The sketch that helped me understand my child

Wendy Bertagnole webinar about difficult sensory behaviour

I have to share this here. There are definitely other parents who also struggle with the same. I wish I had know about this much earlier. I have felt in my gut that there is more to the behaviour, and that it is not a lack of discipline or a lack of respect. The reason for the continuing melt-downs! The better we understand our child, the better she will be able to understand herself. The better we will also be able to work on the skills necessary to handle her world.

Mid-year update - Miss Fine

"Sharp!"

Miss Fine had to take a back-step these past few months. It was only wedding stuff and preparations, and the whole budget went into it. The Wedding was the best party ever, and it was all worth it! Miss Fine had a ball of a time. She complained before the wedding that she would not know what to do with herself and that she would be bored. This was not the case. She was a perfect flower-girl, and she enjoyed manning the photo booth with her friends. She also danced the night away! Everybody commented on how confident and big she is.

The 21st of each month used to be my monthly update when she was small. This blog is all about keeping track about how she is growing into the person she has become. I did an update after the first Grade 4 exams, which went very well. We only had feedback from the teacher after the holidays. The teacher said that Miss Fine is her perfect example of kids that really do well, although they are so young for their grade. This validated our decision to put her in Grade 1 when we did. (This is what moms do: Worry about what you do and don't do, and each year we worry AGAIN!) "Phew!"

Bring the family together with board games #PrimaGamesFest

Rummikub with a Twist

{WIN}

It's winter time, and more time for being indoors, and spending time with the family. Board games is a great way to spend quality (and quantity) time together. Miss Fine has been working on her life skills, and playing board games is a great way in helping her to manage the melt-downs. We can already see a marked improvement when we play board games together.  We will definitely be doing it more after the exams, but in the meantime it is also a great stress reliever when taking a break from studying. 

Here's how you can win Rummikub with a Twist, with extra Jokers to add more fun and skill to the game. As far as board games go, Rummikub is one of our favourites, as the rules are not that difficult, but you get more skilled with each game being played.

10 Ways Monopoly teaches Life Skills

Monopoly

We have always struggled with board games. Little Miss was not a good game player, and melt-downs used to be her go-to reaction when the game did not go in her favour. We understand it better now while she is busy learning life skills.

There are more than enough articles about the the positive impact of board games, and we will definitely incorporate it more in our lives.We've got two Monopoly sets, a Scrabble and a Rummikub at home. We gifted Miss the Rummikub in December, but we've only tried playing it once. Because, melt-downs...

Turns out the meltdowns have an underlying base

Miss with dog

I feel so sad today. We have always struggled with the meltdowns, but we thought it would fizzle out! It's not so bad!


But after one particular blow-up about a muffin one morning, I phoned the school psychologist, and she has been seeing Miss at school.


We had our first feedback last night. She did the Rochard Psychology Test. What is underneath is much worse than we though. Obviously I am not going to share much about the details, as this is not my story.

First week at a new school

Little Miss first week of school, at a new school, has been daunting. We are glad we made the move, and there is a definite positive effect on both Mom and Dad's traffic commutes!

The challenges:

- The new environment is difficult to navigate for a direction-ally challenged kid. (Mom as well!)
- It's not as easy as asking kids to play with them. They already have their friends and groups of their own. They just say "No!" (Heartbreaking)
- We sent a child to school on Monday with stomach-ache which we thought was spastic colon (nerves), but had to go fetch her earlier. It turns out it is bladder infection because she keeps it in (not wanting to go because of dodgy toilets). I even walked past a younger girl with her dad yesterday who just had an accident. She told her dad she was keeping it in until he came to fetch her. It was 4pm in the afternoon already! (Shame!)
- There was a melt-down in class. We got a call! (Horrors)
- The activities that Little Miss is interested in, is overlapping. What do we keep, and what do we change?
- There was a general athletics meeting where Little Miss got sun burnt for the first time, and her nose are peeling. She was also spending half her time searching for me, although I could only be there at 1pm.  (Bad Mom-moment - I should have explained better about being there later...)

