Reconstructed families are not for sissies

Merging new families are a totally different ball-game than only merging two lives. It is not only the two lives, but the lives of children that are being merged into the package deal.

WITH the extra baggage of ex-partners and ex-periences!

Luckily I married a very responsible adult who made it easy for us to work through the pitfalls of a second marriage. I agree that it also was much easier for me having the child, and that he had to make much more of an adjustment...

My husband showed me how it should be done! I am very grateful to him and that he showed my daughter how a husband and father should behave in a marriage.

There are a few things that help when before plunging into an undertaking of this nature:

-    Make sure you agree on how you are going to handle the children.
-    Lots and lots of talk on discipline before the time.
-    It is much easier to leave the discipline to the biological parent.
-    My husband taught me that the non-biological parent needs to get involved 100% as a parent.
-    The original reluctance of the children dissipates when they feel that the other person cares for them, and takes on the role of another parent in the household.
-    Both partners need to be adults.
-    Always show a united front to the children. (Handle your differences away from the children.)
-    Handle all children equally. E.g. when you give money to your own children, also give the same amount to the other children.
-    Love them all!
-    Try not to bad-mouth the ex-partners in front of the children.
-    Try to make sure that the children get a space of their own and feel part (welcome) in the home.
-    Involve all the children in the decision-making when it concerns the whole family.
-    Attend all the functions and award evenings of ALL the children.
-    Love them, even though they are not your own. Love is a verb, and not an emotion! It is a decision!
-    Spend special time with each of them on a regular basis.
-    Enjoy them!


Do you have more tips for a reconstructed family?

Divorces lead to funny stories

Each year when we tick off another anniversary, I always think back and compare my previous life to what I have now. It is of course way way better!

I had a previous life (it feels like a reincarnated life, so far removed it is from us now), which ended in divorce. It was one of the most awful and traumatic times of my life! It was as bad, no! - Even worse – for my daughter! For years she blamed me for the split, and wished we were just a whole family again. I know that is the wish of all kids who are impacted by divorce! Now the teen understands what it was all about, and she herself has put down a few rules with regards her own dad...

I had great friends who stood by me during the difficult times. (I will always be grateful to them!) Two of my friends who had two boys came to visit us after we moved into a flat on the third floor of a block of flats. The boys were extremely impressed with the stairs in the building. They were playing on the stairs for the duration of the visit. They were even sad to leave...

On the way home they asked their mother when they are going to get divorced.

Shocked, my friend asked them why they wanted them to get a divorce.

Because they wanted to stay in a flat as well where there are stairs...

My friend’s husband was, of course, not impressed at all! Not at all!

(Photo: Patrick Pretorius Photography)

Powerwoman on her soapbox again

A work colleague, Paulette Tshiredo, whom I unfortunately only knew from her sunny face in the corridors, has died recently because of domestic violence. Very very sad!! It happened last week at the start of 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children.
I hate this word “Against”. It gives energy to whatever comes after the word, and makes it persists. Therefore I will not say it again!
I know of so many women who found themselves in a position where their power are taken from them, or chiselled away. Sometimes we do not know what to call it, or we do not know how to get out of it. I also found myself stuck in such a situation.
To feel that you are not being treated as you should be or that you know this is not how it is supposed to be in a relationship…
That’s why I have an X (the cancelled one). I came to the realization that the only one who can do something about my situation was I. Which I did with lots of willing help from my family and friends! My daughter has also drawn the line, and I am proud of her for taking a stand!
We MAY say we will not allow a certain type of behaviour, and we are responsible for how people treat us!
I vote for a 16 Days of Activism for Peace and Empowerment to Women and Children! Who votes with me?

Splits and children

Divorces have a devastating effect on the children. No new revelation!
Arnia believed and hoped for years that I and her dad would get back together again and that we would be a family again. We split up when she was 6 and got divorced the next year. Until she was 12 years of age I was blamed for making the move. But she did not know and understand the reasons for the move, and it was only when she herself was confronted with the reality of the situation that she started to make a mind shift. The reality of the situation was that the X was an emotional manipulator, which sometimes moved in the direction of violent aggression. The X was and is a leach that sucks the people dry around him, and do not positively contribute to any environment. The X also did not contribute financially towards his daughter’s upbringing.
That was our story, but we have moved on. We have a new family life, and that is what this blog is all about. New beginnings, every day!
Yes, sometimes it IS better for the children when the parents split!

Photo: One of our new beginnings!

