Reconstructed families are not for sissies

Merging new families are a totally different ball-game than only merging two lives. It is not only the two lives, but the lives of children that are being merged into the package deal.

WITH the extra baggage of ex-partners and ex-periences!

Luckily I married a very responsible adult who made it easy for us to work through the pitfalls of a second marriage. I agree that it also was much easier for me having the child, and that he had to make much more of an adjustment...

My husband showed me how it should be done! I am very grateful to him and that he showed my daughter how a husband and father should behave in a marriage.

There are a few things that help when before plunging into an undertaking of this nature:

-    Make sure you agree on how you are going to handle the children.
-    Lots and lots of talk on discipline before the time.
-    It is much easier to leave the discipline to the biological parent.
-    My husband taught me that the non-biological parent needs to get involved 100% as a parent.
-    The original reluctance of the children dissipates when they feel that the other person cares for them, and takes on the role of another parent in the household.
-    Both partners need to be adults.
-    Always show a united front to the children. (Handle your differences away from the children.)
-    Handle all children equally. E.g. when you give money to your own children, also give the same amount to the other children.
-    Love them all!
-    Try not to bad-mouth the ex-partners in front of the children.
-    Try to make sure that the children get a space of their own and feel part (welcome) in the home.
-    Involve all the children in the decision-making when it concerns the whole family.
-    Attend all the functions and award evenings of ALL the children.
-    Love them, even though they are not your own. Love is a verb, and not an emotion! It is a decision!
-    Spend special time with each of them on a regular basis.
-    Enjoy them!


Do you have more tips for a reconstructed family?

Doing the egg-dance – in a reconstructed family

Funny how the same conflicts creep up on us again… And how we get caught up in it, although we try to stay as far from it as far as possible. But is not always possible when you are a mother, and you are implicated by your relationship as a mother. Reconstructed families are not for sissies, I tell you!


(Even Powerwoman sometimes wants to go and hide in the cupboard when the “bombs” explode!)

The teen, who blames it on PMS (that bad bad monthlies), opened her mouth once again. We were all busy with the daily evening chores/bores, and we were all very tired. Mondays are the worst! We are the most exhausted after a lovely lazy weekend, and we struggle to get into the Grind again. (Don’t you find it the same with Mondays as well?)

Hubby had one too many back-chats, and he reacted!

Luckily I am married to an adult. We are able to work through our differences! I do the egg-dance, not trying to take sides. But I DO see both of the viewpoints, and understand where both are coming from. I don’t feel that I am successful with the egg-dance, but I do try… If I say I want to stay out of the conflict, it is also not acceptable…

And I understand – by default I am a mother, and responsible for behaviour of child. (The joys of motherhood! Smile)

Mother-in-the-middle has to talk to the teen, and she has to put up a united front with the Hubby! I have to remind the teen of how much her other Dad is doing for her – he doesn’t complain about driving her around. His pocket is open with regards to her, and he even makes her school lunches for her in the mornings. He treats her as his own daughter! (I’ve got a great Hubby!)

That is much more than she can say about her absent Dad...

I have to agree with Hubby as well that he has to be able to ask the teen to help out. He grounded her for the rest of the month. (Shame!)

I think we are doing it better as time goes on… We can sort out the conflict the same day. With tears! But we can go on and laugh again the same night!

Doing the egg-dance… doing the egg-dance…



Related post:


Reconstructed families and relationships

Happy times are family times

The previous weekend we were stuck without any electricity for four hours on the Saturday night.


It was a perfect time to sit outside, enjoying the sunset, and braaiing (barbequing). We lit the candles when it got dark.

We came to the realization how we do not need anything to be able to enjoy ourselves. Mother Nature gave us the most beautiful sunset, and we had each other for company! Dries and me, with the teen and toddler. With the dog in-between, of course! We played each other songs from our cell-phones after we had our meal.

We did it again, this weekend; on Friday evening. (Although we did not have any problems with the electricity.) Dries made us breakfast as well on Saturday morning. It was glorious weather all round, although we are beginning to feel the pinch of autumn arriving.

We need more times like these... Spending time with each other without any distractions!

Photo: Mieka on Friday evening, walking around in the garden.

About me: Powerwoman

That’s me! The better version of me! ;-)

Powerwoman is a go-getter in life.
She is able to juggle work and home with ease.
Powerwoman is a wonderful mother, and a great wife!
She is an activist and a feminist!