The positives:

- Little Miss (and her parents) do not have to sit for hours in the car going and coming from school.
- Little Miss got a playmate during lunch-breaks yesterday, but she does not know the girl's name. (Thumbs crossed)
- Little Miss has been doing handstands with one of the new boys at after-care, and yesterday afternoon there was a new "friend" that she bonded with in class after they both felt sick on Monday.
- Little Miss does not have any issues going to the tuck shop at school. She knows all the new rules! (*sigh* Trying each day to get a few cents from Mom and Dad)
- Little Miss can't stop talking about her new school. She is enjoying most of it! (Big THUMBS UP!)
- Little Miss likes her new teacher.
- I was asked to buy a special file for her yesterday that she can keep in her bag for homework. She enjoyed sorting and marking it yesterday, and was excited to use it today. (The power of the right stationery!)
- BETTER COMMUTE! (Easier, faster, cheaper!)


The positives outweighs the negatives!
The challenges are not necessarily a bad thing, and we will work on it this year!

How's your back-to-school going?

Parenting is a series of negotiations about clothes

It happens every single day! The negotiations about clothes!

It helps a bit that she wears school clothes, or we would never have been in time during the school week! It is worse over the weekend when she has a whole cupboard full of clothes to choose from, and she only wants to wear her favourites that are in the wash. The best meltdowns have been about clothes and what to wear!

This morning she wanted to go without shoes, although it was raining and cold. She has eczema underneath her toes, and it is never a good idea to go without shoes, as it gets very dry and itchy when she goes barefoot.

But that does not matter! We have to tell her each morning it is a better idea to wear her shoes! And it needs a LOT of convincing.

Then the jacket. She never wants to wear a jacket, UNTIL she is freezing! Usually when we have arrived at our destination... Or in the shops at the frozen section... That's why the parents have to drag a jacket along every single time!  (Now if we can only remember it every single time!)

She has always been very particular about her clothes. I called her a Princessionista at nearly three years of age, and she still has very specific ideas about clothes!


Do you also struggle daily with negotiations about clothes, or are you lucky with kids that wear the jacket and shoes?

The three most important things to handle a melt-down

It is no secret that Little Miss has really struggled with melt-downs, and we are not out of the woods yet...

Although it is MUCH better!

Her teachers have always said that she is "over-emotional" or most recently that she is a very "sensitive soul". They seem to manage her very well when it gets too much! (So lucky to have such great teachers!) 

We have also learnt to handle it better!

The 3 most important things to handle a melt-down:

1. She is unable to process the situation. She is not naughty! She needs your help and understanding and sympathy! Sit with her when she allows you or calls to you!

2. It is not about you, the adult/parent! She is not trying to defy you! Don't make it about you!

3. Learn her coping mechanisms, but not while the melt-down is in progress. Discuss coping mechanisms such as time-outs/hitting of cushions/screaming. She gets to choose her own coping mechanism for next time!

What coping mechanism can you recommend for that melt-down of tantrum?

Things a little girl gets upset about, or when she's an asshole

Little Miss has been extremely good on the flight to America. We have been preaching her for months about not throwing tantrums in that confined space... 

The in-flight movies and games and Ouma's colouring book helped tremendously! She also slept quite a bit during the 24-hour one-stop trip. (Huge sigh of relief!)

There has been a few episodes here that got her upset: 

- Not getting anything/something in the shops that she wants. (A couple of times! We are working on it!)

- She had to spend her pocket money immediately. It burned her pocket until it was finished! 

- She does not have anything to wear. (Although she packed the biggest selection of outfits!)

- She cannot decide on the shoes she wants to wear! (She is Six, people!)

- She HAD to put her stuff in a handbag, but not the one she has. A plastic shopping bag saved the day!

- She was upset that her sister did not have a "real" party on her birthday! She said Big Sister did not turn 22 after all. Although it was her sister's wish to celebrate at Hard Rock Café in San Antonio and get a special t-shirt from the shop. It has also been our most expensive restaurant outing so far.