Splitting of friends

The news of friends splitting up is very upsetting! We feel a sense of shock and loss for them, and for us! Our relationship with them has also been irrevocably changed. No more visits with the two of them together…
It makes us look at our relationship again, realizing that it is very easy to lose sight of “us” in the rush and hum-drum of daily life. I and Dries both pass out at about eight at night. He goes into a comatose state in front of the television, and me with Mieka on the bed. Then we are “done” for the day! We have to meet sometimes during the day for lunch to talk and connect. It works for us.
The realization: this is it! We are not going to get better than this! I know now with hindsight how wonderful it is to be in such a secure and predictable place! Some would call it boring! But it is the final measurement of a happy family life: To be able to look forward every day to go home just to be with the family. At one stage in my life I hated the idea of going home (yes, it was THAT bad), and I can say that it has changed 100% since the day I moved on. And it only got better with Dries in our lives. It is nice to be in such a boring place…
I hope our friends patch things up again. As the Prof of Yvonne’s story admitted – you only swap families when you move on…

Friends and Grumps

I am enjoying my friend Yvonne’s blog tremendously. Although I know the story, and most of the anecdotes, it is still very inspiring to know that she got through her divorce, and became an even stronger person than before. In my wildest dreams I did not think that she would get divorced from her husband. He was a Grump, but I thought that she could handle her Grump, the same as I handled my X-Grump. (Smile) Unfortunately her Grump cheated on her…
But I want to talk about friendship, and how she helped me through the years when I went through my own traumas. I met Yvonne at pre-natal classes when we were pregnant with our daughters. Arnia is now 16 which translates into nearly 17 years that we have been friends. Her daughter were born five days before Arnia, and we have been doing coffee ever since. She cried with me when I tried to get Arnia to drink a bottle, and when I had to stop breast feeding because she would not drink a bottle at the day mother. I could always phone her, or drink a coffee with her. I remember a time before I got divorced, when I felt so suffocated at home, that I drove to a nearby quick-shop to make a phone-call to her. When I went through the difficult divorce, she helped me with advice, which she sometimes went to great trouble to find out for me. She was more than willing to make a sworn affidavit when I asked for her help getting an interdict during the violent days of getting a divorce. She helped me looked after Arnia many many times. She always had an ear open to me…In the meantime she had to raise three children and had to cope with her own Grump! She gave us our wedding cake five years back when Dries and I got married! That was such a sweet gesture. Having such a friend is more valuable than can be measured in words! Friends like her help us handle all our Grumps and grumps… Thanks, Yvonne!

10-year Celebrations

I was reading Yvonne’s blog, about her husband’s infidelity and divorce, when the realization hit me that it’s been 10 years for me as well. On the 29th of August 1999 I walked out of our house with just a few of me and my daughter’s belongings. I was walking out of a marriage where emotional manipulation of a husband who was not working was part of the daily routine. It was a scary time with X (cancelled one) threatening to kill us, and me having to get interdicts against him. We had to hide, and I had to make sure my daughter was safe. Two weeks later when I went to fetch my stuff, X prevented me from taking it. At that stage it was very traumatic to lose everything, but later on I could describe it as one of the most liberating things of my life.
Today it’s 10 years later, and it feels to me as if I am telling stories about a previous life, one from which I reincarnated from.
I remember putting a smile on my face whenever the X came into the room. I was not feeling like smiling at that stage, because usually we were financially cash-strapped with X not working, but I did not want to provoke him. X also showed me his gun after he had put on a silencer. Why do you put a silencer on a gun when you want to shoot at thieves? X also demanded 100% undivided attention, and complained when I watched television or did the washing. I coped by getting into a mode of asking X if I could do the washing or whatever. And in the meantime X was at home, but not contributing financially or doing anything about the daily chores. The things you do for peace…
My daughter came to the same conclusion last year that she did not want to see X as well. It was after X grabbed his current wife by the neck in a fight. I heard in counseling that she also had to ask her dad for permission to go to the toilet or to do her homework. She was on edge the whole time to please X, and he also demanded her undivided attention. She even got a hiding – at 15 years of age - just after she had her appendix taken out for not giving X attention. (X told her that was the reason).

And now, I am married to a wonderful husband, who is working and doing his share at home as well. The ultimate 21st century man! We have been married for 5 years already, we have a beautiful baby daughter together and we have a teenage daughter which brings us great joy! Now my only trials and tribulations are contributed to not sleeping because of the baby, and trying to cope with the loss of grey matter (Brain bubble).
Just now, I had to go and order a new company card. Between last night when I left the building with the card, and this morning when I was responsible for a car queue in the parking area, I had lost the card. And the card was supposed to stay in the car. The mind boggles what I could have done with it…