Wednesday, 16 September 2009

New Fountain


I found this on my computer. I was just commenting last week on the thorn tree in our garden, and how it reminds me of new beginnings and the rhythm of life. We went through a very traumatic experience, but now we have Mieka to celebrate life with. Her name in Japanese translates to “new fountain”.


Ode to the unborn baby
4-2-2008
You could have been 14 weeks already. A unique human being was becoming our son. But on the 4th of January 2008 you were dead already. No life. You were only a very small peanut on the sonar screen.
It is one of the toughest things that ever happened to me, and it seems like it is something to shy away from. Very few people ask you how you are feeling, and even less people make a commentary about your precious life!
You had life. We had a new life in our midst, and we were starting to live a new life with you in mind.
I feel guilty to have felt those negative emotions in the beginning. We were not really ready for a new life. Would we ever be ready?
I feel guilty for having sensed your maleness and for feeling negative to bring someone into the world which I do not understand.
But I miss you! Intently!
We have continued with our lives. I have taken only two days from work, and even felt guilty about taking the time.
But I miss you the whole time: In the morning when I get up, and I feel my empty belly. My breasts that have returned to normal; it aches for you. During the day, at work, I think of you constantly. I do continuous searches on the Internet. To try and understand what could have gone wrong. Where did we lose you?
No! No, I am not coping well! You may think that! I am smiling, but it does not reach my heart.
I miss you!!!

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