- She accidentally dropped glow sticks at the Rodeo that we could not retrieve...

- She could not play in the stunning children's area at Bibliotech, the first digital library in the world with no books! It is only available to the locals. 

A work in progess...

I hope I do not have to add that much more!

We are also not making excuses for her any more. When she's an asshole, we say so! 

Little Miss, you keep us on our toes! 

(And humble / and feeling like bad parents all the time!)

Sensory issues

I love parenting in this Internet Age. When we have questions, we can ask Dear Old Google, and he always comes up with a great number of solutions or diagnose the "problem".

(But it can also lead to over-analysing and worrying! I know!)

I do think our Little Miss has some sensory issues. I have expressed my concerns before. She still get emotional melt-downs or tantrums. 

I have even taken it up in an email with the OT, but she just said it is very difficult to distinguish between auditory sensitivity and just being emotional. She assured me that hearing sensitivity is a real thing that many people are struggling with and that there is much that one can do about it. The auditory nerve has a very strong connection with the limbic system (emotional brain) which makes it sometimes difficult to distinguish whether a child is sensitive about the emotional and whether they are emotional about the sensitivity to sounds. She said that it is important to address the core of the problem! Totally agree, but now how do I get to the core?

I have observed that we are always in a tap-dance with regards clothes and how it feels/bothers her! There is always something about being hungry/not hungry, thirsty, hot/cold, noise around her! She really keeps us on our toes! I also try to sort out the clothes and issues as much as possible, because I know that it can put a severe damper on her going forward and doing something constructive. I imagine myself at school with clothes that bothers me (for example) and then I can't hear what the teacher says... 

It feels to me as if it is getting worse, or maybe it is just because she is able to express herself better! 

I can now understand why she used to not sleep so much when she was little. There must have been something bothering her. I am sooooo glad that I did not let her cry, and I am sooooo glad about the extended breastfeeding. Something that we did do that we do not have to beat ourselves up about! 

On a positive note: Little Miss got a great report card, and we are seeing her teacher for five minutes tonight! I will ask for some feedback from her. I was reluctant to raise a flag from the beginning of the year, and did not say anything to the teacher about her being young for her age group... 

This parenting thing is not for sissies! 

You cannot say because you have successfully raised one human being you have got it figured for the rest! They are all their own persons with their own "manuals", writing them as we go along!

I am writing this down for you, Little Miss! (Six years and four months today!)

We are trying to understand you! 

(I hope you won't be an angry person for life!)

Fighting fire with fire?

Little Hoots "wisdom"

It happened last week.

We were driving home, and she was thirsty and could not wait another second.
She was dying, for sure!

We asked her to wait for five minutes until we got home...

There was a very loud melt-down in the back of the car...

Hubby turned up the volume of the music in the car...

After a while we heard the following from the back:
"My teacher says you don't have to jump in the fire when your friends are doing it!"

----

We got home, and she drank two sips from the glass of water. (Of course!)

Teeth adventures - Number 4

Crisis again! Tooth number four went missing!

These "adventures" with teeth are keeping us busy, it seems!

Little Miss lets them hang and wiggle in her mouth, but won't let us come near them, or try to loosen them up.

Tooth number 4 was still there when Little Miss brushed her teeth on Tuesday night, but she discovered the open space (on top, right hand side) in her mouth while reading a book to her and her friend.

It was a total melt-down situation!
It was traumatic!

Luckily the situation was brought under control by promising to write to the Tooth Mouse, and telling him about the situation. He would definitely find the tooth where it had gone missing!

Big Sister wrote the letter, and it was placed in the slipper.
(Letter to the tooth mouse here: Babysitting two girls)

On Wednesday there was a letter back from the Tooth Mouse with a R10 paper note.
He wrote that he had found it! Jay!

A coaching session by The Joyful Mother

Sometimes I see something in my browsing travels (maybe it was on Facebook?) and I respond and forget where I got it from...

