Dysfunctional Dad

I get the following message on Sunday from the woman married to the teen’s dad (the X – Cancelled One). Powerwoman has been on my soapbox in my head again ever since...


The message (translated):

...this sms I am sending which nobody knows about, but to ask you, no to implore you to ask Arnia to soften her heart towards her dad. I do not expect or ask that she spends weekends or holidays. I also have children and know that at this age they’ve got their own lives. I ask for making contact... coffee, or a restaurant meeting here and there. I know he has made mistakes. But I also know the one thing that kills him and that is not seeing his child. Please, Karen, you are a parent just as I am, and I am sure you can imagine what pain he must go through by not seeing is child. I would not be able to handle it, would you be able to? I could have send Arnia a sms, but I am sending this to you because we are the parents no matter how old they get. Please talk to her, and answer my sms. Thanks.

I did not answer her, and I am not going to. There are so many things at play here. At first glance you would think “Poor Dad!” BUT! There are REASONS why some children do not want to have contact with their dads.

Arnia decided all on her own at age 15 and a half (she is now 17) that she only wants to see her dad when he’s made some changes in his life. A very scared young lady sat at that time next to me, and read out some things that need to change. She came up with her own list. She decided enough was enough after he had his wife by the throat after her night out. She was in tip-toe mode around her dad, and had to make sure she gave him 100% attention, or she got some sort of repercussion! Events when she was being thrown around for “not given attention” (his own words) to him; just a few days after she had her appendectomy. Or having to listen to rants and raves when he had to pick her up when she was out with friends...

She asked that he be her Dad and not her friend. That he goes for anger management counselling, and see a therapist. She asked that he gives her time to be with her friends, and not complain when he as to pick her up. The dad saw it as demands which he is not obliged to fulfil. “Children can’t make demands on parents!” (Yes, they can!)

He has never tried to make things better. Or to change! Everything must come from the other party. It seems as if he is the wronged person, but in reality he has created his own mess. I support my daughter for her decision. The X does not contribute in any way towards his daughter. He and his wife say that money and love has got nothing to do with each other. I disagree! How wonderful to have all the fun and the good times with your children, and not contribute towards the stuff that is needed...

Why should his wife speak on his behalf? Why does he not make an effort and try to make things better? Why does he not start making a monetary contribution towards his daughter?

No, it is still all about HIM, the narcissist!

Blogging mom2

As a new mom, working, I also feel terribly isolated with regards to connecting to other moms. Most of my friends in the same position are also working full-time and we struggle to get together. That’s another reason for me starting this blog – to understand my own feelings and situation, to connect to other moms and to figure out, while writing, than what I am doing is “right”. If only then “right” for myself and the baby.
Oh, and being the older mom also isolates me… While I am bleary-eyed, lactating, struggling to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes (a whole other story, and yes, I know, by this time it shouldn’t have been a problem) with a baby on the hip, my other friends are focusing on careers and discussing teenagers and holidays. I am also hiding underneath different caps every day because I am graying (I do not get enough time to colour it), and because I am losing hair post-pregnancy. Luckily its winter and the caps do not look out of place. Also, the winter clothes help to cover the post-pregnancy flab. I am putting on weight and keep on telling myself it’s because I am still breast feeding and can’t focus on drastic weight loss dieting. I was very much impressed with myself for not putting on too much weight during the pregnancy, only 10 kilograms, but it was because I did not have any space left for food. Food also did not have any appeal to me. Unluckily, I got my appetite and “space” back. These topics are not exactly interesting, but that’s where I find myself AGAIN. And I love it all over again: the baby has changed our lives AGAIN.
16 years ago I had a baby, Arnia, and now I wonder how I coped with the baby while being married to a narcissist and manipulative man who most of the time could not keep up a job. The X (the cancelled one) is not part of my life anymore, and Arnia has also started to limit her access to her father. His toxic presence has finally pissed her off completely, and I don’t think the relationship will be mended fully again. It is something Arnia has to work out for herself.
For me it’s a previous life, and it sometimes feel as if I have been reincarnated into this life. Totally different. I am now married to Dries, a wonderful caring, providing and supportive husband. Now I can’t belief that I could have been part of a violent partnership. I realized that by staying there I was enabling him to continue his bad behaviour.
That’s why I belief in new beginnings and new lives. It’s possible and much better the next time around. Maybe I am lucky, but I do believe that we create our own destinies and we are doing it continuously by making choices. My choice is to be happy and peaceful and I am that right now!
Arnia told the X and his wife last night that she is happy and peaceful at our home, and she does not have to stress about anything. It tells us that we (me and Dries) are doing something “right”. We are reconstructed, but we are doing it “better”. And that’s all I wish for! With a beautiful baby girl…