you know...


Related post:

First week of school - still getting into it!

A coaching session by The Joyful Mother

Sometimes I see something in my browsing travels (maybe it was on Facebook?) and I respond and forget where I got it from...

Having responded to Sigrid Kjeldsen of The Joyful Mother fame was such a blessing. I had to fill in her parenting questionnaire which she is going to use in her new book for 2015.

For that I got a 45 minute coaching session through Skype.
We exhausted all my parenting questions.

I had mostly questions about discipline, tantrums and my own impatience.
Our nearly 6-year old is very headstrong and she can get very angry. I still feel that we are not always handling her melt-downs in the best way.

I took away the following from the session:

The keyword is Loving Leader: 

- What would love do now?
- Where do love go? 

We as parents are in service of our children. It is our job to support them emotionally.
There is no need to understand the emotional outburst, but to make space for it.

- Accept it! There is no reason to resist it!
- Cultivate an energy to create a safe space.
- Only start talking when they have calmed down.
- To ask: how does that make you feel? - To help them feel validated in their emotions.

My energy impact my children's well-being:
"I am the loving leader of my home!"

About patience:

To be centered/feeling grounded.
Focus energy on the present moment!
Connects to inner wisdom/love!

Do not focus on what is not working, but focus on what is working! (We have a choice!)

To become curious!

How can you parent your children to be the best parent for them?
Drop the preconceived ideas of parenting.
Trust my child to show me the way!
Accept what is, and accept my child. (Do not expect them to react the way you would react!)

----------------

Thanks Sigrid!

Thank you Sigrid @TheJoyfulMother for the great coaching session last night! Learnt much about #parenting #lovingleader #energy
— Karen du Toit (@karentoittoit) November 19, 2014

Preschooler update

Red mouth after eating sherbet

She is the cutest and the funniest and the most loving little girl ever!

But she is also the most moody and sulky and difficult little girl ever!

We are really having a battle of wills with a five-year old in our house. The tantrum-two's got nothing on this age! (With hindsight: It was a breeze!)

Some of the latest in the life of our preschooler:

- "Lucky!" is a word she uses quite often!

- Other children are "lucky" who share the same name! She is the only one with her name in her school. ("sigh" We thought it was a bonus!)

- Her older sister is "lucky" to go to university where her sister has lots of friends staying with her, when she is all on her own at home!

- She is hungry all the time, but not for the food on her plate. The hunger especially gets to her at 8 pm when it is bed-time and then she can't sleep before she has another bowl of All Bran flakes.

- She is growing very fast now, and all her clothes are falling of her bum, because they have disappeared. She is shooting up like a string. We had to go and buy new shoes (a number 9) last week as well, because none of the old shoes fit any more.

- She was looking forward to Gr R with so much excitement, but it turned into a bummer for the first part. The teacher is not very welcoming, and it seems like a lot of work. She is yearning back to the previous year, and tells us that she does not want to go to school. (We have booked the appointment with the teacher this week!)

- We find her happily playing with other children, and not only just with the one little girl she used to prefer to play with!

- She constantly tells me that I am fat. Not like the other mums... But that she still loves me! (Keeping me grounded! Thank you!)

- Sometimes she kisses us!

- Sometimes she doesn't want kiss us!

-------------------------
Do you have the same experience with 5-year old's?

Here comes FIVE with a big tantrum!

Five!

Tomorrow is the big day for Little Missy. It has been a long year of waiting for her, but it has finally arrived!

We did not predict that Five would still come with the tantrums, but yes!
It is worse!

It is not pretty to see a big girl starting to wail and kick and hit and scream.

For the first few minutes of the tantrum it is impossible to get anything through to her.
It is during that stage that I would gladly poke out my own eye to make it stop, but not even that would work!

We have tried it all!

And of course we are always question our own parenting skills, and wondering if the gene pool did not drop too many of those aggressive genes into our Little Missy?

I did a bit of Googling psychology, and saw that it is not that strange for a five-year to still get tantrums. Also that they have had years of practise now in tantrum throwing, and they have become experts in the tantrum field of behaviour!

Tantrums play itself out in different stages, and that it is not worth trying to engage in the first stage. They are unable to do anything while their brains are in overload. It is best to ignore the first stage of screaming, kicking and wailing, and to swoop in when they get to the emotional stage. Mostly it is seen when they drop on the floor, sobbing or crying. Or when they asked to be picked up or hold.

We have been doing it right!

The most important for us is to not loose our cool!
To keep calm at all times! (We have not always got it right!)

That will be our New Year's resolution for this year!
To stay calm in the eye of the storm tantrum!


Happy birthday my girl!

I know for a fact that we will laugh our asses off in the future about your big fat huge tantrums!
(But now it is not that funny at all!)

Horrorwood at Brightwater Commons - we were missing that smile!