Whenever I need a bit of extra Powerwoman, I revert back to her!
Powerwoman always do the right things!
Powerwoman is also very opinionated, and always speaks her mind!
(I do love Powerwoman!)

This blog is about becoming a parent after the age of 40, the second time after 15 years. It’s all about new beginnings. Being a working mom and married for a second time. Mieka came 21 December 2008. The meaning of her name is “new fountain” in Japanese.

My life has been about new beginnings; coming from a bad emotional manipulative first marriage, but doing it again with a wonderful husband this time.
The teen keep us very busy, but we enjoy her with all her excitement about her life unfolding.
And of course: we are in awe of the new miracle of life. Baby keeps us very busy, but we are enjoying her going through all of the developmental milestones. Her dad thinks she is the most beautiful baby on the planet, ever!

I (Powerwoman) try to smile at some of the daily grind and rat race that we found ourselves in here at the south point of Africa. Very interesting times…

Reconstructed families and relationships

The diplomacy of relationships in reconstructed families is a minefield of politics. Huh? Too much of a mouth full, but that’s what we are dealing with in the combination of new family units. Divorced parents with your kids and my kids and our kids. Recipes for conflict situations…
In our situation it is only my kid, and our kid, but it is still… I should call it, ultimately difficult!
There was an altercation between the teen and her stepdad (we never call him that, he is Pa Dries – something which Arnia herself decided to call him a year ago). The teen got upset about a small little word “Please” which was not used. And then it exploded. I usually try to stay out of the altercations, but sometimes you have to step in for your children. Although I am being called “undermining”, I feel that I can’t leave her to fend for herself.
A big star goes to Dries for being the adult and sometimes saying sorry when it is needed.
I was thinking that in reconstructed families you learn more about respect for each other, and taking each other’s feelings into account. It is something which would not always automatically happen in normal families (if there is such a thing as normal). We have to be more diplomatic towards each other. Not a bad thing for a child to learn when they are growing up.
The question is: How far do you let it go as a parent when the other parent tries to discipline the children in a manner that is alien to your own way of discipline? I have read that the other parent is supposed to leave the discipline to the biological parent. I think it has got some merit, but I also like the idea of a united front which the parents should have. What do you think about discipline in reconstructed families?

Mr. Right's Bday

It is the Hubby’s birthday today. He is still in his 30s! The lucky fish!
I AM the lucky fish! I have found Mr. Right! Having a younger husband who loves going out and doing things and always game for the fun stuff. He was immediately game when I asked him about camping in the beginning of January with Mieka. My sister and her husband is going to visit us later this month, and we are going to camp at Manyane (near Pilansberg, a Wild Reserve), while the rest of the family are going to stay in a chalet at Kwamaritane. We haven’t tried the camping thing yet with a baby, but it is only going to be for four days. (Are we letting ourselves in for too much?)
Dries is also game for hiking and mountain climbing and abseiling. Not that we have done lots of these activities lately, but we are planning to do it again. Definitely! (Definitely! Hopeful smile...)
We had a lovely day today with Dries. I had my shopping day, and Dries only worked half day. We went to see a movie. 2012. We loved the action and the end of earth concept. One of the movies I can count on one hand we went to see this year. We used to love going to movies, but it has become very difficult with Mieka. Mieka stayed with my parents tonight, and they said she was “VERY BUSY!” She kept them going the whole time. No sitting down or holding her. They had lots of fun when they tried to put her down on the bed, and she immediately started doing the backward leopard crawl… No putting her down on a bed anymore to sleep as well.
Dries has turned out to be a wonderful father who does his share with regards to Mieka. Wonderful to have an involved father who does his share AND who contributes financially. Things like this should not even be mentioned, but I come from a previous life where it was not as logical, and I know of a friend where the father also lacks grossly in these departments!
Thanks, Dries, for being a great husband and father! Enjoy your Bday and may it feel like your Bday for the rest of the year!

