Soap box - Get out! Get out! Get out!

The ongoing Oscar Pistorius muder trial is a perfect example of what should not be happening in relationships. I have been giving unsolicited advice to anybody who's listening. My poor daughter especially, and she doesn't even need it! Sorry!

I still hear from my daughter that her fellow students and friends are staying in relationships that are degrading and unhappy. The girls keep on going back to their boyfriends who make them unhappy and make them feel less worthy!

My only advice is to walk away as soon as possible!
(I have personal experience - a previous life, a very very long time ago - and realised only afterwards that I should have seen the warning signs!)

You should not stay in a relationship where you are:
(Even if only for 10% of the time...)

- Feeling unsafe or scared.

- Being made to feel less worthy.

- Guns are recklessly used. 

- Extreme jealousy.

- Told what to wear and what to say and how to behave.

- Not treated like a lady!


I wish all the girls to know that it is up to them to change the situation.
You have the power to stop it by not accepting bad behaviour, and by getting out!


Related posts:

- Reasons why you should not stay

- Blog directory of healing through storytelling

- Rose with thorns


Picture: "Gun" Microsoft clip art

Dear Auntie

Why do we always know what the problem is with other people and their relationships, but we can’t see our own relationship mishaps?

Why do we always long for the person we cannot have?

Why do we make fools of ourselves for a person who tells us that they are not interested?

Why do we waste so much of our precious time and thoughts on a person clearly not worthy of it?

Why do we not listen to our friends when they tell us that he/she is no good for us?

Why do we put more value in insights of a psychologist than our own friends and family who has been telling us the truth all along?

Why do we cry over someone not interested?

Why don’t we mourn the “relationship” and move on in life?

Why don’t we open up to new people and possibilities?

Why do we like it so much to cling to our pain bodies?




Why are we such fools in love?

Dysfunctional Dad

I get the following message on Sunday from the woman married to the teen’s dad (the X – Cancelled One). Powerwoman has been on my soapbox in my head again ever since...


The message (translated):

...this sms I am sending which nobody knows about, but to ask you, no to implore you to ask Arnia to soften her heart towards her dad. I do not expect or ask that she spends weekends or holidays. I also have children and know that at this age they’ve got their own lives. I ask for making contact... coffee, or a restaurant meeting here and there. I know he has made mistakes. But I also know the one thing that kills him and that is not seeing his child. Please, Karen, you are a parent just as I am, and I am sure you can imagine what pain he must go through by not seeing is child. I would not be able to handle it, would you be able to? I could have send Arnia a sms, but I am sending this to you because we are the parents no matter how old they get. Please talk to her, and answer my sms. Thanks.

I did not answer her, and I am not going to. There are so many things at play here. At first glance you would think “Poor Dad!” BUT! There are REASONS why some children do not want to have contact with their dads.

Arnia decided all on her own at age 15 and a half (she is now 17) that she only wants to see her dad when he’s made some changes in his life. A very scared young lady sat at that time next to me, and read out some things that need to change. She came up with her own list. She decided enough was enough after he had his wife by the throat after her night out. She was in tip-toe mode around her dad, and had to make sure she gave him 100% attention, or she got some sort of repercussion! Events when she was being thrown around for “not given attention” (his own words) to him; just a few days after she had her appendectomy. Or having to listen to rants and raves when he had to pick her up when she was out with friends...

She asked that he be her Dad and not her friend. That he goes for anger management counselling, and see a therapist. She asked that he gives her time to be with her friends, and not complain when he as to pick her up. The dad saw it as demands which he is not obliged to fulfil. “Children can’t make demands on parents!” (Yes, they can!)

He has never tried to make things better. Or to change! Everything must come from the other party. It seems as if he is the wronged person, but in reality he has created his own mess. I support my daughter for her decision. The X does not contribute in any way towards his daughter. He and his wife say that money and love has got nothing to do with each other. I disagree! How wonderful to have all the fun and the good times with your children, and not contribute towards the stuff that is needed...

Why should his wife speak on his behalf? Why does he not make an effort and try to make things better? Why does he not start making a monetary contribution towards his daughter?

No, it is still all about HIM, the narcissist!