We went to the yearly Halloween event at the Brightwater Commons. Everybody was dressed, and there was lots of fun activities.

Little Missy could not wait for it, and was asking each time we drove past there in the year.
It finally happened, BUT she was in a bad mood. All the waiting and the excitement and choosing her outfit from her cupboard and talking about it...

 (It is difficult to be nearly 5! "sigh")

We could not get her to smile! She kept telling us that she is shy!
 

At the House of Horrors (we did not go in there)

Trick or Treats at all of the shops

There were crowds

Where's the smile?

I think we will skip it for next year, or maybe when she turns five in a month the tantrums will dissipate for good? (Please!)

We made a booking before the time at one of our favourite restaurants, Babylon Again, and that went down very well. We watched the people walking by in their costumes, while we had a lovely evening dinner!

Related post:

First Halloween  

Pink walk for hope #ithembawalkathon

It was the annual iThemba Walkathon again today!

It has become a yearly walk for us to do!

It has struck me today that it is a walk for hope! It is about being able to overcome, of being survivors!
The dreaded C diagnosis does not mean it is final! NO!

"Early detection saves lives!" 

We all had so much fun, while we were also reminded of people walking in remembrance of their loved ones!

The Little Missy started the day on a bad note, with a tantrum or two, but it got much better with the walk!

With Cass who was convinced at the last minute to come along

The final hill that felt like Polly Shortts

We made it!

A great crowd of nearly 20 000 people!

Next year we do it again...

Thanks to iThemba for organising a great event!


Related posts:

- Annual pink walk for breast cancer

- iThemba Walk against breast cancer

- iThemba Walkathon 2011

Spring, you are here!

Little Missy was extremely excited to hear that it is Spring, and couldn't wait to put on her new fairy dress (thanks to the sister's boyfriend and China Mall) today. She is wearing her princess shoes with that, and a vest underneath.
It was a chilly weekend and chilly start to the week today.
(Let's hope it is the last of the cold weather!)
She didn't want to pose for a photo, because she was still asleep this morning at six...

We were giggling this morning about the wings which got stuck onto everything.
I am not sure the dress is going to stay white, but that is a problem for later...

We let her wear what she wants, and let her experience the consequences of her clothing choices. She does not believe us when we tell her it is a cold day, or that the clothes are impractical!
Which usually turns into a massive tantrum if we deny her!
(There is a back-up set of clothes in her school bag.)

It is much less stressful for all!
She quickly tells us that she is cold when we go outside!

-----

We had a very relaxing weekend, with a Student that kept us busy with errands. But it was very nice to have her home! It is a busy time of the year coming up, and we won't be seeing much of her for a bit!
We miss her!


How was your Spring weekend?

The phases of a Tantrum - as experienced by a parent

Melt-down about 3 missing chappies

(Which she ate herself)

I have read Melissa's blog post about The F-king fours, and was extremely relieved to know that it is not only us who struggle!

Yesterday morning we had a huge tantrum when she threw herself on the bathroom floor after I had brush her teeth. I did not brush her teeth in "circles", apparently!
Last night coming home she wanted the music turned louder in the car. I could not turn it up because we had a passenger.  She did not stop crying!

I am regularly writing or trying some new ways of handling The Tantrums, but I do not feel that we have solved it!

How long can it last?

I am now beginning to see a pattern in our handling of the tantrum.
It definitely plays itself out in phases.


Phases parents go through when dealing with a tantrum:

1. Trying to rectify the problem immediately by giving in to the demand. (It usually does not work!)

2. Reasoning with the child. (It does not work!)

3. Picking them up / sitting with them / trying to hold them. (Usually not possibly with a wriggling child)

4. Giving up by walking away or ignoring.

5. Waiting for them to calm down by themselves.


I realise no 4 is not a very good parenting technique, and I am open to more suggestions?

- The video (I hope it opens up) was at our recent camp where her dad bought her 7 chappies. She put it in his pocket after she had eaten three of them. When she wanted it back, she was extremely disgusted about the fact that there was only four left. Dad said he would buy three again, then he tried explaining that she had eaten it, then he let her cry, and then he gave up...

We found a bike

We went on search for a bigger bike for Little Missy this weekend.
The extra two wheels can be taken off when she finds her balance!

Her dad saw a younger nephew already riding around without the two extra wheels at the back. He immediately thought that she has some catching up to do (as parents do...!) But I think the four-year old nephew is extremely advanced (with regards bike balancing), and that we should not be worried!

We did not want to spend enormous amounts, because the bike will only last for the most of three years.

Little Missy threw a tantrum got upset each time we decided to keep on looking!
It's all about the colours and the pictures on the frames. She actually wanted a Barbie one...

But the bright dangling handle bar strings on this bike clinched the deal!
And her doll got a seat as well!