Splitting of friends

The news of friends splitting up is very upsetting! We feel a sense of shock and loss for them, and for us! Our relationship with them has also been irrevocably changed. No more visits with the two of them together…
It makes us look at our relationship again, realizing that it is very easy to lose sight of “us” in the rush and hum-drum of daily life. I and Dries both pass out at about eight at night. He goes into a comatose state in front of the television, and me with Mieka on the bed. Then we are “done” for the day! We have to meet sometimes during the day for lunch to talk and connect. It works for us.
The realization: this is it! We are not going to get better than this! I know now with hindsight how wonderful it is to be in such a secure and predictable place! Some would call it boring! But it is the final measurement of a happy family life: To be able to look forward every day to go home just to be with the family. At one stage in my life I hated the idea of going home (yes, it was THAT bad), and I can say that it has changed 100% since the day I moved on. And it only got better with Dries in our lives. It is nice to be in such a boring place…
I hope our friends patch things up again. As the Prof of Yvonne’s story admitted – you only swap families when you move on…

Poop phase

How nice to be able to enjoy going home at the end of each day. We were discussing women being in bad relationships, and not wanting to be at home anymore. I used to be in a BAD relationship – long time ago (previous life) – where I dragged my feet to go home. And I am not a workaholic who lives for my work... The only thing that kept me going home was my daughter, Arnia. Phew! Nice to be able to talk about a different lifetime, and laugh about it…
Now it is nice (for the lack of a better word) to go home to our small little townhouse. We look forward just being together. So boring, but so nice…
Mieka had her first swim in a small inflatable swimming pool on the lawn on Saturday. Petite Peu was trying to eat our feet. The fun stopped very suddenly when Mieka became red in the face. It became a whole operation to extract her from the water, and to clean her and the pool. The dog is also keeping us busy with picking up her poop. The thing with babies - children and dogs – is that poop is part of the deal… We are in the poop-phase, trying to maintain a poop-free house. (Sheepish grin) But we don’t mind, because it is our home, and our family, and we love being in each other’s company! The poop phase is a bonus, compared to trying to survive in a bad relationship.

Break & Petite Peu

The Little Bit of a life is still at the vet. We did not discuss it much today. I think we are saving ourselves emotionally, and trying to not get too attached. I feel extremely sorry for the poor little Miniature Pinscher when I picture her in the strange surroundings. Hopefully she is all sorted out on Friday…
We had a wonderful sunny break day in South Africa. Dries made the barbeque, as is required on National Heritage or Braai Day.
Arnia had to cope with the X’s (cancelled one) sister phoning, and telling her she is murdering her dad. Huh?? (She has made the decision to not speak to him at the moment because of his bad behaviour.) She put the phone down on her, and got a couple of messages saying she is not welcome at her dad’s funeral etc. Luckily she doesn’t play their emotional games, and did not respond to any of it.
Dries told me today that he feels very rich – with me, Mieka and Arnia in his life. I have been feeling the same, very lucky!

10-year Celebrations

I was reading Yvonne’s blog, about her husband’s infidelity and divorce, when the realization hit me that it’s been 10 years for me as well. On the 29th of August 1999 I walked out of our house with just a few of me and my daughter’s belongings. I was walking out of a marriage where emotional manipulation of a husband who was not working was part of the daily routine. It was a scary time with X (cancelled one) threatening to kill us, and me having to get interdicts against him. We had to hide, and I had to make sure my daughter was safe. Two weeks later when I went to fetch my stuff, X prevented me from taking it. At that stage it was very traumatic to lose everything, but later on I could describe it as one of the most liberating things of my life.
Today it’s 10 years later, and it feels to me as if I am telling stories about a previous life, one from which I reincarnated from.
I remember putting a smile on my face whenever the X came into the room. I was not feeling like smiling at that stage, because usually we were financially cash-strapped with X not working, but I did not want to provoke him. X also showed me his gun after he had put on a silencer. Why do you put a silencer on a gun when you want to shoot at thieves? X also demanded 100% undivided attention, and complained when I watched television or did the washing. I coped by getting into a mode of asking X if I could do the washing or whatever. And in the meantime X was at home, but not contributing financially or doing anything about the daily chores. The things you do for peace…
My daughter came to the same conclusion last year that she did not want to see X as well. It was after X grabbed his current wife by the neck in a fight. I heard in counseling that she also had to ask her dad for permission to go to the toilet or to do her homework. She was on edge the whole time to please X, and he also demanded her undivided attention. She even got a hiding – at 15 years of age - just after she had her appendix taken out for not giving X attention. (X told her that was the reason).

And now, I am married to a wonderful husband, who is working and doing his share at home as well. The ultimate 21st century man! We have been married for 5 years already, we have a beautiful baby daughter together and we have a teenage daughter which brings us great joy! Now my only trials and tribulations are contributed to not sleeping because of the baby, and trying to cope with the loss of grey matter (Brain bubble).
Just now, I had to go and order a new company card. Between last night when I left the building with the card, and this morning when I was responsible for a car queue in the parking area, I had lost the card. And the card was supposed to stay in the car. The mind boggles what I could have done with it…