Having responded to Sigrid Kjeldsen of The Joyful Mother fame was such a blessing. I had to fill in her parenting questionnaire which she is going to use in her new book for 2015.

For that I got a 45 minute coaching session through Skype.
We exhausted all my parenting questions.

I had mostly questions about discipline, tantrums and my own impatience.
Our nearly 6-year old is very headstrong and she can get very angry. I still feel that we are not always handling her melt-downs in the best way.

I took away the following from the session:

The keyword is Loving Leader: 

- What would love do now?
- Where do love go? 

We as parents are in service of our children. It is our job to support them emotionally.
There is no need to understand the emotional outburst, but to make space for it.

- Accept it! There is no reason to resist it!
- Cultivate an energy to create a safe space.
- Only start talking when they have calmed down.
- To ask: how does that make you feel? - To help them feel validated in their emotions.

My energy impact my children's well-being:
"I am the loving leader of my home!"

About patience:

To be centered/feeling grounded.
Focus energy on the present moment!
Connects to inner wisdom/love!

Do not focus on what is not working, but focus on what is working! (We have a choice!)

To become curious!

How can you parent your children to be the best parent for them?
Drop the preconceived ideas of parenting.
Trust my child to show me the way!
Accept what is, and accept my child. (Do not expect them to react the way you would react!)

----------------

Thanks Sigrid!

Thank you Sigrid @TheJoyfulMother for the great coaching session last night! Learnt much about #parenting #lovingleader #energy
— Karen du Toit (@karentoittoit) November 19, 2014

Preschooler update

Red mouth after eating sherbet

She is the cutest and the funniest and the most loving little girl ever!

But she is also the most moody and sulky and difficult little girl ever!

We are really having a battle of wills with a five-year old in our house. The tantrum-two's got nothing on this age! (With hindsight: It was a breeze!)

Some of the latest in the life of our preschooler:

- "Lucky!" is a word she uses quite often!

- Other children are "lucky" who share the same name! She is the only one with her name in her school. ("sigh" We thought it was a bonus!)

- Her older sister is "lucky" to go to university where her sister has lots of friends staying with her, when she is all on her own at home!

- She is hungry all the time, but not for the food on her plate. The hunger especially gets to her at 8 pm when it is bed-time and then she can't sleep before she has another bowl of All Bran flakes.

- She is growing very fast now, and all her clothes are falling of her bum, because they have disappeared. She is shooting up like a string. We had to go and buy new shoes (a number 9) last week as well, because none of the old shoes fit any more.

- She was looking forward to Gr R with so much excitement, but it turned into a bummer for the first part. The teacher is not very welcoming, and it seems like a lot of work. She is yearning back to the previous year, and tells us that she does not want to go to school. (We have booked the appointment with the teacher this week!)

- We find her happily playing with other children, and not only just with the one little girl she used to prefer to play with!

- She constantly tells me that I am fat. Not like the other mums... But that she still loves me! (Keeping me grounded! Thank you!)

- Sometimes she kisses us!

- Sometimes she doesn't want kiss us!

-------------------------
Do you have the same experience with 5-year old's?

Here comes FIVE with a big tantrum!

Five!

Tomorrow is the big day for Little Missy. It has been a long year of waiting for her, but it has finally arrived!

We did not predict that Five would still come with the tantrums, but yes!
It is worse!

It is not pretty to see a big girl starting to wail and kick and hit and scream.

For the first few minutes of the tantrum it is impossible to get anything through to her.
It is during that stage that I would gladly poke out my own eye to make it stop, but not even that would work!

We have tried it all!

And of course we are always question our own parenting skills, and wondering if the gene pool did not drop too many of those aggressive genes into our Little Missy?

I did a bit of Googling psychology, and saw that it is not that strange for a five-year to still get tantrums. Also that they have had years of practise now in tantrum throwing, and they have become experts in the tantrum field of behaviour!