Cellular miscommunication and relationship problems

I am not great in the verbal department. Hand me a telephone, and you get the shortest of grunts, and mostly a very brief encounter of matter-of-factness. I try my utmost to put on the smile and to recite the list: 1) identification; 2) place of work; and, 3) hello. But most of the time it is stripped to a short “Karen!” (I am busy, thank you very much!)
I know – it is on my list of things to change for the New Year.
Add a cellular phone and the signal problems in Jozy, and the Hubby gets it even worse. He has given me numerous lectures on how not to do it. And he has called me back a good number of times, after I have put down the phone on him and he still wanted to talk to me.
In my previous life (BD – Before Dries) my telephone skills were once blamed as one of the reasons the guy was not that impressed. It says a lot about Dries, for sticking around! Thanks, Dries!
I can’t even blame the bubble brain, although it has been worse in the recent year. (Yeah, right, Karen! We’ll stick with that!) I don’t enjoy talking over a telephone, especially one that jumps around with signal strengths and losses…
Me: “Hello.”
Dries: “Hello.”
Me: “What’s up?”
Dries: crackles… “plans…” sshhhhhhh…
Me: “I can’t hear you?”
Dries: “Sh&t!”
Me: “Talk to you later.” (In the hope that he will hear it)
Put phone down.
Our conversations boil down to this, most of the time…
I blame the cell phone companies.
I am sure there are many relationship problems because of the bad network coverage? Is there anyone else who can relate? Horrors if it is only us experiencing these problems…

Splits and children

Divorces have a devastating effect on the children. No new revelation!
Arnia believed and hoped for years that I and her dad would get back together again and that we would be a family again. We split up when she was 6 and got divorced the next year. Until she was 12 years of age I was blamed for making the move. But she did not know and understand the reasons for the move, and it was only when she herself was confronted with the reality of the situation that she started to make a mind shift. The reality of the situation was that the X was an emotional manipulator, which sometimes moved in the direction of violent aggression. The X was and is a leach that sucks the people dry around him, and do not positively contribute to any environment. The X also did not contribute financially towards his daughter’s upbringing.
That was our story, but we have moved on. We have a new family life, and that is what this blog is all about. New beginnings, every day!
Yes, sometimes it IS better for the children when the parents split!

Photo: One of our new beginnings!

Splitting of friends

The news of friends splitting up is very upsetting! We feel a sense of shock and loss for them, and for us! Our relationship with them has also been irrevocably changed. No more visits with the two of them together…
It makes us look at our relationship again, realizing that it is very easy to lose sight of “us” in the rush and hum-drum of daily life. I and Dries both pass out at about eight at night. He goes into a comatose state in front of the television, and me with Mieka on the bed. Then we are “done” for the day! We have to meet sometimes during the day for lunch to talk and connect. It works for us.
The realization: this is it! We are not going to get better than this! I know now with hindsight how wonderful it is to be in such a secure and predictable place! Some would call it boring! But it is the final measurement of a happy family life: To be able to look forward every day to go home just to be with the family. At one stage in my life I hated the idea of going home (yes, it was THAT bad), and I can say that it has changed 100% since the day I moved on. And it only got better with Dries in our lives. It is nice to be in such a boring place…
I hope our friends patch things up again. As the Prof of Yvonne’s story admitted – you only swap families when you move on…

Poop phase

How nice to be able to enjoy going home at the end of each day. We were discussing women being in bad relationships, and not wanting to be at home anymore. I used to be in a BAD relationship – long time ago (previous life) – where I dragged my feet to go home. And I am not a workaholic who lives for my work... The only thing that kept me going home was my daughter, Arnia. Phew! Nice to be able to talk about a different lifetime, and laugh about it…
Now it is nice (for the lack of a better word) to go home to our small little townhouse. We look forward just being together. So boring, but so nice…
Mieka had her first swim in a small inflatable swimming pool on the lawn on Saturday. Petite Peu was trying to eat our feet. The fun stopped very suddenly when Mieka became red in the face. It became a whole operation to extract her from the water, and to clean her and the pool. The dog is also keeping us busy with picking up her poop. The thing with babies - children and dogs – is that poop is part of the deal… We are in the poop-phase, trying to maintain a poop-free house. (Sheepish grin) But we don’t mind, because it is our home, and our family, and we love being in each other’s company! The poop phase is a bonus, compared to trying to survive in a bad relationship.

Cancelled psychopath

I listened yesterday to a radio program about anti-social personality disorders, and saw my X (the cancelled one) fit perfectly into all of the characteristics of a psychopath. The parasitic lifestyle, failure to accept responsibility and lack of emotional intelligence are just a few of the characteristics they spoke about. I was speaking to Debbie (my mother’s sister), who also listened to the program, who voiced her concern about Arnia and his impact on her. Debbie also does not want Arnia to feel guilty about her decision. Luckily Arnia made the choice a few months back to limit her access to him. She had made a list which she read to him the previous year. That was after he grabbed his present wife around the neck in a violent outburst. The list asked him to go for therapy for conflict handling, to be a dad to her, and to give her space to be able to see her friends. She also did not want to feel on edge when she is in his presence. I try to limit my access to toxic people as far as possible, and that’s why I try to help Arnia to feel safe in her dealings with her dad. I will never force her to see him, and because I have first-hand experience of his manipulative behaviour, I try to point to the negative characteristics. She has made a very adult decision already at 15 years of age, and I am proud of her. It is such a blessing to be in a safe and loving relationship where there is peace! Thank you, Dries, for making it possible a second time around.