This was our weekend!
Dad running after her in the town house complex, and dogs barking from behind the town houses' walls...

Tantrums at 4 and a half?

Yes, we are still seeing these!

The blown-ups, the blow-downs, the melt-downs, the floor-throwers, ...

THE TRANTRUM!

What are we doing wrong?


Related post:

Reasons why the Preschooler gets upset

A seat booked in a spaceship

We were told last night that she has got her purse with her money, and that they (?) are coming to fetch her. They have a seat arranged for her in the spaceship.
She asked us if we want to come along.
But, apparently, they have no seats for a Karen and a Dries!
Only for a Mieka!
But we can get seats in another spaceship, and we will be able to look at each other...
----
She had a scolding about a terrible melt-down about a jacket yesterday morning, and yesterday afternoon she was afraid her dad would also be cross about the ink marks on her face and hands as well (which he was not!)
(She was busy writing in the car on the way home, and I only noticed the face when we got home.)
So, threatening not to have a place for us in the spaceship, because we should not be scolding her, is her way of dealing with it!
We usually get threatened with not being invited to her pink house!
The pink house in the sky, with the dragons, the smaller sister and the small kitten...

Posted with Blogsy

Wordless Wednesday #175 - The cup of hot chocolate is not big enough

Reasons why the Preschooler gets upset

Little Missy still gets her furious tantrums, and after snort laughing at Reasons my son is crying, I decided to put up our own list.

A work in progress, of course...

Most of the times she gets upset about the most illogical stuff (or so we think), but in Her World it is Big AND Logical!
(Or else, it wouldn't have warrant such an explosion, would it?)

1. Waking up in the afternoons. This can sometimes take more than a hour to calm her down. (See photo above)

2. Pitching up "too early" at Pre-Primary in the afternoons. She still wanted to play!  (When it is the normal four o'clock pick-up time)

3. Not bringing a "surprise" when I go to pick her up.

4. Not turning on the children's programmes on television.

5. Wanting to turn off the children's programmes on television. (After we have said she could only watch for a fixed amount of time!)

6. Not dressed in the "right" clothes for the day!

7. She wants a sweet/ice-cream/lollipop at the shops. Protesting in the car, or in the shops!

8. Her friend hurt her feelings ("my hartjie seergemaak"), but only switching on the waterworks when we arrive at school.

9. Getting upset about a small hot chocolate in the coffee shop. It should have been a big cup like ours!

10. Screaming loudly when you try to distract her. She is not stupid! She knows what you are trying to do!

11. Not being kissed by Mom or Dad just before pulling out of the drive-way!

12. Having to leave too early at the Grandparents.

13. Breakfast in the car should not have been porridge/egg/fruit, but the other thing she had eaten the day before.

14. We are not allowed to sing with her! Period!

15. We are not allowed to interrupt her thought stream when she is talking to us!

16. We are not allowed to talk for too long in the car. She wants her turn as well!


What upsets your toddler or preschooler?

The first feedback in Grade RR

We had our feedback session with the Little Missy's teacher the previous week.
(Before I forget, I am writing down the important points.)

It seems that most of my fears of her being so young are unfounded. Her birthday is in December which makes her a bit younger than most of her classmates. But her teacher believes that it is better to keep them with their age group, and that she does not perceive any problems of our Little Missy not going to Grade R.

Grade R is of course the final goal for Little Missy!
She thinks that she will arrive when she gets to Grade R.

She must be able to do the following: 
(Which apparently is not yet fully mastered)

- She needs to start helping with small tasks.
- She needs to be able to pack her own suitcase.
- She should be able to listen to the teacher.
- She must exercise her cutting skills.
- And: We have a whole list of stuff to exercise at home. (Which was handed out to all the parents)
(Wow! So small, and so many things to do and know already!)

The teacher tells us that she has a bit of a smart mouth on her:
- She retorted when she used a very bad swearword: "It's not me, it is my voice!"
- She was hitting another child, and when reprimanded: "I am not hitting her, I am giving her a hiding!"

The tantrums are also used very selectively, and also more than we expected.
(*sigh* We know! We still see it at home, but thought that it was more under wraps at school!)

She also has a best best friend, and even in the first week the teacher told me that they were very close. The friend calls the shots, and Little Missy follows.
Jade knows best! She knows everything!
The teacher has them seated at different tables, and she has a rule that they can't help or stand next to each other when they get an assignment.
The teacher overheard her once when she was waiting for Jade, and Jade kept on doing her own thing: "Jade I love you so much! Please come!"

Little Missy says that Jade just wants to play with her and no one else, but we see Jade playing with many other friends.

Always tough on the little ones when they focus on someone and don't see the other friends waiting on the side! (I see other friends hanging around when I go to fetch her in the afternoons...)
I will keep on telling her that it is good to have more than one friend!

I don't think boys have so many issues with friends?