Tantrums play itself out in different stages, and that it is not worth trying to engage in the first stage. They are unable to do anything while their brains are in overload. It is best to ignore the first stage of screaming, kicking and wailing, and to swoop in when they get to the emotional stage. Mostly it is seen when they drop on the floor, sobbing or crying. Or when they asked to be picked up or hold.

We have been doing it right!

The most important for us is to not loose our cool!
To keep calm at all times! (We have not always got it right!)

That will be our New Year's resolution for this year!
To stay calm in the eye of the storm tantrum!


Happy birthday my girl!

I know for a fact that we will laugh our asses off in the future about your big fat huge tantrums!
(But now it is not that funny at all!)

Horrorwood at Brightwater Commons - we were missing that smile!

We went to the yearly Halloween event at the Brightwater Commons. Everybody was dressed, and there was lots of fun activities.

Little Missy could not wait for it, and was asking each time we drove past there in the year.
It finally happened, BUT she was in a bad mood. All the waiting and the excitement and choosing her outfit from her cupboard and talking about it...

 (It is difficult to be nearly 5! "sigh")

We could not get her to smile! She kept telling us that she is shy!
 

At the House of Horrors (we did not go in there)

Trick or Treats at all of the shops

There were crowds

Where's the smile?

I think we will skip it for next year, or maybe when she turns five in a month the tantrums will dissipate for good? (Please!)

We made a booking before the time at one of our favourite restaurants, Babylon Again, and that went down very well. We watched the people walking by in their costumes, while we had a lovely evening dinner!

Related post:

First Halloween  

The phases of a Tantrum - as experienced by a parent

Melt-down about 3 missing chappies

(Which she ate herself)

I have read Melissa's blog post about The F-king fours, and was extremely relieved to know that it is not only us who struggle!

Yesterday morning we had a huge tantrum when she threw herself on the bathroom floor after I had brush her teeth. I did not brush her teeth in "circles", apparently!
Last night coming home she wanted the music turned louder in the car. I could not turn it up because we had a passenger.  She did not stop crying!

I am regularly writing or trying some new ways of handling The Tantrums, but I do not feel that we have solved it!

How long can it last?

I am now beginning to see a pattern in our handling of the tantrum.
It definitely plays itself out in phases.


Phases parents go through when dealing with a tantrum:

1. Trying to rectify the problem immediately by giving in to the demand. (It usually does not work!)

2. Reasoning with the child. (It does not work!)

3. Picking them up / sitting with them / trying to hold them. (Usually not possibly with a wriggling child)

4. Giving up by walking away or ignoring.

5. Waiting for them to calm down by themselves.


I realise no 4 is not a very good parenting technique, and I am open to more suggestions?

- The video (I hope it opens up) was at our recent camp where her dad bought her 7 chappies. She put it in his pocket after she had eaten three of them. When she wanted it back, she was extremely disgusted about the fact that there was only four left. Dad said he would buy three again, then he tried explaining that she had eaten it, then he let her cry, and then he gave up...

Tantrums at 4 and a half?

Yes, we are still seeing these!

The blown-ups, the blow-downs, the melt-downs, the floor-throwers, ...

THE TRANTRUM!

What are we doing wrong?


Related post:

Reasons why the Preschooler gets upset

A seat booked in a spaceship

We were told last night that she has got her purse with her money, and that they (?) are coming to fetch her. They have a seat arranged for her in the spaceship.
She asked us if we want to come along.
But, apparently, they have no seats for a Karen and a Dries!
Only for a Mieka!
But we can get seats in another spaceship, and we will be able to look at each other...
----
She had a scolding about a terrible melt-down about a jacket yesterday morning, and yesterday afternoon she was afraid her dad would also be cross about the ink marks on her face and hands as well (which he was not!)
(She was busy writing in the car on the way home, and I only noticed the face when we got home.)
So, threatening not to have a place for us in the spaceship, because we should not be scolding her, is her way of dealing with it!
We usually get threatened with not being invited to her pink house!
The pink house in the sky, with the dragons, the smaller sister and the small kitten...

Posted with Blogsy

Wordless Wednesday #175 - The cup of hot chocolate is not big enough