Most mothers are an inspiration, but some even more so

"Dr" Erika!

I am always inspired by mothers and how they are juggling their lives with kids and work and everything else. It's not easy, and sometimes s*t hits the fan, and we don't always see the light at the end of the tunnel.

15 years back I was going through an awful divorce, being a single mom to a Grade 1 girl and trying to keep everything together during the legal proceedings. At that stage I felt overwhelmed and did not know how we would get unscathed through it all.

But here we are! Happy, fat and going on with our lives with new beginnings and new challenges! And that life seems like just a nightmare that happened to somebody else in a different timeline...

That's why I am sharing the story of Erika who is also a mom who had to go through a difficult custody battle for her children. She exhausted all her funds in the custody battle, and now she is not able to afford the final stretch for her doctoral degree. She has reached out to me on the MomAgain@40 Facebook page.

Erika, hats off to you! I love the fact that you call yourself "Dr Erika" already!

My name is Erika, and I am a mother of two amazing girls, a teacher, a coach, and a doctoral candidate. It is a lot to be at one time, but I love it all.  

In the middle of my degree, I got a divorce. I had to use all of my savings to ensure full custody of my two little girls when their father decided to move out of state. I am thrilled to have my girls with me every day, but lawyers are expensive. The money I planned on using to finish my degree went to the custody hearings.  

 The financial realities of a divorce are harsh. I don’t have the space for one more student loan. I wish it were that easy. Instead, I am stuck right at the place where I can see the finish line. Can you help me get there? 

All I would ask is that you help me finish my last semester, so that I may be an example for my daughters, students, and athletes, and complete the degree I have worked so hard for. This is me, showing these young ladies that nothing should stand in their way.

Click here to support her doctorate - Erika Rak Zeidler

Divorces lead to funny stories

Each year when we tick off another anniversary, I always think back and compare my previous life to what I have now. It is of course way way better!

I had a previous life (it feels like a reincarnated life, so far removed it is from us now), which ended in divorce. It was one of the most awful and traumatic times of my life! It was as bad, no! - Even worse – for my daughter! For years she blamed me for the split, and wished we were just a whole family again. I know that is the wish of all kids who are impacted by divorce! Now the teen understands what it was all about, and she herself has put down a few rules with regards her own dad...

I had great friends who stood by me during the difficult times. (I will always be grateful to them!) Two of my friends who had two boys came to visit us after we moved into a flat on the third floor of a block of flats. The boys were extremely impressed with the stairs in the building. They were playing on the stairs for the duration of the visit. They were even sad to leave...

On the way home they asked their mother when they are going to get divorced.

Shocked, my friend asked them why they wanted them to get a divorce.

Because they wanted to stay in a flat as well where there are stairs...

My friend’s husband was, of course, not impressed at all! Not at all!

(Photo: Patrick Pretorius Photography)

Powerwoman on her soapbox again

A work colleague, Paulette Tshiredo, whom I unfortunately only knew from her sunny face in the corridors, has died recently because of domestic violence. Very very sad!! It happened last week at the start of 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children.
I hate this word “Against”. It gives energy to whatever comes after the word, and makes it persists. Therefore I will not say it again!
I know of so many women who found themselves in a position where their power are taken from them, or chiselled away. Sometimes we do not know what to call it, or we do not know how to get out of it. I also found myself stuck in such a situation.
To feel that you are not being treated as you should be or that you know this is not how it is supposed to be in a relationship…
That’s why I have an X (the cancelled one). I came to the realization that the only one who can do something about my situation was I. Which I did with lots of willing help from my family and friends! My daughter has also drawn the line, and I am proud of her for taking a stand!
We MAY say we will not allow a certain type of behaviour, and we are responsible for how people treat us!
I vote for a 16 Days of Activism for Peace and Empowerment to Women and Children! Who votes with me?

Splits and children

Divorces have a devastating effect on the children. No new revelation!
Arnia believed and hoped for years that I and her dad would get back together again and that we would be a family again. We split up when she was 6 and got divorced the next year. Until she was 12 years of age I was blamed for making the move. But she did not know and understand the reasons for the move, and it was only when she herself was confronted with the reality of the situation that she started to make a mind shift. The reality of the situation was that the X was an emotional manipulator, which sometimes moved in the direction of violent aggression. The X was and is a leach that sucks the people dry around him, and do not positively contribute to any environment. The X also did not contribute financially towards his daughter’s upbringing.
That was our story, but we have moved on. We have a new family life, and that is what this blog is all about. New beginnings, every day!
Yes, sometimes it IS better for the children when the parents split!

Photo: One of our new beginnings!

Splitting of friends

The news of friends splitting up is very upsetting! We feel a sense of shock and loss for them, and for us! Our relationship with them has also been irrevocably changed. No more visits with the two of them together…
It makes us look at our relationship again, realizing that it is very easy to lose sight of “us” in the rush and hum-drum of daily life. I and Dries both pass out at about eight at night. He goes into a comatose state in front of the television, and me with Mieka on the bed. Then we are “done” for the day! We have to meet sometimes during the day for lunch to talk and connect. It works for us.
The realization: this is it! We are not going to get better than this! I know now with hindsight how wonderful it is to be in such a secure and predictable place! Some would call it boring! But it is the final measurement of a happy family life: To be able to look forward every day to go home just to be with the family. At one stage in my life I hated the idea of going home (yes, it was THAT bad), and I can say that it has changed 100% since the day I moved on. And it only got better with Dries in our lives. It is nice to be in such a boring place…
I hope our friends patch things up again. As the Prof of Yvonne’s story admitted – you only swap families when you move on…

Friends and Grumps

I am enjoying my friend Yvonne’s blog tremendously. Although I know the story, and most of the anecdotes, it is still very inspiring to know that she got through her divorce, and became an even stronger person than before. In my wildest dreams I did not think that she would get divorced from her husband. He was a Grump, but I thought that she could handle her Grump, the same as I handled my X-Grump. (Smile) Unfortunately her Grump cheated on her…
But I want to talk about friendship, and how she helped me through the years when I went through my own traumas. I met Yvonne at pre-natal classes when we were pregnant with our daughters. Arnia is now 16 which translates into nearly 17 years that we have been friends. Her daughter were born five days before Arnia, and we have been doing coffee ever since. She cried with me when I tried to get Arnia to drink a bottle, and when I had to stop breast feeding because she would not drink a bottle at the day mother. I could always phone her, or drink a coffee with her. I remember a time before I got divorced, when I felt so suffocated at home, that I drove to a nearby quick-shop to make a phone-call to her. When I went through the difficult divorce, she helped me with advice, which she sometimes went to great trouble to find out for me. She was more than willing to make a sworn affidavit when I asked for her help getting an interdict during the violent days of getting a divorce. She helped me looked after Arnia many many times. She always had an ear open to me…In the meantime she had to raise three children and had to cope with her own Grump! She gave us our wedding cake five years back when Dries and I got married! That was such a sweet gesture. Having such a friend is more valuable than can be measured in words! Friends like her help us handle all our Grumps and grumps… Thanks, Yvonne!